


"Penance" (A punishment undergone in token of forgiveness for sin)

by NuWho (jaclinhyde)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-06-12 21:48:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 67,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15349458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaclinhyde/pseuds/NuWho
Summary: Pradus 3 is a world that are stealing children to be used as slaves. It is a violent society that sided with the Daleks during the Time War destroying most of their ecosystem in the process. They have a deep-seated hatred of Time Lords passed down from their ancestors so when the 10th Doctor becomes involved in freeing the kids, they are bent on capturing him. It is as close to a suicide mission as anything he has ever tried before.  Rose is left behind with the belief that he no longer cares for her until a letter shows up delivered by Jack which starts a long journey for all of them. The Doctor cannot talk his way out of this as he normally would so he must resort to violence to defeat violence on a planet that knows nothing but. I gave our favorite Doctor a back story dealing with his Academy training which explains in detail his ability to kick ass if he needs to. He hates this side of himself but understands that without using it others will suffer & that is not something he will stand for. He is not the Time Lord Victorious but is most definitely the Oncoming Storm.





	1. The Waiting Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> I have lived with this story for months now, tweaking here and there so I hope you like reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. Please leave feedback if you don't mind. I realize that this is a different kind of '10' than we are all used to but honestly, he had to have some self defense training to have survived as long as he has and been faced down by so many baddies. Luck and talking will only take you so far. 
> 
> WARNING: There is a fair amount of torture of both the Doctor and of the children he is trying to rescue. Oh, and smut. What fun would there be if there was no smut. I am not into inflicting pain (smut is another thing entirely) on our leading man or his young charges UNLESS it’s an integral part of the story which it is. I’ll put separate warnings up but just know that these things will occur so if you find that kind of stuff ‘triggers” then please just skip over that part of the chapter I warn about. Understand though, at least where the kids are concerned that what he see's on the slave ship is what forces his hand and makes him risk his life on Pradus 3.
> 
> I don’t own any of these characters  
> I don’t own the actors either, dammit.  
> All typo’s etc. are my own. Be gentle with me…..
> 
> Oh & music was my muse so you will find a ton of lyrics scattered around in these 'pages.' They took hold of my computer and wrestled it to the ground, demanding equal time. I hope if you don't know the song in question that you take the time to check it out.
> 
> Allons-y!

 

_"Starry nights, city lights coming down over me_  
_Skyscrapers and stargazers in my head_  
_Are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown_  
_This dirty town was burning down in my dreams_  
_Lost and found, city bound in my dreams_  
_And screaming_  
_Are we we are, are we we are the waiting unknown." ~ Greenday_

 

  _PROLOGUE ~ The Waiting Unknown_        

He opened his eyes and for one tick of the clock he thought he was dead. A darkness so complete that he believed it most certainly belonged to him and him alone.

True and absolute death.

Out of the nightmare, he is brought back to consciousness by a pain in his arm as it spread up from his fingertips to his shoulder. Well he reasoned, dead people don’t feel pain so that was a plus. At least he hoped they didn’t. Glancing down he could see that the elbow of his left arm was bent at an odd angle.

“ _Ok, well there goes my career as a rugby goalie in the Olympics_ ” he thought with a sigh ending in a laugh that only the delirious would envy.

All things came with a price in his world and this time the price was the pain he felt when he grasped his arm, took a deep breath and snapped it back into place. A wave of excruciating agony shot down to his fingers and up to his shoulder. He so wished he was free to scream but instinctively knew he couldn’t. He had gotten to be a pro at keeping his mouth shut over these past months. Off to his left, hidden in the shadows he heard the muffled rip of fabric and then someone put his arm in a makeshift sling, huffing in annoyance as he did so.

He was in a tunnel, that much was obvious. He reached his good arm out until it pressed flat against the cool black rocks behind him, opening his hand palm side down and then scraping his nails across it as if he could pull it around himself. A blanket made of darkness. He smiled. He had almost forgotten what that was like…smiling that is. He wasn’t a poetic man, at least he didn’t think he was but the sheer relief the blackness instilled in his mind made him want to sing out loud with lyrics to an ancient song he was sure no one else would understand.

It took him a moment to process that there was light coming from the mouth of the underpass. He turned towards it as if he could feel it. Like lying on a cloud covered stretch of sand somewhere and the sun had just broken through to impart it's warmth just on him. Pulled by a force that was literally as old as time itself, he stood and stepped out into the night. His breath was stolen, his vision blurred by what he was surprised to find was his own tears as his gaze shifted above him where as far as the eye could see were stars. He reached up and pointed to the twinkling lights above, quietly repeating their names to himself, whispering them like a prayer in a silent tribute. Old knowledge was returning as each name was awakened in his memory, first the planets then the moons then the names of the peoples that inhabited each. It had been so long since he had seen the sky. It called to him, whispered in his ear _‘welcome back, you have been missed.’_

He didn’t remember much but one thing he could recall and that had been drilled into him since as far back as he could remember was a vow he took to defend every corner of it. And to never be cruel or cowardly as he watched over the divine symphony playing out in the never-ending heavens. He wasn't a God; never believed in one so why start now. But he gathered that, barring the appearance of some other worldly being breaking the skies in two and saying " _sorry for being a little late..."_  to all of creation he was the best the universe could offer. He tried, he really did try to hold to the good Doctor side of himself and to ‘ _first do no harm_ ’ but unfortunately, that was not always possible.  And he hated it.

He felt it then, the anger bubbling up through his veins nearly clouding his thoughts. How dare they hold him back from doing what he had promised to do many, many lives ago. The echoes of so many people hurting, crying out for the help that never came. He almost had to cover his ears the sound was so deafening. So much suffering, so much loss that should never have been if not for Pradus 3’s four month forced ‘ _hospitality._ ’ The anger scared him especially since he did not know what to do about it.  He could not vent it, nobody to take it out on. Except, of course himself. He was good at that. Maybe if he had tried harder to escape then no one else would have suffered. He still had the knife if he felt despondent enough.

And this thought more than any other reminded him of the choices he could make. The two roads that were in front of him as he waited for the unknown inside that tunnel. He could give in to the pull he felt inside to become someone else or take the knife and end it all for good. Just. Stop. Trying. He was feverish and in his confusion he did not see the third road, the middle ground that was life itself. His own life; not the man who came before and not the one he would someday become.  All he knew was there was not much more he could take. He had reached his own personal breaking point which was a long time coming. The onlookers would later say that they watched in no small amount of awe how he seemed to emit starlight himself. His eyes danced with it, his skin pulsed with a sound only he was privileged enough to hear. He earned that right more times than they would ever know. 

The golden light seemed to encompass his whole being and it throbbed in turn with the light and the dark of the moons turning around their respective suns, and it hurt and it burned but the universe seemed to rejoice in it. Removing his arm from the sling he raised both towards the heavens as if he was trying to give back what he took oh so many years ago. He was returning the soul of this self back to the Time Lords of old. Time seemed to reverse and there he was once more; back in the throes of War, watching Arcadia fall and seeing the friends and family he reduced to dust. Here we go again, he thought to himself.

But even as his mind burned, and his bones shifted he remembered something else. Just a tiny kernel of thought, so small he almost missed it except for the bright light it emitted. He could have regenerated so many times over the course of the past months but he didn’t. Why?

And all that anguish that transpired all around the heavens were not fixed points either.  He COULD have prevented so much of it. 

No wait.....

_THEY_ could have prevented so much of it.

The Doctor and his Rose

And that one name, one single name shot through him as sure as a bullet into his hearts.  
  
_Rose._

And with that name spoken on a painful breath he took it all back, pulling it inside once more. Those who saw it passed the story down until it was just a wonderful legend and a story to fuel the imaginations of children.  They would sit around a campfire, pointing to it while telling the tale of the man who, by saying one word pulled the fire into himself while breathing out stardust.  Little did they know that it was closer to the truth then they could have guessed. 

The golden light receded, and he smiled through gritted teeth at the effort it took to hold onto himself. Nothing made him smile more than that name and nothing made him fight harder than her. He fell to his knees shaking with the effort to stay HIM, all atoms and neurons righting themselves…aligning to the template that made him who he was. He could feel the moment it all slotted back into place, apologizing to his next self saying _“sorry, not quite yet”_

Then out of the blue he felt a sharp pinch in his shoulder as a needle pierced his flesh. Against their better judgement and as fascinated as his hosts had been by the spectacle in front of them, they had a job to do and that was to hold him there until the carriage came by to take him away.

At any other time, he would have been able to wrestle with the five pairs of hands that were restraining him, but it had taken a lot to put the brakes on a regeneration, so he was too weak to do much. His eyes took in the twinkling lights above him one final time as he was dragged back into the tunnel again where the darkness descended around him with no lights above to guide him home.


	2. And So It Begins (4 months, 2 weeks & 3 days prior)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Now the only thing that felt ‘right’ was the double beat of his hearts. Everything else was in flux; time itself was bending around him which was never a good thing. It meant that nothing about his future was a fixed point. It was like looking at the bend in a road as you traveled way too fast at the curve. He might crash, or he might just make it, he really couldn’t tell._

 

**__Chapter ~ And So It Begins (4 months, 2 weeks & 3 days prior)_ _ **

**The Doctor arrived at Jackie's soaking wet with the joie de vivre that he normally wore as easily as he wore his coat (got it from Janis Joplin….he loved that coat) all but gone except for a small glimmer of a smile at seeing Rose for the first time in over 2 months. The air was charged with everything unsaid as he slipped down onto the couch next to her.  She looked over at him and smiled at the memory of when she first saw him, THIS him on the first night of his regeneration a little over a year prior.   He steeled himself for what was to come when he said to her 'we are going to need to go back to the Tardis soon to talk about something very important.' He couldn't bear to look in her eyes when he thought of that conversation.  There was (and always would be he realized) that physical attraction, that pull to touch her.  At this moment though, he was so angry at what he had seen in the short time he was away that he feared that anger might touch her as well. He couldn’t allow that, couldn’t risk the possibility that he might just take his deep-seated rage out on her.**

**It had to end tonight.**

**His internal reverie was broken by Jackie when she came back into the room and sat herself down on the chair with the remote for the TV.  If truth be told, (and she never would, not to his face anyway) she really did like this version of the Doctor better than the last.  At least this one brought her daughter back when promised (give or take a month or two) and joins in on the stupid ape rituals ("mum, this him never says that") like Christmas dinner and birthdays.**

**She can still remember trying to plan a surprise birthday dinner for him but when he found out about it from her daughter he said,**

**_"Jackie, I really appreciate that you would want to do this for me but  once I reached 400 or so birthdays just didn’t quite carry as much weight."_ ** **Then he smiled broadly as he looked over at Rose.**

**_"Besides, it all comes down to what do you give the guy who literally has everything?"_ ** ****

**Rose, who was still involved in a heated conversation with her girlfriend Shareen missed the actual comment but could feel his eyes on her.  It was like an electric shock had run through her when she looked back at him and saw his smoldering gaze.  Then she smiled shyly while he beamed at her right before he turned back to her mum.**

**_"How long was I away?”_ ** **his time sense all thrown off by being a bit battle weary.  He shifted on the sofa and sighed.**

 **_“Almost 2 full months!”_ ** **a million questions dangled in the air between them but right now it was this.**

**_“You said that you would only be gone a few days, so we were worried that you were hurt or that you had changed your mind about, well….”_ **

**** **She stopped, holding her breath…. afraid that he might view her as too clingy if she completed her sentence.**

**She bit her lower lip in worry, seemingly fascinated by a piece of thread hanging off her shirt.**

**_“Rose?”_ **

**_“I thought that maybe, being the ‘new, new Doctor’ and all that you changed your mind about ‘us,’ you and me I mean.  Maybe you decided to go it alone?”_ ** **She motioned from herself to the Doctor. _“I mean having me come with you and all.”_**

**(“DOCTOR: Why? Don't you want to come?**  
**ROSE: Well, yeah.**  
**DOCTOR: Do you, though?**  
**ROSE: Yeah!**  
**DOCTOR: I just thought, because I changed.**  
**ROSE: Yeah, I thought, because you changed you might not want me anymore.**  
**DOCTOR: Oh, I'd love you to come,  
**ROSE: Okay.”)****

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**His silence spoke volumes.**

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**He looked everywhere but into her eyes.  He couldn’t lie to her.  But he could avoid the truth which he believed to be the lesser of two evils.**

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**She was still learning about this new ‘man’ but she could not help but compare him to her first Doctor, who would smile occasionally but it was as if he had his own personal rain cloud over his head.  Always a heavy burden weighing him down.  Now this Doctor who was seemingly light hearted at first suddenly had that same storm brewing in his tired eyes.  She couldn’t shake the feeling that something happened while he was away, but she told herself she would wait for him to confide in her.**

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**In fact, the more she looked at him the more exhausted he appeared.**

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**The evening dragged on with some take-out and cheap wine.  He unexpectedly pulled Rose aside and told her that they needed to leave to have that ‘discussion’.   First though he needed to form a plan of action so he excused him self to the bathroom.  As he stood at the mirror, splashing cold water on his face he realized that for the first time in all his lives he did not know the man looking back at him.  No matter how many times he had changed he still knew that he was a Time Lord (well, except when he first woke up in his 8 th body.)  Now the only thing that felt ‘right’ was the double beats of his hearts.  Everything else was in flux; time itself was bending around him which was never a good thing.  It meant that nothing about his future was a fixed point.  It was like looking at the bend in a road as you traveled way too fast at the curve.  He might crash, or he might just make it, he really couldn’t tell.   He shook his head as if to free himself of the image and walked back into the parlor.  **

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**Rose took her now very tipsy mum by the arm and walked her very unsteadily back to her bedroom.  She tucked her in, giving her a kiss and closed the door quietly behind her then headed back to the parlor.  She could see the Doctor waiting for her, pacing nervously.  Even at a distance she could tell that whatever was eating at him was serious.  He looked up at her and for just a moment he forgot the reason he needed to have a conversation with her at all.  Her face was flushed pink from the wine, her golden hair held back in a messy pony tail.  She looked stunning.**

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**_“Come on…”_ ** **he admonished her leading the way, his long legs propelling him down the stairs and through the courtyard, only pausing so that she could catch up.  The rain had mercifully stopped and there was even the chance that the sun could peek through.  A rainbow appeared which Rose was quick to notice, and she almost told the Doctor but the storm was still in his eyes, so she doubted he would care.  Finally, the Tardis came into view, making her smile while she reached over and took hold of his arm.  She let go at once when she felt him stiffen under her hands.   With a snap of his fingers the door opened, the Doctor making his way over to the jump seat leaving Rose at the console.  Then he sat down heavily, his long legs propped on the metallic guard in front of him.**

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**Rose stood by the time rotor looking at him and then tried to break through his brooding silence.**

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**_“Movie night, right?  What do you want to watch?”_ ** **She tried to sound perky but couldn’t hide the trembling in her voice.  It didn’t help that he didn’t respond, just sat there rubbing his face with his hands.**

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**_“Doctor, come on the little banana cookies mum baked weren’t poisonous or anything like that.”_ **

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**No reaction, just a very silent Doctor.   If she had any doubt that something was bothering him she didn’t anymore.  A silent Doctor was serious business indeed.**

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**She crouched down in front of him.**

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**_“Please talk to me, please.  Whatever it is we can face it together, ok?”_ **

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**He raised his eyes at this and just stared at her but, she noted that his gaze seemed unfocused.  It was as if he was a billion miles away.  Unexpectedly he let out a long, drawn out sigh and simply shook his head.  He picked himself up and took her hand, not releasing it until they settled in the library on their favorite couch.  The Tardis had lit the fireplace and dimmed the lights in anticipation of the discussion to come.   Even his loyal sentient machine disagreed with him but understood his motivation.  She felt the strain and knew that this was not going to end well.  They sat right next to each other on the couch, his thigh touching hers, his arm draped across the back of the sofa, near but not touching her shoulder.  She noticed he was trembling slightly.**

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**_“Rose….”_ ** **he whispered _, “Rose I need you to do something for me ok?”_**

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**_“Anything you ask me to do I will.  You know that”_ **

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**_“First please remember when I say this, I care for you very much.”_ ** **He stared into the fire, its sparks reflected in his eyes.  He was afraid that if he were to look at her, his resolve would just melt away.   He continued….**

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**_“Well to get to the reason I wanted to speak to you in private is that I needed to let you know that I have to take care of something pretty far away from here.  I made a promise that I must keep, and it is the reason I was gone as long as I was.  Like I said I am sorry about that.”_ **

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**She leaned her head against his shoulder and placed her palm between his two brave hearts.  The feel of them beating was reassuring and soothing as if they were only beating for her.  They meant home.  She giggled to herself when she thought of that old phrase, changed to suit her purpose, _“home is where his hearts are.”_**

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**He shifted forward in his seat, dislodging her from his shoulder.  She could feel the tension in the air, like it was a living thing.**

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**_“Rose”_ ** **his strong voice barely a whisper.  He looked at her then.  He owed her that much.**

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**_“I need you to go back to your mum.”_ ** **Rose sat forward a bit, so she could see his face.**

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**_“How much should I pack?”_ ** **he had just come back, and he is going away again?  None of this made any sense.**

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**_“I mean, how long do you think you will be gone?”_ ** **This time she wanted a definitive answer.  He can’t come home and then fly off again without her!**

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**Could he?**

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**_“Rose I really don’t know when I will be back, or even if I ever will be”_ **

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**…. once again he fixed his gaze straight ahead.**

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**_“I already packed up your stuff and left it at the flat”_ **

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**Rose pulled away from him as if she had been slapped. She changed her mind; all she wanted was to have him say ‘a few months’, anything BUT a definitive answer after all.**

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**Now that he said what needed to be said he did not feel any better about it.  He really thought that finally telling her would make him feel more relieved.  How could he possibly be so thick headed?  Now, he just wished he was as thick skinned.**

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**He could feel wave after wave of misery coming from her.  The air around them became thick, making it hard to breathe.**

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**_“Can’t I come?  We are a team you and me remember?”_ **

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**She really didn’t want to sound like she was begging but if she had to, she would.  He had bent his head down and away from her and she followed suite trying to get him to make eye contact but instead he bolted off the couch to the fireplace, his back to her.  There was such a silence at that moment that she thought she would break under its' weight.**

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**_"Doctor?"_ ** **she called to him gently.**

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**With the same tone he simply said,**

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**_"No"_ **

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**He never made a habit of saying no to her, so he knew that hearing it from someone who never denied her anything was tearing her apart.**

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**That sense of doom, of finality was back constricting her throat.  The tears that she had been holding inside finally spilled over. She stood up on shaking legs and as she took a tentative step towards him he did something even more unexpected.**

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**Without looking at her he repeated the word _“NO!”_  his hands balled into fists, striking down with so much force that he  knocked the wooden mantel piece clear off the wall and into pieces on the floor.   **

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**The Tardis let out an audible groan of both anguish and pain.  He knew that particular utterance of _‘NO_ ’ was not directed at just Rose but at his situation, at his life and his responsibilities as well.   **

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**Rose gasped, and this time took a step back from him.**

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**_“No.”_ **

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**She was shocked how those two little letters could deconstruct her whole life.**

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**She couldn’t hold them back anymore, so she just let the tears flow free.  Pain, anger, hurt, disbelief; all of them jumbled together in her head.  She wrapped herself in her own arms and sobbed, deep bone crushing, soul breaking sounds escaped her lips.**

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**He could hear her of course, could feel her unraveling with every word left unspoken between them.  The words that he did say were like knives cutting her down and pulling the proverbial rug out from under her.**

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**Her sobs became whimpers but it didn’t last long because  now she was seething, and he knew what was coming next.**

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**Rose took a couple of deep breaths and watched him leave the library, not bothering to pick up the mess he left behind.  She took some time to compose herself before following him out.  She was curious as to where he went but she didn’t have to look far.  He was deep in the console, ripping the Tardis to pieces to get it ready to go to who knows where.  She watched him with his screwdriver between his teeth, both hands working feverishly to fix some switches here and some wires there.**

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**He was speaking or rather what sounded like cursing in Gallifreyan, his jacket and tie tossed over the jump seat.  She broke into the only smile of the evening when she momentarily found his state of undress and his passion as he worked somewhat…stimulating.  She wanted too, no needed to confront him again but she decided it was going to be on her turf so to speak.  She walked right past him and went ahead down the hall to the one place she always felt safe.**

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**She opened the door of her (used to be) room and locked it behind her.  If he wants her out, he will HAVE to talk to her and tell her the truth.  She curled up on the bed and waited.**

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	3. Thunder Rolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose gets angry and risks the wrath of one Time Lord. Rated T but getting mighty close to an E in the next chapter. This is a somewhat long one but needed in the bigger context of things. Kudo's please or 'I am going to key your car if and when we ever meet, I hate it so much!'

**_Now I feel it,_ **

**_Comin' back again_ **

**_Like a rollin' thunder_ **

**_Chasing the wind_ **

**_Forces pullin' from_ **

**_The center of the earth again_ **

**_I can feel it._ **

**_  
"Lightning Crashes" ~ Live_ **

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**_ Chapter 3 ~ Thunder Rolls _ **

**He had a feeling she would go there after everything that was said.  She needed a few moments to collect herself before leaving, and in truth so did he.**

**He mentally agreed with her plan of action and gave her some space.  Fifteen minutes should suffice, he thought.**

**He almost had the Tardis _‘battle ready’_ with the changes he made to her shielding.  He apologized to her because he knew it was not something she was used to.  He also apologized for making Rose leave.  **

**He received a sigh of sadness in his mind from his old ship, who loved Rose like no other.  He tried to explain but he didn’t have to.**

**The Tardis knew and understood that sometimes to move forward you had to take a few steps back.  He just hoped that Rose would be OK without them; she hadn’t been completely on her own for some time now.**

**He promised the Tardis that they could come back here every now and then and check up on Rose from a safe distance, of course.  There would be plenty of time to do that after she moved on with her life.  Right?  Maybe there is someone even now who has been waiting in the wings for a chance to take her out.  Maybe even Mickey again.  It shouldn’t matter to him, it really shouldn’t if some great guy holds her tight and makes love to her and tells her everything she needs to hear.**

**Yep, definitely a good thing.**

**Finally, his internal dialogue stopped annoying him with scenario after scenario dealing with Roses’ happiness to the point where he knew that it was time for him to do the impossible; get Rose to leave.**

**Like her, he took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself and headed off down the long hall way towards her room.**

**‘ _So much for deep breathing’_ he mused as his respiratory bypass kicked in.**

**He exhaled in a sigh just as he reached her room.**

**Inside Rose was sitting crossed legged on what used to be her bed, hugging her pillow _(‘she would be damned if she was going to leave that behind.’_ )  **

**She decided on the fly that she was going to spend one last night in her soon to be old bed and to hell with him, he can leave in the morning to where ever the hell he was heading.  She couldn’t help but fill in the end of that sentence with ‘ _without me_.’  **

**So, to show herself that she was committed to her new plan to stay overnight she pulled her off her jeans and tossed them onto the chair nearest the bed, _(‘the one where he would sit and keep her company after a nightmare had stolen sleep from her’_ ) then reached around and took off her bra, throwing it there as well.   **

**Since it appeared he had already emptied her drawers and closet she was stuck wearing her long black t-shirt for the night.**

**She couldn’t help but remember receiving that just recently in fact as a (highly prized!) gift on a world where she and the Doctor struggled side by side to calm the unrest of the people.**

**On it was written (she had been told) words of gratitude in some unpronounceable language which she told the Doctor probably said:**

**‘I went to (fill in the planet) to stop two opposing forces from killing each other and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’.**

**He didn’t get it at first but when he did, he laughed so loud that she thought they would get arrested for a noise violation of some sort.**

**She was going to miss that laugh.**

**She was going to miss so much.**

**The funny thing was that even though the length of time with this ‘ _new new_ ’ Doctor was a little bit less than her first, there were more happy memories with him than ‘ _big ears and daft face_.’  **

**If he had never changed, she wondered if this would still have happened.**

**She was in the middle of replaying the great memories they had made together and pondering the unknowable when the expected knock came at the door.**

**She was hoping that maybe he was going to say that he changed his mind or to tell her that he would not need to be gone for long.**

**He never invaded her privacy without her invitation unless he had heard her crying out, so she thought that possibly he would let her be for the night if she did not answer.**

**That went out the window however with the second, more insistent knock along with _“Rose, I think you have had plenty of time to grab anything that I might have missed so open the door, so we can say our goodbyes and I can get going”_ came through the wall.  **

**Oh, she knew that tone of voice so well.  From the moment he opened his mouth tonight till now it was the same.  She had listened to him speak that way while giving some sort of speech to a usually very large groups of people.**

**It would convey how serious he was and that they’d better listen.  She would stand by his side, secretly just as enraptured as the rest hearing those dark and dangerous tones coming from him.**

**He was like steel wrapped in velvet during those moments. And now?   Now she just wanted him to shut up and go away.**

**“ _Doctor_ ” she said with a forced yawn, “ _I am very tired and am going to sleep in my old bed tonight for one last time.  Please come back and get me in the morning and I will gladly (she emphasized gladly) go back to the flat.”_**

**It was quiet at first but then instead of hearing the all too familiar sound of the sonic cutting the lock, her ears were assaulted by the sudden ‘ _BOOM_ ’ of the Doctor as he threw himself against the door.  It flew open, and in he came.  He needed to vent his anger and what is a door in the much bigger scheme of things.**

**She quickly tried to pull up the flimsy blanket she had been casually sitting on, to cover her bare legs and bring it up to her chin.  Modesty took a front seat to any argument or sadness she might have been feeling at that moment.**

**She would have made it in time if he hadn’t burst into the room like a hurricane, looking around and blinking in the dim light, obviously a man on a mission.  A mission that was NOT supposed to include catching her in her long, form fitting black tee shirt, the same plain black shirt she had on earlier but had now been transformed into an extremely provocative piece of sleepwear with her jeans and bra tossed to the side.**

**AND he certainly was NOT supposed to be viewing her in that state of undress with her lovely blonde hair cascading over her shoulders and framing her now very stunned face and her beautiful, honey brown eyes opened wide in surprise.**

**He went from a frenzied ball of energy to dead stillness, frozen in place by her appearance as if seeing her for the first time that night, in fact in the last 2 months since he had been away.**

**For a man who could ramble on and talk about almost anything it was its polar-opposite that was getting the point across now, loud and clear.**

**He was staring, caught so off guard that he almost looked innocent.  She was reminded of her cousin when he was caught checking out the pictures in some nudie magazine; young and sweet and so out of his depth.**

**If the light had been brighter in her bedroom the image would have been made even more complete by the freckles that adorned his new face.**

**_“Doctor?”_ ** **she murmured**

**But he wasn’t a young boy.  As she had to remind herself too often he wasn’t even human.  And another word for staring, she was reminded the more they looked at each other from a few feet away, was leering.**

**_“Rose, are you alright?”_ ** **the only thing he could think of to break the silence.**

****

**After all, from his perspective she had gone from a sweet young girl with an over protective mum to a voluptuous woman getting ready for a pheromone slumber party on his Tardis.   If he wasn’t so aroused by the sight, he probably would have found it funny.**

****

**_“Rose, are you alright!!?”_ ** **she repeated back to him.  He was kidding, right?**

**_“You have the nerve to ask me if I’m alright?!”_ **

****

**_“Rose, please don’t make this harder than it is.  I have to leave as soon as possible.”_ **

****

**His time sense was ticking down and he needed to know just what the hell he was up against here.**

**_“Oh, I see now….”_ ** **If he could show such disregard for her feelings, then she could do the same with his.**

**_“What happened…. did you meet someone else, is that the real reason you were gone so long?”_ **

****

**(His fists clenching and unclenching, jaw tight.)**

**_“That’s it, isn’t it?  I always knew I would be replaced one day but I thought I would get a bit more notice.  I should have known”_ **

****

**She was beyond even trying to keep the deep hurt out of her voice.  Judging by his reaction, or lack thereof she was now sure she was right.  He had found someone else, period - end of her story.**

**The air in her room became practically frigid, the Tardis cranking down the temperature to try to get Rose to back off.  In fact, her newest driver was showing tremendous restraint, in her opinion.**

**But it wouldn’t last, she knew the signs and he was being pushed way beyond his normally high level of tolerance.    The Tardis was giving her the only warning she could, other than flashing a sign above his head saying _“DROP IT NOW.”_   There was nothing left to do but to watch this sad scenario play out.   **

**But Rose didn’t give a damn anymore.**

**By this time, she had made it to the end of the bed where he stood, modesty was all but gone.**

**_“Or maybe you would prefer it if we both stayed on board with you.  Do you like twosomes Doctor?  I mean, you and Jack must have….”_ **

****

**_“Shut up”_ ** **he growled at her, his eyes going from warm to cold and hard, seeming to stare directly into her soul as he moved closer, taking her by surprise.  It was the first and the last verbal clue he’d give her that she had overstepped.**

**_“I didn’t even know you had those kinds of desires, wants, needs whatever you want to call them.  I mean, in your last body you seemed to be attracted to me… seemed more ‘NORMAL….”_ **

****

**Rose looked at him.  And then felt her mouth go dry.**

**He stared her down, held her fast with a simple look.  She thought she had been stared at before, played the game with her mum of _‘who can keep staring at the other the longest’_ and she would always win but now…**

**Silence.**

**More than just the absence of sound, she could feel this silence hanging all around them.  The only sound that cut through the silence was their concurrent panting.**

**In the past they had run from alien’s throwing spears, they’ve escaped from jail cells that were considered unescapable, even marched into a ballroom to break up an arranged marriage, causing the King to force poison down their throats.**

**The Doctor was fine but if he hadn’t gotten her back to the Tardis in time…**

**But this…THIS was the scariest moment she had ever experienced.  Her life teetered on the head of a pin, not knowing which way she would fall.**

**Now feeling more naked then she did when he first barged in, she scooted back on the bed until she was in the corner again, never taking her eyes off him.**

**_“You have to leave, and I mean now. Not tomorrow morning, not in an hour but... right…  Now.”_ **

****

**Was that a threat or a warning, she wasn’t sure but what she was sure of was that she was losing (or had she already lost) the one person she trusted the most to open her heart up to.  There would never be another who would make her feel the way he did.**

**_“You know I really do wish you’d never changed because you are so full of yourself now that you’ve turned into a stranger”_ ** **she continued,**

**_“Wherever we traveled, every females’ eye that catches yours you have to flirt with.  All of a sudden I don’t exist anymore.”_ **

**She put her finger up to her chin and tapped it while looking at her ceiling.**

****

**_“Oh, I feel like I am forgetting something...hmm…oh right, Rose.”_ **

****

**(Fists tighter at his side then before.)**

**He moved even closer to her and said, _“you know it isn’t like that.  You have never forgiven me for that one time on Cerelbus. Even though I don’t need anyone’s forgiveness, mind.   She came on to ME, not the other way around and if I remember right you got us thrown into jail on Nevea due to YOUR flirting!”_**

****

**_“If you were really remembering right you would not have forgotten that you were the one who flirted with that blue skinned, yellow eyed girl FIRST, and…._ **

**The Doctor jumped in to correct her.**

**_“No, no, no that was garnering information on the Prince’s infidelity…which was proven with no doubt left when the guy you went to bed with was HIM!!”_ **

****

**Rose reared back and without another word, slapped him as hard as she could.**

**_“You know he dragged me away and you did not even come to my rescue”_ ** **thinking she got the last word but he just rubbed his cheek at the spot that she hit and simply said….**

****

**_“If I had done that you would have told me that you can handle it yourself.  YOU would have gotten mad at me for stepping in.  So, which is it Rose, are you this damsel in distress or are you this super girl who always feels like you have a Time Lord in your pocket, so no one would dare harm you if they knew that I had your back.”_ **

****

****

**She raised her hand to hit him again, but he caught her by the wrist.  So instead she verbally slapped him to make up for it.**

****

**_“All you blokes are the same, exactly the same.  You take whatever you want from a girl and then just leave.  You are no better than Jimmy, you know that?   Yeah, he would hit me but he never lead me on like you have been doing.  What he did with his fists you do with a razor tongue that just cuts people down.”_ **

****

**_“I HATE you Doctor.  What you are doing to me is just not FAIR!”_ **

****

**She knew that this was wounding him. Comparing him to Jimmy Stone was a complete low blow that wasn’t really necessary, but he needed to know to what extent he was hurting her.**

**(The slightest shift in his eyes, his jaw clenching over and over)**

**If she wanted a reaction she was about to get one.**


	4. When Push Comes to Shove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What does she know about fair? He thought to himself that after what he had seen those past few months, fair had become just the ultimate four-letter word."
> 
> Here be some suggestions of smut. The real smut fest is in the next chapter. Now, now...no skipping lol!

**_ Chapter ~   When Push Comes to Shove _ **

**__ **

**( _This chapter is rated T+ for some suggestive comments_ )**

**His stare did not waver but what they reflected changed.  He was the only person she had ever met who could use his eyes to speak for him when mere words were failing.  Right now, there was confidence and determination coming from his inner being.  His stature making him appear taller than he already was, and she wondered how he ever mastered such a hero’s persona.  Then as soon as she questioned it she knew the answer.  He could shine with that light because he truly was a hero.  She had often wondered about him being the last of his kind.  He had told her that he was on the front lines of the war and if so how did he survive?  Was it luck?  Running away like a coward?  No, she didn’t think…no she KNEW that was not the case.  He survived by making the hardest choice no one else on his precious planet was brave enough to make.  Stop the never-ending war by destroying his world and most importantly the Daleks too.  He stopped the evil that had sprung into existence in his own people.  And the evil that was personified in the Daleks.  He survived because he ended a war that would have gone on until time itself was destroyed.   It wasn’t luck that saved him in the end, it was being the best that his planet had to offer.  The one spark of reason on a planet gone mad.**

**THIS Time Lord, the 10 th was not to be toyed with or crossed in any way.  He had watched the birth of galaxies and had seen the same ones die, taking any number of sentient beings with it and he mourned them in the only way he could.  He would scream at the heavens that he could not save them.  He was supposed to save them.  That was his job.**

**He might look like a 20 something college student or teacher but like she sometimes forgot he was a 900-year-old being, practically a demigod with more knowledge in that massive Gallifreyan mind than anyone could even grasp.**

**And it all came down to this.  All of it.  His history is riddled with the blood of those who challenged him believing him to be ‘just another nobody’ and always, absolutely always lived to regret it.  That is, unless they took the one chance he would offer them.  He would even give an out to a Dalek if he felt it would do any good.**

**And there she was, just a shop girl standing toe to toe with the most powerful being in the universe and she was arguing with him.  He had walked away, turned on his heel and was leaving when she had delivered that last deep blow.**

**What does she know about fair?  He thought to himself that after what he had seen those past few months, fair had become just the ultimate four-letter word.**

**So, when he turned towards her very slowly and she saw something indescribably frightening flash across his face, well she may not have had the knowledge that he had but she did have animal instincts that were yelling at her to run.**

**S** **he thought that an odd thing; his first word to her was her last thought at the end with him.**

**As she watched him standing there on the opposite end of her bed she thought a bit more about what she really knew about this new Doctor.  The power that she could feel seeping out of every pore was as alien as it was familiar.  It was rage.  But this was rage mixed with?  Passion, bravery, an iron will, and two very huge hearts.  That was all good stuff. Or so she thought.**

**But only he could know AND understand the rage Rose could sense at his being the last of the Time Lord’s.   If that was everything it would still be too much.  If it just stopped there it would still be the heaviest burden any one person could ever carry but it didn’t.  There was everything else that had piled up on him since then.  These last few months were a living hell and pretty much sealed his fate.**

**And he was angry….very, very angry which was so foreign to this incarnation.  His 9 th self would have known what to do with it the anger but not him.  Rose had no idea the power it took to hide that type of rage from others.  The energy involved in keeping the madness at bay.  It was that rage that he held to himself so tightly because he feared unleashing it. The fear at what he could do…fear of who he might hurt.  Thinking himself a monster for bringing the two most powerful races in all of creation to their knee’s while watching everyone he cared about fall to the ground in his wake. **

**So, it was the knowledge of his strength mixed up with a touch of Time Lord insanity that had her cowering in the corner once more on the other end of the bed in front of him.  And by the same amount of time it took her to figure all that out, he was on the bed and hovering over her.  He grabbed the blanket she had covered herself with and tossed it to the floor allowing his gaze to move from her parted mouth to her small and dainty feet and back up again, thinking…. all the time thinking of what to do next.  Mapping out which route to take to bring him to his final destination.**

**He pushed her hair off her shoulder, revealing a lovely swan like throat. She countered by shoving his hand away.  He leaned forward so she could feel his rough breath against the exposed skin and hear his ragged panting in her ear.  His lips were right there but barely touching her.**

**“ _Rose_ ” his voice was deep and rough, “ _Is this what you want?  Is this what you have been expecting from me all this time?_ ”**

**He was gazing into her eyes in a way that nobody ever did before.  Red hot passion consuming her until the chill of the room disappeared.**

**Rose could not keep meeting his hungry gaze, so she looked away.  But he wouldn’t allow that.   He grabbed her by the chin, forcing her eyes to meet his again.**

**_“Look at me Rose….”_ **

**She waited for him to begin yelling back at her the way she had yelled at him.  She thought for sure he could give it as well as he got.  But he didn’t do that.  Instead he spoke with a deep tone of voice that would have struck fear into the hearts of many but only made her tremble from the heat it created.  That combined with the straining bulge that seemed to be reaching for her left no doubt as to his own thoughts and feelings.**

**_“Now that you have stopped for a breath do you mind if I add a bit to all of this?  And no, that is not really asking for your permission to interject.  Here is what you need to know about me that has somehow eluded you up to this point.  Ready?  First, the word FAIR does not even exist in my own personal play book and secondly, I only see what is and what isn’t and not what is FAIR, at least not for me”_ **

**She pulled his hand off her chin but did not look away. Oh, she wanted too.  But like a planet around a sun she hovered there. He had many tools at his disposal, and only a few she had ever seen in action.**

**His eyes were not brown anymore, at least not to her they weren’t.  They weren’t the icy blue of his ninth self either.  If she absolutely had to give the color a name she would say they were red, but what shade of red she didn’t know. She understood that rainbows had colors that a person couldn’t see because they were out of their spectrum of vision.  His eyes were doing that.**

**_"_** **_I wasn’t around when FAIR was being doled out Rose, so if you had wanted FAIR out of me you should have spoken up years ago, so I could have stopped this, whatever ‘this’ is, before it really started.”_ **

**Being this close to her was having the undesirable effect of wanting to remove the fear he saw looking back at him.  But wait.  Fear?  Of him?  If he thought more about it he could see why she would be fearful at that moment.**

**Judging by the level of pheromones in the air in that room he knew she was attracted to him.**

**So she was afraid and yet she wanted him at the same time.**

**Fear and attraction playing in the same sandbox.   And both coming from Rose.  She was both turned on and scared of the same thing.  Him.**

**If he could have stopped breathing right there and then he wouldn’t have had a problem at all.  But he was doing more than just breathing, he was panting.  It was all too late and all too much.**

**This made his lower/primal self very excited but at the same his higher mind, the one with the final word also knew that she needed to leave the Tardis ASAP, so he could finish what he started.**

**But…that primal side found her very, very intoxicating.**

**However wrong he knew he was, the issue at hand was simple: how to reel in that lust, stemming from his base urges.**

**Trying to do that was turning into an attempt to reel in a shark with no bait on the hook.  He had to keep reminding himself that Time Lords do NOT have primal urges.  They don’t LUST over someone.**

**That was such a ridiculous notion he almost laughed.**

**Because barring some warp in time the size of Belgium or influx into the spatial surroundings which would move himself and the Tardis AND all of London for that matter into another dimension, he was the only one to ever have come up against the lovely Rose Marion Tyler.   This lovely Rose Tyler with the most luscious looking pair of lips he had ever seen or wanted to taste.  Not in all his lives had he wanted someone as badly as he wanted this human female.**

**This internal tie had to be broken, a choice had to be made so inevitably the primal side of his brain wrestled the logical, higher one down and told it for once to just shut up.**

**Just one kiss.**

**Would the universe just get out of his way for once and let him have that?   He really did not think that the Vortex would implode if he was granted just one goodbye.**


	5. All Is Not Fair In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RATED E FOR EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT. Moral of chapter is never push a Time Lord past his limits. There will be a quiz on this later.....

Chapter ~ All Is Not Fair In Love **RATED E FOR SEXUAL CONTENT**

“Do you think it would be FAIR if I kissed you right now, considering I am making you leave? Nope, probably not. But just to prove the point and this is the ONLY reason I am doing this mind you…...”

He reached out running his hands up her bare legs before grasping her hips and pulling her flat on her back. Taking her wrists in his hands so he could hold them down on the mattress he moved up her body slowly, leaving small bites smoothed over with kisses on all the tempting bare flesh that the shirt did not cover. She moaned and squirmed, unconsciously lifting her hips off the bed and pressing right into that part of him which was already so rock hard it was painful. He was finally face to face with her. She could feel every solid inch of him lying on top of her and she had no doubt that at least at that moment he truly wanted her.

And his eyes…. when she looked in his eyes again she saw something spark. Something different but no less wild, hung there like a question he so wanted to ask but could not give voice too. He lowered his face to hers, their mouth’s barely touching. Because she needed him as well as he seemed to need her, she allowed his tongue to run across the seam of her lips while he wanted nothing more than to dip between them. It was just a light touch, but it was enough to make his hearts beat wildly. In barely a whisper he said “let me in Rose” with a voice that was sultry and low as he wrapped his body around hers. She gasped and that was all it took for his mouth to take hers. What started out as a gentle kiss sparked into a deeper need. He wasn’t expecting it, it took him totally by surprise. He pressed down, kissing her with a wild passion that neither of them ever thought he possessed. His ruthless tongue curled around hers, thrusting into her mouth to mimic what would have been the motion of his cock; hard, fast and deep.

Before she knew it, she had tangled her own arms around his back and pulled him even tighter. Even now she couldn't resist the one thing she'd wanted for so long. Him. He did not know what to do, his mind had taken a much-needed vacation the second he felt her respond. All he had wanted was a simple kiss. But now? Now his body demanded more. He groped at her side and let his hands slide up and under her shirt until they touched the beginning swells of her breasts. She arched into him, her body betraying her at every turn. On autopilot now, his higher mind asleep at the wheel his hands moved further up until both were filled with the sweetly curved mounds. Before either of them knew it, her shirt was lying on the floor and his mouth was suckling her left nipple then pulling as much of her breast into his mouth as he could. She grabbed his hair and pulled him harder against her and he obliged, suckling one after the other and all but grinding her into the bed with his desire. Her head dug into the pillow behind her, mouth open with her voice producing sounds that could have been words if either of them were paying close enough attention. Judging by the movement of his hips against her, his iron-hard length was demanding more consideration.

As if sensing this Rose reached down between them and gripped him through his trousers. His breath hitched and he grunted his approval as she stroked him from root to tip and back again through the material. It was then that an (annoying) little voice invaded his thoughts saying how she still must be confused and hurt, now even more so. What it did was give her hope which was the last thing he would ever offer her. He knew what he wanted to do, and he knew what he should do but frankly, he was so sick of doing what he should do he almost ignored the little voice in his head telling him to stop. Almost but not quite.

He couldn’t ignore it because it conjured up promises that he just couldn’t keep. With an animal like growl of frustration and anger he removed his wandering hands and mouth from her body and raised himself off her. Without another word he stood and backed out of her room, breathing hard , telling her once again that she had to leave now. As he shut the door behind him Rose sprinted to the en suite.

She was beyond confused at this point and devastated at what just occurred. Would he come back? Would he sonic the lock? For the first time in what seemed like forever she felt like she really didn’t know him. In the hallway outside her door he stood with his back against the wall trying to get hold of his breathing, the enlarged evidence of his own arousal still straining under his trousers, the feeling of her fingers caressing him still fresh.

He pulled himself together long enough to say loud enough to be heard through the door…. “I will be by the console so put your clothes back on and come out, I need to leave right away and am already late so hurry up.” 

He barely made it to the heart of the ship before his façade dropped away and he fell to his knees, finally giving in and breaking down. The hot tears that had been threatening to spill for the past few months were finally running down his face unbidden.

‘I nearly raped her’, he screamed.

But he wouldn’t, would he? No, that wasn’t who he was. Was he? He was practically brand new in this body so could he be absolutely sure? He sat down on the jump seat and put his head in his hands. Oh, this was definitely the last straw. His trust in himself was wavering. He had lost control and control was something he desperately will need in the days ahead. He could not take it anymore. Not another hour, not another minute. This was a fitting ending even if he did get too carried away in there. Maybe because of it.

It was time.

As he worked vigorously, trading in his worries for circuits and wires of every known color he sat on the grating with his long legs dangling over the side and venting to his ship; “Rose is so naive thinking life itself is fair? We both know my life doesn’t work that way.” He stopped tinkering for a moment just to let her know his feelings on the matter. “The universe owes me so much, and we both know that I am not being smug or arrogant when I say that, it’s a fact.” he voiced to her. “You would think just once I would get what I wanted. But I never do. I balance everything out for everyone else, I make it fair for others. Being attacked by Cybermen? No problem, the Doctor will come and save the day because it just isn’t fair to the people being invaded. Are Daleks being fair when they take the lives of others? Nope, which is where I come in.” His voice began to rise to meet his frustration and anger “But when does someone jump in for me and make it fair for me. You have been with 10 of us now counting myself and I know we all had wanted the same thing, a damn day off once and awhile. When do I get to just live this one life I have been given in peace?” In frustration he picked up the nearest tool and threw it across the room with all his might, smashing into one of the tall struts. His patient ship sent a warning screech into his head making the Doctor recoil with an “owww” and an apology to his faithful vessel. She understood and tried to soothe this brave driver who was about to do something that would cause him more anguish in his future than he could possibly imagine in the here and now. Suddenly and not expecting it, Roses’ voice cut through his internal musings.

“That’s what I was there for Doctor. For you. I tried to even the score. You do that for someone you….care for. That way neither of you ever feel alone.”

He whirled around, surprised that he did not hear her come in. Oh, he was so tired of so much, how could he not notice her? This won’t do….won’t do at all. Not to hear when someone is approaching could mean his death. And Rose wasn’t even trying to be quiet! But he had to admit to himself that she was exactly right in what she said. (It was his turn to try to hold back the tears one more time) He busied himself again.

“Doctor, can I ask you something before I leave? I think you owe me the real reason you are doing this to me. To us. You have never been like this before.”

He stopped working, let out a sigh and told her, “You think you had me all figured out, didn’t you Rose. You want me to say that you were right, that you and I were…what? An item? A couple? That we had something special? Rose Tyler, do you have any idea how many women have occupied your ‘position’ in my long life? How many weren’t even companions, just your proverbial one-night stands. For someone who doesn’t need much sleep, my bedroom has been a very busy place over the years…. (And since he was on a roll, he decided to twist the knife. He walked slowly over to her and continued.) And I never once made love to any of them. That was never my aim when I took them to my bed. It was simply a physical need for release. For most of them, they just needed to be fucked and fucked good. (She had never heard him talk like this before, and it showed on her face as she stared at him) I was just providing a service. And I made sure their time was not wasted. If I didn’t have to leave as soon as possible we would still be inside and I would have made sure your time here was not wasted either. Anyway, many of them I liked a lot, some I didn’t like at all.

(He paused not sure how to continue, all he could think about, the only thing that mattered was to make her leave)

“But even after all that I have met someone really special that has come into my life. Her name is Malena, ask Jack about her, he will know who she is. She is amazing Rose, you would love her too, just as much as me. Wait under the circumstances maybe not. She makes me feel so good. So happy.”

Rose raised her hand up, but he caught her wrist mere inches from his face. “Sorry but you were only allowed one slap and you have filled your quota. Goodbye Rose, have a nice life.”

She pulled her hand free from his grip that seemed to hold her for a few more seconds than needed. (What would it matter if she knew? I mean, I have told her worse, haven’t I? Thinking hard and fast he concluded that he hadn’t. This is a deal breaker. This must be the end.) She turned then and walked towards the door still somehow thinking that he will stop her and say, ‘no Rose, please don’t leave.’ She pressed her palm against the old wood asking the Tardis for something, anything to help her through this.

Her tears stained the door and that stain, the Tardis promised would never go away. Just as the stain will never leave his hearts. (He watched her and envisioned himself touching that spot often. Possibly to punish himself as he remembers how it got there.) Maybe if he is lucky; very, very lucky he will be able to smile as he caresses it thinking that she must be happy by now, must be over him by now.

Just a girl who had some wonderful memories and who is now living one domestic life with a man who makes her smile every day. Someone who makes her feel like she is the most beautiful and special, unique and loved woman in the whole universe. He will tell her these things because they are true. He will speak the words to her that he was never able to. He will be a man who will put her on a pedestal because she belongs there. A man that should have been him but never could be.

The door creaked open of its own accord but still she waited. “Rose I am trying very hard here to get a point across but unless I am speaking in some language the Tardis can’t translate you are just not getting it.

“So, let me put it to you bluntly…. “Get the hell out of my Tardis”


	6. The White Room (Tardis Version) Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where angry Time Lords go when they feel like hurting something, mostly themselves.

Chapter ~ The White Room (Tardis Version)

There is a room on the Tardis hidden away. The Doctor is the only one who knows about it and can find it. Hiding it helped to avoid any questions and besides, very few would understand it’s use. 

It was where he was now.

It took a lot to convince the Tardis to place a cell on board. It was totally white which next to Tardis Blue he always found to be soothing. He asked her to please soundproof it so that he could cry and scream, and no one would be in the line of fire except himself. Finally, he gave her strict orders to not let him out until she thought he was calm enough to get near the controls again without crashing her into something a little less safe than a London alley, like he did right after he regenerated. But now however he had strict time constraints, so he did not seal the door even though he was under more pressure than he had ever experienced before in any of his many lives. He was concerned that the Tardis might not let him out at all even knowing that there was no way around what he needed to do. Oh, and you’d better believe that he looked at it from every angle possible, even some that no human could possibly calculate. All with the same result. Last stop Pradus 3.

How do you come to terms with your almost certain and very eternal death? No regeneration, no cheating it this time. How do you prepare? Is there a Time Lord Will he should fill out? That thought at least made him laugh. He stepped inside and eyed the left wall with murderous intent. He thought that was as good of a place as any to start. 

And so, he began.


	7. The Lovely Art of Time Lord Circumcision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where one Jackie Taylor contemplates surgery on a certain Time Lord and Capt. Jack arrives with a package for Rose that changes everything.

**_ Chapter ~ The Lovely Art of Time Lord Circumcision  _ **

**She hated him.  She heard the Tardis dematerialize making her pause but she never looked back.  Suddenly her mum appeared running towards her.**

****

**_“Oh, sweetheart you gave me a scare. I heard the Tardis leaving and thought you we’re going without saying goodbye…. why are you crying?”_ **

**Rose ran straight into Jackie’s arms nearly knocking her down**

**“ _Mum, I hate him so much.  He wants nothing to do with me anymore. Says he met someone else.  Kicked me off the Tardis and now he is gone._ ”  **

**** **As they climbed the stairs to the flat, Rose could see all her belongings in bags sitting outside of it.**

**“ _That is all my stuff mum.  He must have put it all there this afternoon”_**

****

**_“I thought it was just a lot of laundry.  Oh, sweetheart I am telling you there is something missing here.  We are not seeing the whole picture.”_ **

****

**Jackie held her, soothed her the best she knew how but also knew that nothing would ever take that pain away.   Rose was in too deep, had too much of her heart invested in that damn man and his blue box to ever be soothed.**

**So, when she cried for 4 days straight, morning and night Jackie understood.  Did not eat and barely slept, nightmares stealing her away to somewhere else making her cry even harder as she tossed and turned, calling for him because he always made it better.**

**Finally, Jackie decided it was time to call a certain Time Agent to come and pay her daughter another visit.  When Jack showed up that same day he brought with him what Jackie thought was a gift from him to Rose.  But as he handed the package to Jackie she could see that it was from a certain Doctor John Smith.  Instead of letting him in she met him outside because Rose was finally napping, and she didn’t want to wake her.  He saw the mask of pain under her usual happy face.**

**_“What’s up Jacks?”_ ** **his huge grin suddenly turning somber.**

****

**_“_ ** **_Jack, the Doctor dumped her_ ** **_…_ ** **_. dumped our Rose for someone else_ ** **_”_ **

**It was Jackie** **’** **s turn to be comforted as she flew into Jacks arms and finally got to let it go.  She was hurting almost as much as Rose but had no one to vent to.**

****

**_“_ ** **_If I ever see him again so help me I will chop off his great Time Lord penis”_ **

****

**Even Jack recoiled at the image.  The Captain stood there shaking his head and blinking a few times like he was trying to absorb what she said.  It didn’t make any sense.  The Doctor himself had asked him to be here today.  Why?**

**_“Jackie, I can’t believe that he would do that to her.  He loves Rose”_ **

****

**_“Did he ever tell you that Jack or are you just assuming?”_ **

****

**_“Well you have seen how they would look at each other and…”_ **

****

**_“No Jack, not good enough.  He TOLD her he didn’t love her right to her face.”_ **

**Jack just kept shaking his head, he just couldn’t believe it.**

****

**_“What have you got there?”_ ** **Jackie asked him, seeing that he had a wrapped package the size of a small shirt box in his hand.**

****

**_“Oh sorry,”_ ** **Jack said, handing it over “ _I am not sure exactly.  I got it in the mail and when I opened it up there was this other package addressed to Rose inside.”_**

****

**_“I wonder who Dr. John Smith is?”_ ** **Jackie said, shaking it and turning it over.  Jack put on a tentative smile, he didn’t even put two and two together until now.**

****

**_“Umm Jackie, the Doctor uses the name John Smith when he needs to go ‘under cover’ so to speak here on Earth.”_ **

**Before Jack could stop her, she had ripped the package open.**

****

**_“I am not going to risk giving another ‘I don’t love you’ letter to Rose”_ **

**Inside the one box there were another two very ornate smaller ones and a large and heavy envelope, also addressed to Rose.  There was a tag on each, one for Rose and one for Jackie herself.  As curious as she was she opted to just leave them on Roses night table instead.  Jackie offered Jack a cup of tea to which he gratefully accepted.  Truth be told he did not want to leave until Rose got up and saw the package.  He could not believe that the Time Lord, someone he considered to be his friend (most of the time) and probably the most honest person he knew would do that to Rose.  He loved Rose.  He could feel it every time the two them were in the same room and you would have to be blind not to see it as well.  Jack had been around a very (very!) long time, enough to know love and attraction when he saw it and no other couple could hold a candle to them.**

**It was about an hour later when Rose opened her eyes and yawned.  The afternoon had come and gone, and she really didn’t care.  It was just another day without him she thought to herself as she reached over to turn her small lamp on.  Her fingers brushed against the ribbon of a box that lay on the table along with a thick envelope addressed to her.  Sitting up she grabbed the package and envelope and took both out to ask her mum about them.  She was met with a bear hug by her favorite Time Agent.  She squealed in delight as he spun her around to face him, his bright smile a wonderful balm to her misery.**

**_“How are you doing Rosie?”_ ** **the smile could not hide his concern as he took in her red eyes with the deep circles under them.**

****

**_“I told him what he did, that coward”_ ** **Jackie said it with venom in her voice.**

**Rose just fell into his arms and let herself be hugged by and comforted by her old friend.**

****

**_“Did you just get here?”_ ** **she managed to ask. _“No, but your mum has been entertaining me with penis removal ideas and how to slap a Time Lord, version one.  Just hoping there are no demonstrations needed to pass either course!”_   He smiled, and she gave him a tiny grin back.**

****

**_“Oh honey,”_ ** **her mum said, _“I see you found the packages for you that Jack brought”_**

**She was confused, _“So you got these in the mail, but they were supposed to go to me?”_**

****

**_“Yep, but check out the return address”_ **

**Rose at once knew who it was from.**

****

**_“Just burn it or toss it in the trash”_ ** **she said, tears beginning to fill her eyes once again. _“It is probably just something I left on the Tardis that he was sending back to me.”_**

****

**_“Then why send it to me first?”_ ** **Jack pointed out.**

**With a sigh she opened it up if for no other reason than to confirm her suspicions.  It was wrapped so beautifully she did not want to rip it so she took to carefully unfolding it instead.  On the contrary the one for Jackie came off in pieces, she was that anxious to see what it was.  They both gasped when they saw what was inside.  Two of the most gorgeous and unique necklaces, almost identical lay side by side in the box.  No note was attached to either, just a letter.  With shaking hands, she opened it and off of the pages sprang a holographic image of the Doctor.  He was sitting on the jump seat and speaking to her….**


	8. Against All Odds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter is received, a gift given, a heart breaking......love undying.

Rose,  
I am standing at the monitor watching you walk away. You will never understand how much I want to throw open that door and run after you. I can’t though because this is one mission I must do by myself and knowing your devotion to me, you would have demanded to come along.

(His eyes somehow connected with her’s as if he was right in front of her, making her want to reach out and touch his image. She missed him more than she could ever say)

You need to listen to me and really hear me, I could not risk your life on what is the closest to a suicide mission as I have ever tried to complete. I can see your heart breaking. I can feel it too. All because of me. The one who promised you always and kept your heart safe has stomped all over it. I hope that someday you will forgive me. You will have a glorious life, I just know it. You will find someone, marry and have lots of kids. 

That is why I am doing this Rose, I have to save the children on Atash and other worlds from the ones who are stealing them in the night like the cowards that they are. No one else can do it Rose. 

There is only me standing between child slave labor and all the children’s freedom.

This is being perpetrated by the government of Pradus 3, so that is where I am headed.

Jack, up until then was listening quietly when suddenly he gasped, and swept his hand through the hologram forcing it to pause.

“Wait, give me that a second”

Jack took the paper copy of the letter from her and scanned to check that the name of the planet was indeed what he thought he’d heard. 

“Pradus 3??? He mumbled to himself...

"Oh lord no it can't be THAT Pradus 3." The realization dawned on him like a bolt of lightning. 

The normally good natured and positive Captain became more agitated then they had ever seen him before. He leaned forward putting his elbows on the table and his face in his hands then grabbed the letter again as if seeing it more than once would change the reality of the situation. He stood up and began to pace, running his hands through his hair.

“Please not Pradus 3” he whispered, a feeling of helplessness moving over his handsome features.

“Idiot. Stupid, hard-headed Time Lord FOOL!” he muttered angrily right before his fist punched the wall.

“Jack? What is it? What is so special about Pradus 3?” Rose was following him with her eyes and then recoiled when he hit the wall again even harder the second time.

“NO ONE CAN GET PAST THEIR DEFENSES AND GET TO THEIR TERMINALS TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT HE IS GOING THERE TO DO, I DON’T CARE WHAT HE ‘THINKS’ HE IS CAPABLE OF, HE WOULD NEED AN ARMY OF HIS OWN” 

He was yelling now, as if the Doctor could hear him. He paused to take a breath,

“I CAN’T EVEN GET IN TO HELP HIM. THEY WOULD PICK UP MY TIME AGENT BIO-SIGNATURE IN A HEARTBEAT!!”

He stopped mid stride and blinked a few times as all the pieces suddenly fell into place. His face went from anger to sad resignation. 

“That is why they are stealing kids! They lost so many soldiers in the Time war that they are trying to rebuild as quick as possible!”

“Jack, so what you are saying is that they are stealing the children from other planets and training them to be soldiers in their new army?” Rose could not believe what she was hearing.

“Well ‘training’ in the conventional sense, no. Training by threats against their families, no food or water, torturing them until they comply, THAT kind of training.” Jack told them. “No wonder he is involved, this can’t go on. Someone has to stop it. I mean these are just little kids, Rose”

Then Jack closed his eyes and slumped back in his chair. The full impact of what will be done to his friend, quickly becoming a terrifying reality. He said a bit more calmly but with no less intensity, 

“And the cherry on top is when the ones in power on that forsaken planet find out there is a Time Lord in their midst. They will not stop until they catch him. Their planet was a casualty of the war, having aligned themselves on the side of the Daleks and lost. The Daleks just used them as a stopping off point to refuel. They left that planet to burn, destroying all crops, setting homes on fire, draining their water supply. Totally in ruins.”

A sense of despondency came over him.  
“And when they do catch him they will torture him until he is forced to regenerate, and they will keep at it until all his lives have been burnt away, used up until there are none left…. and then……” he trailed off, realizing that he had already gone too far.

“And then what Jack?” He didn’t answer, just stared at the floor, lost in his own private hell. Jackie reached across the table and took his hand. He looked up and, for a moment she thought he wouldn’t answer but then simply stated,

“Then the next time they take his life he will really die for good.”

He heard Rose begin to cry and that shook him back to the present. He apologized to her, hanging his head and motioning for her to continue. How could she though, after Jack revealed what would probably be done to the man she adored if he is captured. Her mum squeezed her hand, 

“Go on luv, he wrote it so that you would read it, not discard it. Look, he is even waiting for you.” Rose stared into the Doctor’s eyes as if he was in the room with her, patiently on pause until she was ready for more. She did as Jack had done, touching the hologram so that he would continue.

 

What I am going to try to do is communicate with you through telepathy when I can. So, if you get that odd dream or strange story playing in your head just go with it. I will try to talk to you directly too. Because you are a low-level telepath and we have spent so much time together we should be able to communicate just a little. After this letter is over you might get a bit tired so just rest and take a nap. I have a scenario I have been wanting to share with you for a while, so it might be the perfect time. 

If you ever really need me, try calling out to me and a past incarnation will try to be there for you. He is my 8th self, pre-War with the best time sense of us all. But only in an emergency, ok?

Enclosed with this letter you will find two necklaces, one for you and one for your mum. The blue star is called Trillium and comes from the planet of the same name and the others are called Amesee which can only be found on the 3rd moon of Latuche. They must dive to tremendous depths to retrieve it and that can only be harvested once, maybe twice a year if they are lucky. Both types of stones are extremely rare.

Now the Trillium is a bit different in that it is harder than a diamond and the actual location on the planet where it is found is still to this day shrouded in mystery. What Trillium there is washes up on the shores of Baskath, it’s capital city. But they have never found its original source. Amazing, right? I had the dealer carve the stone into a star so that when I am not with you, you can touch it and feel the love I have for you. I do, you know, love you so much. As special as both are, yours was made to be able to carry my story. Let’s just say I have friends in high places who could construct the beads to certain specifications. What you need to do is take the necklace I got for you which is the one with the larger bead covering the clasp and twist the first Amesee bead in order starting from left to the right with the star facing you. You will see a hologram of me telling you the story of the children of Atash and how I got involved. Also, a little bit of back story about why I had to leave you behind. Then there’s info about my childhood at the Academy which explains a lot too. 

Rose, I adore you. I know well over 5000 languages and still would be hard pressed to use any of them to describe how I feel about you. So much, Rose. I have seen sunrises and sunsets that have taken my breath away, seen universes being born, so many things that have brought me to tears, but I have never seen anything as beautiful as you. You are the star I follow, and I would gladly lay down this life and all my future ones to keep you safe. 

(he sat forward in the chair, his elbows on his knees staring right into her soul) 

That is why you are not with me and why I did what I did and said what I said. I am still so shocked and embarrassed at how I acted that final night. I did some real soul searching after you left and knew that when I kissed you and touched you I did so out of desperation because Rose, it may be awhile before I get to see you again. 

(She can hear his voice cracking and his eyes are moist)

I HAD to kiss you. It was more than just a physical need even though we both know that was there, it was an emotional one as well. Funny thing is I can be brave enough to save those kids and risk everything on one tremendous roll of the cosmic dice but admitting my love for you? Ahh, now THAT terrifies me, and I am not sure why. I cannot play the coward anymore though, not where you are concerned

(He puts his hands on his knees and leans forward, needing to make sure she understands him completely.) 

Please, please remember that everything I told you that night about my bedroom being busy etc. was a complete and utter lie. You had to leave hating me, so you would not want to come along. I hope you haven’t ripped up all my pictures. I am carrying all of yours up here (points to head) because paper fades and can get lost. I carry your mum as well this way (but don’t tell her.) I can just imagine how she reacted when you came back to the flat after I kicked you out. She would have slapped me through 2 regenerations if she ever got hold of me! 

Share this story with her because you will need a hand to hold and hers will fit yours the best. The holograms about Atash and about the Academy will only play once and then they will close and seal tight. You don’t need to have those around to look at. I know that I would not be able to move on with my life if I could see you speaking to me every day. 

Jack, you have been an incredible friend through 2 lives now and I owe you the deepest apology and the greatest thanks one person can give to another for how I acted and how you still forgave me. My last self left you behind. I wouldn’t. 

I need you to take care of my Rose for me. My final wish, ok? Just make sure whoever she ends up with treats her right. No repeats of Jimmy. Protect her and keep her safe. She deserves the stars and if I am not there to show them to her make sure that the one she finds her forever with can give them to her instead. Tell her every day how special and important she is. And how, for one Time Lord she was the only universe that mattered. She was his everything.

And Rose it is because I love you that I have to let you go. I EXPECT you to move on with your life if I cannot make it back. You must do that for me, please.

Finally, if it comes down to it I do NOT want anyone to mourn me. Please, please, please don’t. I have lived a very long life and in my 900 plus years I think I have done good where I can and have loved the most perfect being in all of the galaxies. What more could I have asked for? Nothing.  
Rose, no matter how much I have to fight, I will try to come home to you. This is something that I must see through to the end though my love. 

Oh and you can expect the Tardis to show up very soon. No one will see her except you; she will have a very strong perception filter surrounding her. I am going to send my journals through her so you need to go inside and look at the screen to view them. I can’t tell you when there will be a new one obviously so you just need to check every now and then. 

Also maybe once and awhile just go out and talk to her and let her know that she is loved. And tell her I am sorry too.

I will remember the way your loving arms would wrap around me and hopefully it will help give me some extra strength. I’ll need it. I have to figure out a way to tear down the Trade Central Dispatch area before and if I get captured. If that can be done, then no more kids will go missing from that sector of the galaxy. If that is the outcome then what I came to do will be a success and possibly the end of my story. 

So be it.

(He contemplates the reality of this, the true possibility of this and sits quietly for a few moments. For the first time he feels a sense of peace and freedom with whatever life throws his way. Accepting whatever happens as being what is supposed to happen, knowing he did his best. Rose loves him, he can feel it and he loves her. What more could he ever ask for? He looks back up and continues…) 

I am talking to you this way because I don’t want to give you any false hope. Please Rose if worse comes to worst please remember that it was for the best of causes, the right reasons. 

Would you have wanted or expected anything less from me?  
By the way, will you marry me when I get back to you?

I love you. Never ever forget that.  
Your Doctor


	9. The Story of Thesus Prime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he promised, Rose bears witness to the Doctor setting the warriors of Thesus Prime free. This chapter is rated G. No worries here.

**_ Chapter: The Story of Thesus Prime _ **

**The hologram disappears, and Rose takes the paper version of it back from her mum, neatly folding it and placing it under the jewelry box.  That was the last thing she remembered before her world went black.**

**(There was an image of a land outside of any place she had ever visited.  It was beyond coincidence that this vision broke through just then, sending a glorious outburst of pride and love straight through her heart and touching her very core.)**

**…. She felt the orange colored dirt shift under her feet as the great beasts of this world stood side by side with others of their kind.  Raised in solitude they were nervous being so close to the rest, rearing up and pawing at the ground in a show of dominance.  She could see their nostrils flare and their eyes darting to and fro, taking in both the scents and the sights around them.  Their riders were almost as massive as their beasts and just as nervous. They were adorned in full battle gear, swords sheathed but ready at their side.  It was night, but each rider held their torch high as if lighting the way for the off-worlder they were gathered together to see.**

**It was a clear, star studded sky and yet suddenly they were all illuminated by lightening which flashed above their heads and all around the massive gathering, crackling with power, a barely contained energy.  Each strike produced what sounded like thunderous footsteps, heralding the approach of one greater than them all.  This was the visual manifestation of a certain Oncoming Storm.**

**The Tardis flew through the gale, landing with a soft thud on a low hill side in front of the warriors.  He exited and just stood there, watching the throng of men in front of him.**

**She could see the Doctors face morph from almost a dreamy meditative state to an unmovable, unshakeable force, as solid as rock and more dangerous than the sharpest edge of any blade they had ever known.  He reached out and touched the muzzle of the closest beast to him, with his eyes closed and his breathing slowed it at once settled down.  One by one each animal bowed its head and calmed along with all the rest.**

**She could hear him say “ _they are telepathic Kinsi, calm one and it is passed down the line until they are all are calmed_.” **

**So there he stood this Time Lord, in front of the mightiest armies on Thesus Prime knowing full well that the soldiers could very easily turn on each other or more than likely him.  If they wanted to risk it that is.  He raised his hand to silence the crowd and said “ _who amongst you would endanger the peace and your own life by crossing me?_ ” with his coat billowing behind him, standing powerful and unbreakable.  Not one of the men challenged him.   He was the Time Lord, the off-worlder commanding the legion of troops numbering in the thousands who had been at war with each other for so long that the reason for it was lost to the ages.  Only he could make them one militia with just his words and his bravery. Demanding respect by his actions.   **

**Earlier he had landed unannounced and walked through the devastation that war always brings.  He saw the burnt and bloodied bodies still lying there all around him, the smell of death in the air.  It was the bloodiest battle in their written history and it was what prompted him to be there.  It brought back horrible memories and he knew how it would all end if it was allowed to go on.  These were good people and just needed to be shown that a different way existed.  They would need to unite because he knew that the army of another world would be landing soon enough to try to take the planet by force.**

**The massacre needed to end.**

**He raised his hand to quiet the throng then spoke again loud enough for all to hear….**

**“ _You are now one people, one army whose sole purpose is to defend your home, Thesus Prime from off world invaders.  No more husbands, fathers and sons will spill their blood onto this sand unless it is in defense of Thesus Prime herself.   It will take time to trust, I understand that, but you must do so if you are to survive here.  The treaty has been drawn, the proper papers signed, the pledge has been taken.  From this night forward, you will hunt with your neighbor, share with your neighbor, drink from the same rivers, teach your children the same legends so that they know never to repeat the mistakes of their fathers.  Factions are dismantled but the pride you have in being a Thesusian stands.  Be proud to call her home because she, and each of you are unique in this sector of the galaxy. You are now brothers who will fight together, side by side for a common goal.  Time is moving across your land and you must follow her where she leads.  I will always be close by to help in keeping the peace but I will NOT tolerate any more aggression or in-fighting.  Do NOT provoke me.  Obey the elder’s decision or you will have me to answer to._**

****

**_I am the last of the Time Lords of Gallifrey and I declare that for the first time in over 300 of your liswans (years) you are free_ ** **.”**

**A deafening cheer rose through the ranks as each member of each faction removed his breast plate with the now useless symbols and tossed them into a massive fire built just for this purpose.**

**He lead them to a peaceful victory instead of war with nothing more than speaking his truth and his reputation and his honor.**

**He did the impossible even at the risk of losing his own life.**

**This was her Doctor.**

**The man who made the tough choices but all for the greater good.**

**He was the protector of worlds and the champion of the oppressed**

**And, most importantly the man she loves who loves her too.**

**When she opened her eyes again she was in her bed with a concerned Jack calling her name.**

**“ _Where did you go Rosie, I kept calling for you, but you never answered.  It was like you were somewhere else entirely!”_**

**She didn’t answer but instead turned to Jack with a question of her own.**

**“ _Jack, what is so special about Thesus Prime and does it even exist?”_**

**He looked a bit shocked that she should pull that out of nowhere, but he told her what he knew.**

**_“Rosie, Thesus Prime was just liberated about 2 months ago from being a very violent civilization to one much more peaceable.  They were just attacked by another world named Asmantha but they were able to repel the invaders successfully because….”_ ** ****  
  


**_“…. because they all worked together?”_ ** **Rose finished his sentence.  “ _Exactly!_ ” Jack nodded his head.  “ _Why_?”**

**_“Oh, no reason_ ** **” Rose answered with a smile.   Somehow, she already knew the answer.**

**Maybe he can win this one.  Maybe not.  Either way she will be proud of him and never, ever forget the lessons he taught her**  



	10. Time Agent Talks Time Lord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have to remember that he loves you and that is the reason you are not with him now. It is because he cares for you so deeply that he has to make this better. Rose, don’t you see – you really did make him a better man.”

**_ Chapter ~ Time Agent talks Time Lord _ **

**“ _Jack, I want…no I NEED to be with him_ ”**

****

**_“Rosie”_ ** **he sighed _“what he ‘needs’ is knowing that you are safe.  If I thought I even had the slimmest of chances to get in there and help him don’t you think I would be there already?  The army of Pradus 3 is brutal Rose, you need to know this.  A lot of them are stolen kids, yeah, I know but the army that is already in place are the ones I am talking about.  They are NOT going to treat him like a king because that is so beyond realistic.  Again, having a Time Lord in their grasp is going to incite rage from those who took the Dalek's side.  They are going to demand justice.  They are going to try to beat him down because that is what they do.  What he has going for him is he is a stubborn old bastard who is really tough as nails.”_**

**Rose couldn’t help but hang her head, there was so much going against him she was quickly losing any belief she had that he would survive.   Jack knew he needed to give her a bit more hope than she had.  After all, it was partly his fault that she was losing the little bit she had.**

****

**_“Let me ask you this,”_ ** **Jack raised her chin so that she could look at him, _“you thought your first Doctor had that in spades, don’t you…I mean being tough and all that because he was gruf and wore leather?”_**

**Rose nodded through her tears.**

**_“…and because this one is all wiry with a devastating smile and gorgeous brown eyes…_ **

****

****

**_” He is mine Jack”_ ** **Rose smiled.  It felt so good to say that**

**.**

**_“Anyway, this one, your present Doctor is 100 times more tough, smart and downright cunning than blue eyes was”_ **

****

**_She searched his face, wanting so much to believe what he was saying.  Jack held onto her hands and continued…._ **

****

**_“Blue eyes was a Warrior. He would run into battle with all guns blazing.  He did not think first and because of this he would never have survived what your Doctor is attempting now.   This new Doctor leans more towards…well…a different side of the spectrum. Has he ever mentioned his training at the academy?”_ **

**She thought for a moment and, although he spoke of the war he never did mention his training.**

****

**_“Well it was the 8 th Doctor who was there and did the work.  You have a necklace that has holograms in it and some will speak to his training, right?”_ ** **She nodded _. “Make sure you watch them.  If you want to understand him, especially the new him you need to watch those.  OK?   I am sure there is stuff that he never will share with anyone, except you of course but what he has told me frightens me and gives me hope at the same time.  Like I said, he is more than just a Warrior Rose.  Just watch the holograms and let him explain.”_**

****

**_“Bottom line is you need to be proud of him.  He is doing what he has to do.  It isn’t a choice for him. He knows Pradus 3's history and their particular disdain for Time Lords.  But he HAS to fix this even if it costs him his life or worse, his sanity.”_ **

**Jack stopped to catch his breath before continuing.  He wanted to make sure that Rose understood.**

****

**_“You have to remember that he loves you and that is the reason you are not with him now.  It is because he cares for you so deeply that he has to make this better.  Rose, don’t you see – you really did make him a better man.”_ **

**She broke down, couldn’t stand up, wanted to be by his side.  She felt like she needed to act, needed to do something to help him.**

****

**_“Damn him, I would have died with him if it came down to it.”_ ** **Rose said through her tears**

****

**_“And that is exactly why you are here, and he is there.”_ ** **Jack raised his voice just enough, he hoped to make her understand his sacrifice. He needed her to understand why he left her behind.**

**_“What he is undertaking needs his ultimate focus, just like he said and how can he give all of himself over to doing what needs to be done if he has to worry about you too?  Because believe me if I know him and you were in trouble he would always save you first.  He can’t do that Rose.  He has a better chance now than if you were with him.”_ **

**Rose nodded through her tears.  As much as she hated it, she understood what Jack was saying.  She would do the same for him.**


	11. School Daze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the Academy back story which is very non-canon but does make sense when we start getting into the tough stuff, which is coming up soon. It shows his aggressive side but he only learned what he learned to garner more regenerations. He never thought those particular 'talents' would need to be used. Thanks to those who have kept up with the story....it means so much to see how you love reading it. Oh and except for one tiny off-color mention this is rated PG. It is a 10/Rose story, btw.

**_We don't need no education_** **** __  
We don’t need no thought control  
No dark sarcasm in the classroom  
Teachers leave them kids alone  
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

**_“Another Brick in the Wall (pt. 2)” ~ Pink Floyd_ **

****

**_ Chapter ~ School Daze _ **

**__ **

**Rose took off her necklace and, following his instructions turned the first bead.**

**And there he was, looking right at her from the jump seat, dressed in his tux, tie undone and the first few buttons of his shirt open.  She remembered when they had gone to a ball given in their honor.  They had saved the princess from certain death at the hands of the planets Rulers’ own brother.  She had gone to bed early, so he must have stayed up to record this for her.  She sat in her kitchen with her mum and Jack and listened.**

**“ _Before I get to far please tell Jack I said thanks for bringing this to you.  It’s ok if he is there to hear this but please just make it you, your mum and Jack, no one else.  This stuff is about Gallifrey and what it was like to go to the Academy there.  Even though it is gone, it is no one’s business other than you three.  Ok enough of that._**

**_Hello my love.  If you are watching this, then you have both the patience of a saint and a real desire to learn about how I grew up.  Who and what I really am.  Well here goes…._ **

**_(_ ** **He sat up straight and looked at the ceiling as if deciding where to start _.)_**

**_I was an extremely bright but equally lonely student of genius level who bored very easily and hated going to the Academy.  One night I broke into the Great Hall of Knowledge and found a dusty old book in the catacombs that called out to me via telepathy.  It was entitled “The Ways of Warfare” written in, of course, old Gallifreyan.  This proved a problem as I only spoke ‘High’ Gallifreyan.   But instead of giving up I got a book to help translate it.  It was slow going at first but being as determined as I was it got a lot easier day by day.  The first chapter started out innocent enough 'instructing the reader on how to have any blank piece of paper reflect a thought.'  I dubbed it ‘Psychic Paper’ (yep, that was me) and used the trick to steal what would eventually become my Tardis, for a quick ride into the Vortex and back.  Most of the first half of the book taught me simple things: how to create a perception filter, how to build a sonic screwdriver etc._ **

**(He began to pace around the room, nervous energy forcing him to move _)_**

**_The second half of the book was entirely different.  It began with a whole chapter dedicated to abstinence from anything that would take the Warrior off his path.  Sexual contact was thought to have been too much of a distraction for the true Warrior and was absolutely forbidden. And with someone from off world like from Earth?  THAT could result in having all regenerations stripped from you and could even have you incarcerated. (footnote here, the word ‘stripped’ brought an image into my head…. Just wanted to let you know I do not subscribe to the old way of thinking.  In other words when I get back I am going to set a record for removing your clothing.  Oh, and did I ever mention that I do not have any ‘refractory period.'  Superior Time Lord biology due to the double amount of blood flow; double the hearts, double the fun!  Please don’t tell me your mum is listening.  I am so slapped again.)_ **

**(Jack laughed so hard he nearly fell off his chair while Jackie just buried her head in her hands)**

**_Back to the book…there is in depth information on regeneration and what to expect during the process (oh did they have it wrong!)  It told that the greater the mind the more regenerations were granted with 13 being the most allowed.  I was granted 16!   I will leave that to Jack to explain later.  There were Tardis schematics and blueprints to absorb as well._ **

**_He stopped pacing and sat back down.  He leaned forward and looked her in the eye._ **

****

**_“Ok now this is where it gets tough.  Seriously this is a big secret that if widely known would take out the element of surprise._ **

**_(_ ** **He looked up at the ceiling then closed his eyes as if remembering all the things he might not want to and then continued _)_**

**_I was more than just a mindless soldier on the frontline in the war to end all wars……”_ **

****

**He paused and looked away _._**

****

**_My true designation was Assassin.  Shocker there huh?  I prefer the term ‘Scout’ but that does not convey the true nature of the beast, as they say.  The only reason I tested for it was to get the extra regenerations.  So, I learned about it, studied it, excelled in it even but never thought I would have to use it.  But I was so wrong._ **

**_There were lessons that only the smartest and strongest both in spirit and body should be taught, their words not mine.  It elevated the Warrior to Assassin level but was NOT for initiates meaning me, at the time.   But since when do I ever listen (so, I was already doomed to burn in a hell I didn’t believe in for that one)._ **

****

**_Anyway, what I read there helped me to become the “one to fear across all of time and space.” There were only 2 out of a class of 1120 that were given that designation and I was the youngest at 40.) You must understand Rose that this was something I did so that I could get those extra regenerations, NOT because I got a kick out of tracking down people to take their lives.   You know I am not like that.  Oh, sure the ability is there, and may the Gods help those who might threaten either you or your mum!  Anyway sorry, back to training.  There were these really intense sections on hand to hand combat, stealth and using the foe’s own momentum against themselves.   I was taught how to win a battle against one’s opponent using nothing more than the power of thought.  I could inflict permanent and irreversible damage and even death if the situation called for it by using just a touch of my hand to the temple of another._ **

**_(_ ** **He paused to look at his hand; turns it around and then places it back into his lap _)_**

**_The caveat was that normal telepathy was only used with the express consent of the other individual.   In battle no consent was expected so therefore it is left up to the Assassin as to whether it should be used or not._ **

**_I learned how to create a ‘Static Bubble’ which was loosely defined as being able to hold a pocket of ‘ghost time’ around someone.  It is literally the ability to slow down time inside of a small space until the Assassin that created it released it himself.  If I chose to I could leave the person in the bubble forever, never letting the victim catch up in time to those around him. Nasty one, that. This would take a massive amount of constant concentration and was only recommended to be used against a single adversary.  Conversely, the Assassin could take the life of the person while in the bubble although that was considered the cowards way to defeat an enemy.  With a Static Bubble, the biggest hurdle to cross with implementing it was that it took 2-3 minutes of intense concentration to bend time to the will although I can usually do it quicker.  It went on to say that after such an act was completed, the individual should rest in quiet contemplation for no less than 3 rotations of the sun’s before rejoining combat._ **

**_Yeah, right, sure._ **

**_Anyway, I took the book home and spent every waking hour studying it and practicing the lessons.   So, by the time the graduation from the Academy came around I took the tests to receive the designation of Assassin.  And being the amazing person that I am I was granted said designation, even though I did garner the knowledge by circumventing the rules when I stole the book.  They could not deny (THEY being the High Council) what they called my formidable talent in the area.  In many ways, I think they feared me.   I never knew that I would be called to the front lines of the Time War because I wore that title so well.  Not wanting to fight I took those skills, stole a Tardis and ran away only to return when I realized that no one else had the knowledge or the mental stamina to end it all.   I watched as Gallifrey burned and counted my own heartbeats while cursing each one of them.  The only thing it proved to me was that the universe was not FAIR (there’s that word again.)  It let me survive while those much better than myself screamed with their last breath. I did this.  I killed them all, Time Lords and Daleks alike.  What was happening was we would defeat the Daleks who then would go back in time and start that skirmish all over again but this time they would win, already knowing what they did wrong the first time around.  I had to watch children relive their own deaths. They would remember their previous death and feel the pain over and over and over again.  Never ending agony.  Then we would do the same to the Daleks when we lost a battle.  On and on and on.  We were ripping time apart.  How could anyone live with that?  So, they gave ME the way to take all of them down.  To end it.  I had to do it.  I had a good friend look me in the eye and beg for permanent death.  I watched him die and then stand before me again and again and scream in pain over and over.  The only true end was given to me.  I alone made the choice and continuously pay for it day after day.  They might have all been freed from their agony, but I will never be freed from mine._ **

****

**_(_ ** **he runs his hands over his face _.)_**

****

**_I cannot tell you how long it has been, at least 800 years since I have told anyone that truth.  Oh, sure there are stories that float around the universe about what had happened and why, but no one knows the truth but me.  And now you._ **

**(he turns away from the camera, his voice hitches)**

****

**_I never should have burdened you with this.  I am so sorry_ ** **.**

**(He sighs, composes himself.  They can all practically hear his hearts beating.  They can hear him trying to slow his breathing down)**

**Everyone at the table sits in silence, finding out for the first time the burden that he carries daily.**

****

**_“How has he survived with that?  He carries that alone, that poor daft alien.  I will make sure when I see him again that I personally forgive him for what he did, what he HAD to do.  I know it won’t mean much….”_ **

**“ _That is where you are wrong Jackie,” Jack had to stop her and let her know just what the Doctor felt, “ When he speaks of family now, who do you think he means?  He lost his whole family in the war but he told me that he has regained what it feels like to have that special bond again with you and Rose.”_**

**Jackie was so overwhelmed by this….and to think she never even realized that was how he saw them.  As family.**

**_This is why sometimes I feel that we are burdened with regeneration.  We go through that pain over and over and never really die.  But Rose, my regeneration has saved you from my 9 th self and has given me a chance to finally, FINALLY tell you how much I love you.  Gallifreyan’s don’t love the way humans do.  We simply have the attraction to another so that we can reproduce, which isn’t even done the same way as you know it. Love is not the driving force or even a factor in our lives._ **

****

**_BUT I am the last of my kind and now ‘I’ make the rules for myself.  And I love you.  Period.  For the rest of all my lives there will always be you.  And when you are gone I will throw away the key to my heart and never let another inside that special place.  It only belongs to you._ **

****

**(He sighs, looking as if he is not sure whether he is going to continue or not.  He sits up straight and looks directly at the camera.)**

**_About my 9 th self,  (going to say ‘him’ instead of ‘me’ to separate our lives.)  _ **

****

**_On its own, just being the last Time Lord was intimidating enough.  But being the one who was the most damaged by it made my 9 th incarnation doubly as unstable.  Remember, he had just come out of the war and was emotionally and mentally scarred.  He could turn on a dime and go from congenial to nasty (I know you have seen that yourself Jackie), laughing one minute and pinning you down with just a look the next.  But having fought on the front lines of the Time War should have (and did) grant him a wide berth wherever he went.  Most wanted to thank him, a few wanted to challenge him and some, like the people of Earth who knew nothing of the Time War threw the dice depending on who stood before him.  Because of this Rose was always safe from anyone who wanted to do her harm.  HOWEVER, she was not safe from him if he was angry.  He used a lot of restraint around her but there were times that I can remember where he nearly lost it.  That was the burden of my 9th self._ **

****

**_So, I made an effort while regenerating to purge this part of myself.  In this new body I tried not to see myself as the Oncoming Storm.  That anger is still available to me if I feel that my family or myself are being threatened but NEVER EVER would I turn it on the people I love._ **

****

**_Ok, open up the next bead. This is what took me so long to return to you from my last trip.  It is the story about the children of Akash”_ **


	12. The Missing Children of Akash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok gang THIS is where it starts getting dicey. Keep in mind he is not the 'Dark' Ten from "Water's of Mar's" fame..just a very good Ten using what he was taught to save abused children from a life of slavery. So you really can't say he was 'bad'; if you had a bunch of people that you knew were hurting children AND you knew how to take them down would you do so? HE even questions his own aggression but he knows in his heart(s) he is doing the right thing. In any case, I have put up very vivid warnings where the description of the children on the slave ship starts and also where it ends. If you feel it is a trigger for you just fast forward to where it says WARNING ENDS and keep in mind that this is his reason for going to Pradus 3 in the first place. He won't let that world keep stealing kids so he has to stop it. Hope you enjoy it no matter if you feel the need to skip that part or not. As usual, kudo's are much more than welcome!

 

**WARNING: Vivid description of children on a slave ship about half way through this chapter.  I do place another warning when that section actually begins so you are ok to read up till that point if you wish.  If this is a trigger then skip where I placed the WARNING STARTS and pick up after the WARNING ENDS.  Or you could always go to the next chapter.  If it merely upsets you it might be good to read it to feel what he felt when he witnessed it.  Your call.  Just keep in mind if you do skip it that the torture of these children is the catalyst for his mission to Pradus 3** **.**

**oOoOoOoOoOoOo**

**_ Interlude 3 ~ The Missing Children of Akash _ **

**_ _ **

**_"_  **A warning to the people  
The good and the evil  
This is war

To the soldier, the civilian  
The martyr, the victim  
This is war”

**“This is War” by Thirty Seconds to Mars**

**_Akash is a planet that is normally a quiet place filled with very nice people.  They have a lively market filled with just about anything you could possibly want.  That is where I got your necklaces, by the way.  If you know people who know people, they can get you anything.  Like I said earlier those gems are really hard to come by and very, very rare.  But so are you and your mum.  Perfect present!  Should have been a nice stop over if it wasn’t for one thing: the children, boys and girls alike were all beginning to disappear.  No one mentioned it to me because no one knew who I was, but I could feel the sadness which hung over the place._ **

**_I sat on a bench in one of their many idyllic parks, just soaking up the breeze and the smell of apple grass (remember Rose?  Apple grass!) when it hit me that there should be kids playing here.  I mean, it was a beautiful afternoon with a great play area but only 2 kids enjoying it.  Their mom and dad were on a bench next to me watching them like a hawk.  I introduced myself as good old John Smith and commented on how adorable their children were.  They were friendly enough, but they wouldn’t look at me.  Just kept watching the children.  I said I was not from Amesee and noticed that there were not any kids playing other than those two.  That is when I got the story and decided to get involved.  I made a promise to all the parents that they did not have to worry about losing their children ever again.  I would deal with it._ **

****

**_I started to notice flyers being passed out and ‘Have you seen me?’ signs posted in shop windows.  All the kids seemed to be in their mid to late teens with a few even younger than that, say around 10 or so.  Word passed quickly around town about my promise and I was inundated with scared parents almost everywhere I went.  I was polite but let them know that I was just looking at what the children had in common for now and then would have a better idea as to where to go moving forward.  They would nod their heads and walk away, leaving me seething that I had nothing better to offer them._ **

****

**_Then one night as all the shops were closing up I had made a wrong turn and ended up in an alley.  It took a sharp bend and was therefore out of sight of the main square.    I thought I heard something, so I followed it till I got the end.  Standing there was a little boy no more than 14 crying.  I crouched down to his level and said hello and asked him where his mom or dad were.  He said he did not know.  He ran down there because “the bad people were following him.”_ **

**_Before I could get him to clarify I sensed someone creeping up behind me.  So, I turned and came face to face with a group of five tall, well-muscled men whom I recognized as being traders from the planet Pradus 3.  They immediately assumed an attack position that I was very familiar with._ **

**_And they all carried shock sticks used to subdue their victim._ **

**_After making sure the little boy stayed behind me in the shadows I put on my most polite face and said, “Oh hello there.”  And then I asked them why they seemed to be following the little boy._ **

**_No answer, not that I was expecting one.  They took another step towards me while ratchetting up the strength on their sticks to compensate for my size._ **

**_Then I said something like, “Oh now I see, you were going to hurt him…. well sorry, not gonna happen” all the while shifting slightly to my left, watching how the men did the same.  Not the most intelligent of enemies I should say.  Then they demanded I give up the child to which I replied, “Or what?”  I just stood there with my arms crossed in front of me waiting._ **

**_While all this is going on I was putting the pieces together, making no defensive or offensive movements, acting very relaxed.  My training was instantly right there at my disposal and I knew that I would have to take off my ‘Doctor’ hat if I was going to save the boy who, by now was crying openly and was terrified._ **

****

**_In any case my mind was moving at lightning speed, automatically pulling up the correct maneuvers for that scenario, processing everything I saw, heard and felt.  Only took a second or two really.  It is like a game of chess where  all that was left was for them to make the first move._ **

****

**_When they did, it was textbook._ **

****

**_I could see the leader of the bunch tense up, getting ready to strike.  When I saw that I stopped moving and froze in place.  He jabbed his stick at the me where he ‘thought’ I would be if I continued moving left.  Their eyesight in dim light is not that great so I took advantage of that._ **

****

**_I grabbed the stick and yanked it out of his hands twisting it as I did thereby shocking the next one in line while slamming the thicker end of it into the skull of its original owner, knocking him out cold.   The rest were just a matter of good old-fashioned jousting.  Before the dust cleared, they were all on the ground.  I had taken the little boy into my arms trying to shield his eyes from the carnage around us, stepping over the men as we left._ **

****

**_It had been 6 minutes and 2 seconds later when we walked out of the alley._ **

****

**_More blood on my hands but grateful parents reunited with their little boy had made it (almost) alright.   Rose,  I hope you don’t judge me too harshly.  This little boy meant more than those five thugs.  Remember my love, that the moment I saw them and knew what they were there for I had no choice but to defend and protect my young charge.  I recognized their species and knew their purpose and knew that no amount of talking would have gotten us out of alley in one piece._ **

****

**_I am so very scared of losing you.  I am not un-feeling, I am not a monster.  Rose please, you know me, you know my heart.  I get so confused by it all sometimes._ **

****

**_These men were not just hanging around the market saying ‘hmmm, he looks like a good kid to take.’   Traders and militia work for one of the most corrupt governments in the known universe on the planet Pradus 3.  Seriously, there are not many on that planet that would invite you in for a hot meal or stop to give you directions.  Most of them are very poor and have no idea what is going on with their government at all.   Pradus 3 was part of the Time War but true to their nature took the side of the Daleks who they thought would protect them the best.  The Daleks protect the Daleks and that is all.  Somehow, they were convinced to send their own teenaged children into the war while their planet became merely a refueling station for the Dalek ships.  Almost all of the children gone to early graves.  They had no resources to fall back on having their planet torched by the Daleks and not the Time Lords.  But you could never convince them that they picked the wrong horse, so to speak._ **

****

**_So anyway, as far as taking out these evil creatures of Pradus 3 it does get worse.  I was angry….no, I was filled with a rage that I hadn’t felt in years.  But my training has taught me that rage can be used and then dissipated afterwards.  It can be a tool if used correctly and the Gods know I understood how to use it._ **

****

**_My new mission was to release the children already caught.  The Tardis found the slave ship located in a very deserted area of the planet and I climbed aboard through the main entrance without issue.  At first._ **

****

**_The first trader I came across lunged at me but was taken down with ease._ **

****

**_The second man to stand in my way ended up flat on his back with my fingers pressed against his temple.  I tore through his mind to find the correct position of the holding cells._ **

**_I needed to know what was where on the vessel, so I spoke to him out loud and said something like…._ **

****

**_“Show me the layout of the ship and where the cells are located.  If you do not fight me and do as I say I promise to only break one arm instead of two….”_ **

****

**_I found out what I needed to know and kept my word._ **

****

****

**_All the men who crossed my path as I made my way to the cell blocks were tossed aside like dolls.  I was setting up static bubbles all around me and just leaving them there.  I think I mentioned it before that it takes a lot of mental stamina to hold even one bubble around somebody, well I had energy to spare because of the afore mentioned rage.  It is a powerful emotion obviously, that made it a fairly simple task to hold 10 of them in place without thinking too much about it.  Anyway, as the word spread of the stranger headed for the children most hid behind anything they could find so as not to suffer the fate of their comrades.  They valued their lives more than the cargo they carried much to my disgust._ **

**__ **

**(He stopped suddenly, and Rose could tell he was trying to compose himself.  He pulled a few haggard breaths, looked down and then faced the camera again.  His shoulders were shaking, his eyes were moist and when he spoke his voice broke.  At that moment Rose wanted to hold him more than she ever did before)**

**_ *******WARNING BEGINS HERE******* _ **

****

**_What I found in the bowels of the ship was horrific.  If you could only see what I saw I think you would have agreed with my actions.  Do you remember from your own history the suffering of the children in concentration camps?  The overcrowding and lack of food, water or even decent sanitation.  All but forgotten about by their captors?  Well, so it was here.  They were merely a number, meant to take away any individuality so that they would assimilate better in their new role as soldiers.  I know this tactic well as I had to endure it for a time._ **

****

**_There were children whose ribs were protruding out of their emaciated frames.  And their eyes Rose.  Lost and hopeless.  Dead eyes.  I can still close my own and see those kids in those cells and I think I will always see that image until I am truly dead and gone.  The children were locked in dirty, rusty, dimly lit little boxes with bars located at the bottom of the ship (too small to be called cells in my book.) with maybe just their pants to shield them from the temperatures that were way below freezing.  I walked down the long rows between the captives, stopping every so often to peer inside and as I did little hands would reach out to me and I would touch them all, letting them know they were not alone.  One child was very young, maybe 9 and he was crying for his mother.  I knelt down and took his little hand in both of mine and he stopped crying for just a moment only to continue when I had to pull away._ **

**(Another round of tears and the shaking of his head from side to side.  He exhaled loudly and looked away for just a moment, scrubbing the palms of his hands over his face)**

****

**_There were children chained to the walls who had already perished from disease or lack of food and water.  Others looked like they weren’t far behind.  Many of them were lying wrapped around each other to try to keep warm.  I don’t think I will ever be free of the memory.  I doubt any of you could even begin to imagine the horror’s I saw.  Most of them were too weak to even get off the floor while the ones that could were reaching out to me through the bars begging for scraps of food or something to drink.  I could not and cannot let that go on._ **

****

**_(_ ** **His anger is like a living thing as he stands and picks up the closest thing not nailed down which turns out to be a large tool of some sort and heaves it with all his strength across the room causing a shower of sparks to reign down for a second.  His hands fly up to the sides of his head as he paces back and forth in front of the console. A desperate cry leaves his lips making a sound Rose had never heard from him before.  He looked and sounded like a wounded animal striding back and forth in his cage; just what one of the children he was describing must have appeared like to him.  He tries to compose himself and changes the subject slightly)**

****

**_It reminded me of the orphans on Gallifrey that I would pass on my way to the academy, their hands outstretched for just a piece of bread or something cool to drink. I used to hand out the food that I brought with me for my own mid-day meal, making sure to give to someone different every day.  Then my parents found out from the High Counsel no less that their son, the prodigy was lowering himself by feeding the “mongrels.”  For bringing such public shame to my house I was not fed at all for a week and was beaten within an inch of my life daily by my other classmates for the same amount of time._ **

**_But you know what?  I never flinched or asked to stay home during all of this.  I did, however balk at having to stand in front of the High Counsel to apologize for my transgressions._ **

****

**_So, I didn’t._ **

****

**_The next week was worse as I was made to not only endure the beatings but made to beg in the streets like the lost ones I had shown pity on.  I finally was forced to my knees and had to plead for forgiveness from the High Counsel so that honor was returned to my family._ **

**_All of this taught me one thing: that MOST people in power are usually corrupt and heartless and even though I was one of them, I wanted nothing to do with the Time Lords._ **

****

**_So yeah, you see this is personal.  This hit home.  BUT even if I did not have the experiences I had with poverty from my youth it would not change what I saw or what I needed to do._ **

**_(_ ** **He sighs and returns to the slave ship _)_**

**_So, when I reached the end of the row of cells I took out my screwdriver, then aimed it at the box that contained the switch to release all prisoners.  Children came streaming out of their dirty cells, malnourished and crying.   They all ran to me as if I was the only adult they had seen in a while I guessed.  Some of them were calling me ‘Lemia’ which is loosely translated as angel.  I think it was because of the way my coat billowed out.  Or maybe because I released them.  Iit really didn’t matter, they were free!  As each little hand clutched at my coat and others raised their arms for me to pick them up my anger grew to an almost uncontrollable level. I made sure to stop in each cell that contained a child checking on any life signs.  A few were on the brink of death but still breathing so I let them loose and carried the ones I could out of the ship.  I tried to get as many as I could under my coat to give them some warmth as well.  When I was heading back out I passed the people whom I had put into the bubbles and did something I didn’t know was possible.  I raised my hand towards each person locked in one and gave them each a powerful mental push.  It was like throwing a ball, each one hit the wall HARD, bursting the bubbles and knocking each one out cold.  From there I left without incident, returning 34 of the children to their respective homes and into the welcoming arms of their worried parents.  They offered to pay me for my efforts while others not as well off wanted to feed a meal to me in gratitude.  Reflecting again on my past, I found myself reaching into my pockets and giving them the equivalent of half a year’s wages._ **

****

**_Every family.  No exceptions._ **

****

**_I made another trip back to the ship to get the very sick children out and back to the Tardis to try to save the ones I could.  There were 28 in all.  I was able to save 25 of them but the other three were too far gone.  By then it seemed that every family with children and even those who had none were outside of the Tardis, waiting to hear about the sick ones.  You have to understand these people, they thrive on community.  The child belongs to everyone because they know that they are the future of their planet.  So, when I was able to stabilize the 25 to the point that I could release them to their parents a cheer rose up but then I had to bring out the 3 that didn’t make it.  I wrapped them up and cleaned them off and stepped outside to give them over to their parents.  A collective wail went through the throng that were there.  And you know what Rose, something that I will still need to process to understand is that even those parents that lost their children thanked me anyway.  I know it was because I tried but I failed!_ **

****

**_Three little kids who will never grow up and get to run in that apple grass or feel that warm breeze on their faces.  And to think of the hell these little one’s went through in those cells and at the hands of their captures who, I am sure were not gentle in the least._ **

**** **_And Rose, one of those three was the one whose hand I held through the bars as he cried for his mother!_ **

**** ****

**_ *******WARNING ENDS******* _ **

**__ **

**_I have to fix this Rose.  I must stop this from happening to any other family on any other planet because Pradus 3’s own government has such disregard for any life that did not originate on their damn world.  The regime is about as evil as they come._ **

****

**_This falls on me.  No one else has the ability to tear down their systems the way I can._ **

****

**_So, the first thing on my ‘to-do’ list was to make one last trip back to the Pradus 3 ship.  I accessed the memory of the layout and ran up the stairs 3 at a time to reach the engine room.  When I got there, I encountered 3 people in front of their computer terminals.  I told them to get out of the room but, true to every Pradus 3 native I have ever met that was not part of their army, they don’t take orders well.  So, they stood their ground.  I must be honest with you my love, a part of me wanted them to disregard my order.  I still had the faces of those kids in my mind's eye and was seeking vengeance.  They picked up their damn shock sticks and did not move.  I screamed at them at the top of my lungs…_ **

****

**_“COME ON, COME ON AND JUST TRY TO HURT ME”_ **

****

**_Then I added the worst thing you can say to one of them…_ **

****

**_“YOU ARE ALL COWARDS, EVERY ONE OF YOU”_ **

****

**_Now THAT got their attention.  They ran at me all at once, catching me a bit off guard.  See, I just wanted them to try and take me out.  I ran in there with gun’s blazing as they say without figuring a plan a head of time.  One thing I did consider was that if all of them hit me or even two of them with their sticks ratcheted up high they may be able to stop my hearts.   Not a pleasant thought.  Then of course it got worse.  Another native carrying his own stick came up behind me, he must have been on a break or something.  If I had paid attention I would have seen the empty seat at the computer.  Damn, that is what happens when you don’t think first.  So, I did something on the fly, not knowing if it was going to work or not; I put a perception filter on myself and quickly moved to one side.  Well simply due to luck the one guy who had been behind me hit one of his friends and vice versa.  They both fell to the ground.  Then still within the filter I was able to take down the rest.   I kept the filter up even though it was starting to fade the more tired I got.  It takes a lot to hold the filter in place.  Thankfully all I had to do was open a panel, twist a few wires together, hit a few buttons and walk off the ship.   I began counting down.  I knew that it would take 17 minutes for the rigged Castide powered engines to lift the ship off the docking pad._ **

****

**_Or should I say TRY to lift it off the pad._ **

****

**_The sealed and locked docking pad._ **

****

**_(“Whew”_ ** **Jack reacted, _“he must have been so pissed that he would chance setting off a Castide powered engine explosion.  This is not a tiny little boom here.  But to set it to go off when it is locked down in the dock…brilliant!”_ Jack grinned at the image of the Doctor)**

****

**_Calculating that it would take about 12 minutes for even their best engineers to figure out the situation and then another 3 minutes to realize there was no way of stopping the it.  That no one would get off that ship alive; there just would be no time.  I made my way to the Tardis just as the vessel tore itself to pieces, lighting the sky behind me._ **

****

**_I never flinched, and I never looked back._ **

****

**_So, one slave ship down out of hundreds? Not even going to put a dent in their procurement of kids.  I’ve got to destroy their ability to grab any more children from the central location.  Pradus 3 here I come._ **

****

**_Rose what I did to those animals on that ship was necessary and is part of who I am, but it is not ALL that I am.  You know this.  You know my heart.  I was taught how to hurt and inflict pain on an enemy to survive and to complete a mission, even though I hate that aspect of myself it is sometimes an inevitability.  If Jack is still there he knows about this and you can ask him anything you need to know._ **

****

**_Again Rose, these are little boys and girls lives I am doing this for.  Do you think it is worth the risk?  Honestly, should I have just come back to you and tried to forget or worse just ignore what I had seen?  Just let it go on?  After all, Earth is incredibly far from Pradus 3 and Akash.  No risk for any children to be taken from there.  Where does my authority end?  Is there a line drawn in the sky in some distant universe that I don’t need to cross?  Where the people of those worlds can take care of themselves, solve their own problems, are in no risk of invasion from another planet or even amongst their own?_ **

**_Sometimes my love, I wish there were more of me but then again, we would all love you and I am very possessive person.  I wouldn’t share.  And you would be exhausted.  I don’t mean to make light of the situation, I think I just sometimes get tired.  Problem is I can’t stop.  I want to stop though Rose, I just want to be next to you right now and feel your embrace.  Just rest my head for a little while.  You now what?  WHEN I get home, we are going on a vacation just you and me.  Maybe we can call it a (gasp) ‘honeymoon?’  If you will still have me that is._ **

****

**_More ‘letter’s’ to follow when I can._ **

****

**_I love you Rose Tyler, into eternity_ **

**_Your Doctor_ **


	13. Some Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those of you still reading "Penance" you have my undying love....and chapter 13! Jack explains a lot more about how our Time Lord was raised. Oh and a little tiny turns major spoiler re: dying with honor. This is rated PG; not much if anything to worry about.

**_ Chapter ~ Some Answers _ **

**_I smell the fear that rains inside_ **

**_The thought of children who must oblige_ **

**_To tainted dreams and polluted seas_ **

**_The missing moon and melting trees_ **

**_A mist of doom and clouds of pain_ **

**_A toxic waste and an acid rain_ **

**_The passing of our ignorance_ **

**_“Fear” ~ Lenny Kravitz_ **

**All three of them just sat there trying to absorb it all and put themselves in his place.**

**Jackie finally spoke up and said, _“I think that not helping would have made him as bad as the kidnappers”_ **

**Finally, Rose turned to Jack.**

**_“Why didn’t you tell me”_ **

**Jack just shook his head.  He knew they would have a bunch of questions and that he was their only connection to what he had told him about his past.**

**_“What would you have done Rose?  You needed to hear it from him.  But now that you know…..”_ **

****

**Rose thought for a moment, wanting to ask him about so much but afraid to hear the answers.**

**_“Is he dangerous Jack?”_ ** **Jackie broke the silence first, worry for Rose’s safety her paramount concern.**

**Jack’s first reaction was to chuckle because he just never associated being dangerous with the Doctor.  But then he really considered what she was asking, and it was a valid question after all that he told her.  He looked straight at her.**

****

**_“Yes and no”_ ** **he quickly added**

****

**_“He would NEVER, EVER, EVER hurt you or Rose or any one like that.  He is very good at using the right tactic at the right time.  In other words, if he walked in on either of you being hurt in any way you can be sure whoever it was that was doing you harm would be lucky to leave with their lives.  He would disarm whoever it was and save you.  BUT he is very disciplined in knowing what is enough and what is too much.  Granted his love for both of you may taint his thoughts but the reaction should stay the same._ ** **(He leans forward so that they have no doubts about what he is about to say) _If he felt even for a second that he could hurt either of you or any innocent person for that matter you would never see him again.  He would put an end to his life if he thought he was a risk to others.  This is something he only spoke about once with me, how there are ways for him to die honorably if he ever considered himself a danger to others.”_**

**Jackie felt better but still had another question….**

****

**_“Ok but is he going too far now?  Do you think what is happening to the kids is tainting his view?”_ **

**He had to think of the right way to answer, no lies just the truth as far as he knew it.**

****

**_“After what I have heard here in his letter PLUS my knowledge of Pradus 3 I think his reaction is appropriate.  That place is a whole different type of beast.  I had heard the rumors about the children being taken but didn’t really pay that much attention to it.  The rumor mill is always churning out stories about Pradus 3.  But the Doctor saw it happen, got validation that it does exist and therefore had to act.  It is his job Rose.  His moral code is so right that when something gets in there to throw it off it becomes imperative that he take care of it.  And his skill set is ideal to do it too.  If I was there I couldn’t do it.  I don’t have the ability to.  But your Doctor does.”_ **

****

**_“Jack”_ ** **Rose looked down and said it quietly _“Do you think he will make it home?”_**

****

**Jack took a long sigh and looked up at their ceiling as if garnering strength and then looked straight her.**

****

**_“Rosie”_ ** **he began softly, holding her hands in his, _“I don’t want you to stop believing in him.  There is always a chance, a good chance especially for him if he keeps focused and believes in himself AND knows that you believe in him too.  Remember when he said he was top of his class at the Academy?  From what he told me about the tests it must have been such a brutal thing to take on.  He had to track someone whose abilities were way above his, who knew things that he wouldn’t know and then disarm him using hand to hand combat.  At the same time, HE was being tracked so he had to try to evade the person whose job it was to find HIM.  So, there is this young 40-year-old Time Lord, just a kid by our standards who not only found who he needed to find and brought him down but then he decided to back track, sneak behind the other one who was tracking HIM and take him down too.  From what he said no one had ever tried that before, let alone succeeded.  But they made it as hard as they did for two reasons.  According to him some of them saw him as so incredibly gifted that he needed a harder test to prove himself worthy.  The other half wanted to see him fail.  They had their own issues and agenda’s and he was in their way._**

****

**_Now, the government wanted to keep him around as long as possible being as good as he was. And THAT was why he was granted 16 regenerations as opposed to the known high of 13._ **

****

**_Did he ever tell you that unless you already have a father who is a Time Lord it is a title that must be earned?_ **

**(Rose said no as both she and her mum sat on the edge of their seats.)**

****

**_Well sit back you two and try to take all this in!!  He told me he was so proud that day when they conferred the title on him.  After succeeding at the other tests I already mentioned, they threw a few more at the class such as a sword fight where he was blindfolded and must make the first strike by anticipating the actions of his opponent through his other senses which he said cut his competition down to just a 1/3 of what it was when they started and which he won.  And then a race against the rest to a certain spot on the top of a huge mountain surrounded by a frigid lake where the only way across is to swim and then climb._ ** **(Jack thinks back to when the Doctor told him this story and just beamed his biggest smile while shaking his head in amazement at the rememberence of it.  They had been drunk and feeling no pain when the Doctor opened up about his academy days, something that he normally wouldn’t do.  He continued telling the ladies what was told to him.) _He said he was just leisurely waiting for the rest when they finally got up there._ (They all pictured the Doctor on top of this huge mountain, smiling and waving at the rest of his class as they finally got up there with all of them thinking they were the winners.) _So, he was the winner of that one too with what was again a perfect score.  Want to know how he did it?  Well he had told me the ridge was so high that there was little to no breathable oxygen up there.  Buuuut, he was so smart that what he did was to practice it for days before the actual test.  He said he found the part of the lake that was the most shallow AND it had a hot spring feeding it so that made the crossing a breeze and then he found an old path up the mountain side that made the climb quick and easy.  As for the lack of oxygen at the top, by practicing he adapted his body to breathing the thinner air.  He told me that the High Council actually stood and applauded him because he was the only one in their stodgy old history that had the foresight to practice.  And that was the key.  It was all in the trying different ways until he found the ideal combination. Many of his fellow graduates threatened him with violence if he did not withdraw from the competition because they felt he cheated but he argued back that he had just thought outside of the box.  He wasn’t afraid of the other graduates though.  He knew they were hollow threats because his reputation by then was well-known having completed the other tests with perfect scores.   Finally, he had to take some sort of verbal test where he had to give a speech that would last exactly 2 hours, 22 minutes and 47 seconds on our clocks.  No more, no less.  If you can’t give a speech AND can’t keep track of time what kind of a Time Lord would you be?  Then of course there are the standard genius level testing which if you failed even one of them you were out.  So, all together he took down who he was tracking and then tracked the one tracking him and got him as well, won the sword fight competition and also the mountain climbing test.  Then he gave a speech on diagnosing and repairing a Tardis down to the second while the remainder of his class gave very basic speeches on their experiences while on vacation or what they had for dinner the night before (they all laughed) and even with telling very mundane and frivolous stories many of them either ended to early or too late.  Finally, there were the 5 tests of knowledge or what we would call genius level testing.  It started out simple with an essay on ‘Give the ratio of the bending of time to linear time to cross into parallel universes’,_ (‘ I know I am probably mangling this whole thing’….Jack stated) _all the way up to the 5 th test which had to do with using radiation to create a black hole.  They were given a section of space and told to create it and show the math stating how it was achieved.  The genius level testing and the timed test were all kept secret and had to be done on the fly.  The class size, if I am remembering what he told me correctly was over 2,000 students and guess who was the only one left standing at the end!  _(Jack was now smiling so wide they thought his face would crack…)**

**Rose and Jackie were in awe and not simply impressed but downright reverent of his abilities and intelligence.  Rose thought to herself that the next time he acts a bit scatterbrained she was going to let it pass!**

****

**_Now here is the saddest part and the ultimate slap in the face.  So, there he is this genius kid with the abilities and experience of someone 10 times his age who did things he should not have been able to do at his stage of growth, completing all of these grueling tests and winning them all.  So proud of himself and yet humble and blowing it all off as nothing special finally receiving the diploma to put on his wall and a special scroll holding all his scores and the ‘official’ designation of not just a Time Lord but a ‘High’ Time Lord.  This was normally given to standing Time Lords after 100’s of years of experience and service.  He told me he was the first one in his family to ever be granted the title of Time Lord let alone a HIGH Time Lord!  So he goes home to tell his family but they are so distant and cold that they just wanted to know how that would affect their social standing.  Can you imagine going through something that arduous and your folks basically didn’t give a damn unless it brought up their status in the community.  He said it tore him up and still does to this day.  It is a wound that he said never really healed.  He almost felt like ripping up the certificate and throwing it in their faces telling them that is what he thought of their community status.  He told me he went to his room and balled his eyes out until his folks told him to stop acting like an infant and to act his age!_ **

****

**_“BASTARDS!” Rose and Jack both turned to look at Jackie who was now standing and beet red.  “I wish I had been there I would have given both his mother and father the slaps of their lifetimes…or maybe just punched them both in the nose for being such…such…unfeeling, uncaring MONSTERS!!!  (_ ** **it was Jackies turn to pace as she just sputtered out obscenities directed at the Doctor’s long dead parents. _)  And that poor child had to take on all that without the satisfaction of a job well done or a hug or a pat on the back…NOTHING?!_ They could tell that she wanted to throw something so Rose handed her a can of hair spray which she tossed with all her might at the window, breaking it in one go.  “ _ARRRGGHHHH”_ she hollered more at the Doctor’s story than at the broken glass.  Jack quickly got up and made sure no one was on the ground underneath the window who might have been hurt while Rose got the broom and began sweeping up the shards.  A quick phone call later and the glass had been repaired but Jackies temper had not.  She retired to her room where they could hear her frustrated rants all the way at the table.  Jack wanted to wait for her return because what he had to say next wasn’t going to be pleasant and he knew that Rose would need Jackie’s support more than ever.**

****

**_So anyway, back to Pradus 3, like he said the militia are not really known for killing. That is not their way.  But they can leave a person so messed up that they pray for death.  THAT is what they do.  This way they can claim to not have any blood on their hands and can get around the Shadow Proclamations’ regulation’s.   The prisoner usually ends up taking his own life, so they feel devoid of responsibility.  Even though they are the ones who are inflicting the torture that drives the person to do it.  I knew one person who survived an interrogation in the jail at Pradus 3 but is now living in a mental ward.”_ **

**Rose had reached the end of what she could take.  Reaching for her mum, she let herself be comforted by her.  She had watched him change into her new doctor and did not want to even consider losing him.  Especially now that she knows they feel the same way about each other.**


	14. Time Will Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start getting a little dangerous for our hero and Rose must bear witness through their bond.

**_ Chapter ~ Time Will Tell _ **

****

“If I stay, it won't be long  
 Till I'm burning on the inside  
If I go, I can only hope  
That I make it to the other side  
 If you want to get out alive  
Run for your life  
If you want to get out alive  
Hold on for your life”

****

**_“Get Out Alive” by Three Days Grace_ **

****

**Ever since receiving the letter she had been waiting to hear from him.  She would cry herself to sleep every night and visit the Tardis every day just in case the first ‘letter’ arrives.  Her mum could do nothing to ease her pain, now that she knows he was only trying to protect her.  Jackie adores him for that.  From the moment he discarded the leather and put on the pin stripes she felt better.  And he came to Christmas dinner.  That sealed it.  But now, hearing about his childhood and the horrible decisions he had to make and how much he loves her daughter, so much so that he would pretend to not love her at all to keep her safe?  Well, when she sees him she is going to tell him how proud SHE is of everything he has done.  And how much she loves him too.**

**Rose had been checking almost daily to see if he had sent another communication to her.  She was almost to the breaking point of worry when one day she pulled the monitor to her and could see him looking into the wardrobe mirror**

**Rose gasped at the sight, not used to him wearing something so different from his stripes and plimsoles.**

**_“What do you think of my new threads.  All black.  I have heard that pin stripes and long tan coats are out of style here.  I haven’t worn this since the academy and it still fits. It is night now outside, so I’ve got to blend in._ **

****

**_Well it looks like I was expected, judging by the communications I have been intercepting.  No red carpet yet.  So far it seems like they know I am here but where ‘here’ is they are not so sure.  I don’t see anyone outside via the monitor, so this is as good a time as any to walk away._ **

****

**_Have I told you I love you lately?  I love you Rose Tyler.  I wonder what you are doing during your days.”_ **

**She could see from his perspective that he was approaching the door to the Tardis.  He put one hand on it.  Then moved it until it was over the spot her tears had left.**

**_“I have come to this door many times just to touch this very spot.  The pain of that day is all reflected right here.  I am glad I got you to leave but…. when I remember the agony I caused, the reason for this very spot is because I hurt you. Me, the man that you love tore you up, took your heart and ripped it in two.”_ **

****

**(He runs his hand from the spot on down, takes a deep breath and continues.)**

**_“Rose, I so don’t want to do this.  I know I have to; after all, danger is my middle name right?  One push and I am out there.  One push and maybe I can save some kids._ **

****

**_But one push may mean I never get to see you ever again.”_ **

**(He drops his gaze to look at the floor and she can see his shoulders shake from trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to break free.**

**Rose was hoping beyond hope that he would just turn around and come back to her but she knew he couldn’t do that.  Not until he fights the good fight and the battle is won.  She knows him too well; it isn’t that he doesn’t want to be with her.  It is that instinctively he understands that somewhere inside of her she would think less of him if he turned away.**

**He steadied himself, took a deep breath and looked back up with a renewed sense of purpose.  The Tardis door swings open into the darkness of night.  It is pitch black but she knows that his sight can adapt to low light better than her’s.  The screen goes blank and just when she thinks there is no more he is back.)**

****

**_You know, I got to thinking about something and I hope I am not being too forward with this topic but after seeing what I saw I was wondering if you ever want kids?  You know Gallifreyan’s and Humans are compatible in every way as far as reproduction is concerned.  So, on paper at least we ‘could’ have children._ **

**_Well…. listen to me running on, just assuming you still love me and want me at all.  Just in case you are still listening, marry me and let’s have kids someday, alright?_ **

**He was about to elaborate when he suddenly raised one finger, closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly.  It is still dark, but now he is inside some sort of structure.  A dank, wooden smell permeates the air and he is in what looks like an old cabin.  She can sense his muscles tighten, his mind shifts…. shoving all thoughts of her to the back.  Someone is outside.  She has not had enough time to even try to practice any sort of restraint or impartial reactions.  She can hear what he hears; someone panting, not an animal but a sentient being.  Leaves are being pushed aside.  He takes a position by the door.**


	15. Old Knowledge Dies Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated E for violence  
> It is a Rose/10 story from Doctor Who fandom
> 
> Things start getting a bit hard for our Time Lord as he must use old knowledge to move forward in his quest to stop the stealing of children.

**Rose is scared now for him and somehow, he can feel her fear.  He throws it off, like a coat that doesn’t quite fit.**

**The door is opening, squeaking on its hinges.  She can see the end of one of their sticks pokes past the door frame.  She can hear his thoughts, feel what he is feeling as he waits patiently…just a little further…. a little further and now the scout is inside, and the Doctor grabs his arm and the stick falls when he twists its behind his back.  He puts his hand over the man’s mouth so no one else can hear him.  He trips him to the floor face down, puts his knee in the middle of his back and firmly pulls the man up sharply, breaking it.  A final, ragged breath leaves the now still body.  She hears her Doctor think “ _not a child, thank Gods_ ” as he turns him over.  He turns away and is drawn back to Rose…… **

**She is in shock, she wants to run away but she can’t.  She must stand with him, feeling his breath as he pants and his heartbeats gallop.  He reaches down and checks for a pulse but there is none.  He is breathing hard but trying to be quiet because he is not sure if anyone else is outside.  He knows that the scouts rarely travels alone.  He stays on alert, waiting in the dark with the evidence of what he has done lying on the floor.  His first kill of many he believes.**

**(Coming here has forced him to bring out the man he tried to bury so long ago.  He is a pacifist, always trying to talk some sense into people and 9 times out of 10 that is all it takes.  But this situation is the other side of the coin and a trillion light years away from being fixed by common sense.  Violence is all they know so force has to be met with force.  He has to keep reminding himself that there are children involved.  If he can keep the image of those kids from the ship front and center and use it like the match that lights the flame under his unstoppable determination to put an end to it, then he can forge ahead.  No matter how much it takes to get the job done he will find a way.  He will do it.)**

**_“Rose, are you alright?”_ ** **her Doctor whispers, “ _Please, please Rose answer me”_**

**She cannot respond.  She is frozen inside.  Does she feel sadness?  Relief?  Are these his feelings or hers?  Up till that moment she didn’t realize that this would happen, didn’t know that their telepathic bond was that strong and could be activated by watching him on a screen.**

**She realizes then that he may still be in danger from someone else outside of cabin, so she calms as best she can so that he can focus.**

****

**_“That’s my girl”_ ** **she hears her Doctor say in her mind but while he is telling her this someone comes in the window next to him and knocks him down.  She can feel him hit the ground and can see the stick coming down at him and she holds her breath while she watches, helpless.  She knows that she was the distraction that caused him to lo0se focus and if he dies….if he….**

**He trips him like the last and in a flash, is on top of the scout.  He is pushing the stick down and pressing it into the man’s neck.  The scout tries to throw him off but can’t, the Doctor has him pinned in a way that holds him flat under his weight.    But still he is fighting as he tries to push him away but the Time Lord is too strong.  He is struggling to live until he weakens, his breathing stops and he dies.  Her Doctor sits back and drops the stick to the side, reaches forward and closes the man’s eyes.  He feels Rose’s shock and pain and allows it to wash over him for only a quick moment because that is all the time he can grant.**

**Rose has seen death before but is not accustomed to it being so calculating, so she mourns the young soldier.  She knows that these deaths must happen for him to get back to her in one piece but it does not make it any easier and she senses it is no easier for him either.**


	16. Killing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is rated E for explicit sexual content. If you didn't know it by now this is a Rose/10 story which is not canon by any stretch of the imagination but it does make sense under the circumstances. Hope you are enjoying reading this, really I am. Let me know what you think! It means a lot!

 

 

 

 

**_Time marches on_ **

**_Time stands still_ **

**_Time on my hands_ **

**_Time to kill_ **

**_Same old sun  
_**  
**_Same old moon_**  
  
**_It's the same old story_**  
  
**_Same old tune_**  
  
**_They all say_**  
  
**_Someday soon_**  
  
**_My sins will all be forgiven_**  
  
**_Gentle rain_**  
  
**_Falls on me_**  
  
**_All life folds back_**  
  
**_Into the sea_**  
  
**_We contemplate eternity_**  
  
****_Beneath the vast indifference of heaven_

****

**_“The Vast Indifference of Heaven" ~ Warren Zevon (RIP)_ **

**__ **

**_ Chapter ~ Killing Time _ **

**Day 15**

**_Rose, I have just realized how stupid I have been sending you these messages, I should stop.  But Rose I need to let you know over and over how much I love you.   You are the reason I go on.  If not for you I would have given up living oh so long ago.  I die each time knowing that when my new eyes open you will be there for me.  So, Rose if I die and happen to regenerate and you are walking down the street sometime and spot a pair of ancient eyes (with great hair I hope) tap him on the shoulder.  Hopefully he’ll recognize you.  If he doesn’t I will push through and kind of give him a shove in your direction.  There should be a way for me to do this, I mean I have never done it before but in theory…._ **

****

**_Sometimes I think that this next time around I would let nature take its course and not regenerate.  It is just a feeling that my next incarnation is going to feel different about things.  About people.  If I ever let you slip away from my mind…the thought causes me too much pain.  And what about you, when I suddenly open my eyes and have no idea who you are?_ **

****

**_I have moved to a cave and am tired of eating foliage.  Rose, I never want to see a green leafy veggie again.  I feel like a rabbit.  How are you today?  I hope you are smiling.  Go ahead and smile please.  Just one for me, ok?_ **

****

**_Well that was close.  Another pair of army scouts came poking around my ‘home.’  They could sense my telepathy since they are strong telepaths themselves.  I tried to put up my inner shields in time, but they found me anyway._ **

**_Rose, I killed them both.  It was either me or them.  I keep telling myself that and although I know it is the truth I always second guess myself.  I can’t do that.  I have to stop that.  It is harder than I thought it would be to switch from a healer to a killer.  Rose, you have to try to sit in the back of my mind.  I can feel you.  I can’t hesitate because I can feel your fear for me.  I cannot have any fear._ **

**_I couldn’t move them back outside of the cave because they would be found which would point them in my direction, so they are here next to me.  They are not the best conversationalists.   I keep looking at them.  They have parents somewhere, barely out of childhood themselves.  Oh Rose, I need to be with you, for you to tell me it will all be ok.  I can almost feel your arms around me.  Thank you, my love.  Got to sleep just a bit. Goodnight._ **

****

**(about 1 hour later…)**

**_Ok, I have to leave here as it is getting too busy above me.  I can hear the voices of other scouts poking around.  Waiting for night time to move.  Fingers crossed._ **

****

**The screen goes dark and after waiting a good while Rose realizes that there is no more for now.  Reluctantly she leaves the Tardis and heads straight to the flat, bypassing Jack and Jackies questions she takes to her bed and sobs until she is exhausted and falls into a fitful sleep.**

**Day 27**

****

**_Hello beautiful, I am picturing you waking from sleep while I get ready to take a quick nap myself.  I am so tired but at the same time strung as tight as bow.  You know I don’t need that much sleep normally, well I find myself needing it a bit more.  I think it is the atmosphere.  Barometric pressure is very high, so it is a bit harder to breathe.  And it constantly rains!  Not good.  That puts me at a disadvantage, but my body can acclimate to it if given time. Time. You would think a Time Lord would have a bit more of it._ **

**_Back to you my love.  What are you wearing, if I can be so bold?  I remember seeing you in this skimpy little teddy thing, red I think.  You had come back to the Tardis from a party with Shareen wearing it underneath your practically see through blouse and super short shorts.  And your hair was all messed up and your blouse wasn’t buttoned right.  This was an all-girl party, right?  None of those male strippers there?  Jimmy wasn’t there was he and if so he didn’t hurt you, did he?   It wasn’t long after getting this new face, do you remember?  I am NOT jealous.  Well, maybe a little.  Was there anyone else besides Jimmy the loser or Mickey in your life in the past?  For me it has been a little over 50 years since I was with a woman.  I was drunk with a certain Captain who shall remain nameless.  No wait, I am here and he gets to be there so to hell with you Jack.  You may go back to the flat and commence the eye-gouging Rose, I’ll wait._ **

****

**_Ok so WE were both drunk on hypervodka and this woman comes over and plants herself in my lap.  We were in a bar on Malena and ..._ **

****

**_“We, as in Jack and I were in a bar ON Malena and we were both drunk on hypervodka and this woman just comes over and sits in my lap.  Now we forget (or we were too drunk to remember) that the skin of both the women and men there has a natural and very potent aphrodisiac in and on it.  So here is this very pretty topless woman now sitting in my lap and I am clueless and drunk, so I am just smirking up at her like a loon and she takes her finger and runs it down my neck and the next thing I know I am on a bed with her on top of me and if you think how far gone I was between the vodka and the touch, I was absolutely a mess by then._ **

****

**_And she was a rare, high level (most on Malena are low level) telepath who got into my head because all my defenses were down, and I could feel everything she was feeling and vice-versa and it had been so long.  So, when we finally umm…consummated the act I passed out, it was that intense.  All I remember after that is waking up on my bed in the Tardis who began yelling at me in my head that I had been stupid and should have just used my damn hand if I was that desperate._ **

****

****

**_“Anyway…. we will have to try that sometime.  I mean just you and me, not go to Malena!  Or not.  Whatever you want Rose.  If you want to stay friends that is fine and if you want something more it will be fine too.  OK more than just fine.  OK utterly amazing._ **

**_Oh, what I want to do to you.  I want to see that teddy on you.   I want to rip your clothes of you until you are standing there just wearing that.  And maybe those stockings with high heels as well.  I can’t wait to bite lightly down your neck and then push the straps down your arms, (and do it right this time!) revealing your breasts.  Oh Rose, you are so beautiful anyway but topless, with your lovely breasts staring at me you are exquisite.  I want to bend down and take a breast in my mouth, suck on a nipple until it becomes a hard peak._ **

**_Then keep going down while peeling that little number off you. Finally, I will pick you up and sit you on the edge on the coral next to the rotor and run my finger over the material covering those wet, luscious lips between your legs._ **

****

**_Oh, I am so hard just describing this to you by the way…._ **

****

**_Next, I will bend down, open the snaps revealing your wetness and then drown in them with my tongue, lips and teeth.  Put your legs over my shoulders and open you up wide.  I will take 3 of my fingers and press them into you until you push against them, fucking yourself on my hand.  I want to hear you scream Rose, scream out my name.  I am stroking myself right now, hard to do when you are listening for someone who might try to kill you or take you hostage._ **

****

**_(_ ** **Long pause so she waits for him to continue, her own hands busy between her legs as he describes what he wants to do to her _)_**

****

**_I am biting my lip, holding my sweater over my mouth so that no one hears me when I come which is any second now.  I hope that you might suck me off sometime.  Oh, Gods that would be amazing.  To look down and see you between my legs as I thrust into your mouth.  This is all too much torture.  You’re there while I am so far away with just my over active imagination to keep my company.  I want to be inside you so bad, to feel you clench around me as you come with my name on those luscious lips of yours.  I need to feel your legs wrapped around me, pulling me in tighter.  I want to take you hard and fast so that we don’t know where one thrust ends and the next begins.  Oh fuck, I am so hard..any second now…._ **

****

**_(_ ** **She cries out then as her own orgasm shakes her to her very core _)_**

****

**_Sorry about all this. ‘Gods I hope this happens sometime soon.’  And to think it all started with that little red number  you had on.  So technically it is your fault. I will make you pay for your transgressions when I get home.  I need a distraction although I shouldn’t.  I used to be disciplined enough to stay on constant alert, but my skills are a bit rusty in that arena.  I keep telling myself the further I get in this and the nearer I get to completing the mission the closer I get to return to you. When I close my eyes, I can see you sitting there hearing this. I miss you so.  And your mum too (yes there, I said it!)  (Speaking of your mum, the next ‘letter’ is to her.  Rose and Jack, do you think you both could let her hear it alone?_ **

**_Love you, my most sexy angel,_ **

**_Your Doctor_ **

**Trudging back to the flat Rose went in to the kitchen where her mum was drinking her tea and sat down next to her.**

**Rose caught her mum smiling over the edge of the cup.  “ _Now can I say I told you so about him?_ ” Jackie teased her daughter. “ _I knew there was some reason he was trying to push you away._ ”**

**Rose put on a small smile despite the amount of worry she was carrying.  She finally decided to just get it out in the open, _“He asked me to marry him…_ ” Jackie came back with just what Rose thought she would say, “ _I don’t think any other man, alien or otherwise could ever love you more than he does and that you will never have to worry when he is with you, he worships the ground you walk on and when he says ‘forever’ he really means it.  And most importantly you feel the same way about him too.”_**

**Rose smiled “ _so I take that as a yes I should accept his proposal?_ ” to which her mum only shrugged.**

**Rose almost forgot when she came to get her.  “ _Mum, the next transmission is just for you from him.  The Doctor is waiting for you.  It is on the screen in the Tardis.”_**

**_“He sent a letter just for me?”_ ** **Jackie was shocked to say the least.**

**Sitting down in front of the screen Rose pressed a button and there he was.**


	17. Dear Jackie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a sweet letter to Jackie.

**_ Chapter ~ Dear Jackie _ **

**Day 39**

**_Jackie,_ **

**_I am sorry, I should have talked more to you than I have during this whole escapade.  But I do want to let you know how much I love Rose and therefore you too.  I have said it before, but it is worth saying again; to raise your daughter on your own was a monumental undertaking.  Rose is so lucky to have you as a mum.  I know she knows it too.  But maybe you don’t hear it enough.  I have sat on your couch and watched you hugging her or making her a special meal that you know she loves or cried because we would be leaving soon, and you would be left alone.  If I do get to come home I promise to bring her around more often.  Hand over my hearts I swear.  You two need each other and you know what, I need you too.  Thank you for treating me like family and accepting me as I am.  I know the most important things to you is that she is happy, that she is protected and that she is loved.  I like to think I meet all three of those conditions.  You were probably fuming when Rose told you I kicked her out.  I could practically feel your palm against my cheek.  I hope you understand now why I did what I did.  You know how stubborn she can be and so incredibly loyal that she would never have stayed behind if she knew what I was going to face.  Jackie, I know I mentioned it to Rose, but you need to understand that these people are ruthless.  They would not have hesitated to torture her to hurt me and believe me I would have given them anything, ANYTHING just to make them stop.  They are so despicable that they would have pushed her so hard that it might have killed her.  I would have welcomed death myself then because to live without her and to know that I was the reason behind her murder would be something I could never recover from._ **

****

**_I hope you understand that I have really tried to just be “the Doctor” but then something like this happens and I must make it right.  I have to save all the children who have been or might become slaves to these people.  Like I described I have witnessed their brutality.   In short, their lives are pretty much over.  How can I let that go on?  Their parents have no idea where they have disappeared to and are going out of their minds searching for them.  How would you feel as a mum whose child just disappeared with no trace?  If I can do something to stop it, and I DO know how to do just that then the choice is no longer a choice.  It becomes an imperative.  Even if the child had died (murdered) and I can return their remains to their families then they can at least have some sort of closure.  I must do this Jackie.  I just can’t let this go on._ **

**_Let me be totally truthful with you.  What I have said to Rose has not been 100% accurate.  I have just glanced over what I have done here so far.  I have let her know that I have come up against opposition while trying to complete this mission but have not gone into detail about how ruthless I have had to be to get to this point.  When I have said that I have taken a life here or there I have not said how I have done so.  I make it sound like it was such an easy thing to do when in fact each life that I had to end to get closer to saving those kids has ripped another hole in my hearts.  I had to stuff all my emotions, all my feelings down to take another step closer to finishing this but I have not forgotten my love for Rose.  THAT emotion never leaves, in fact my love for her is the light that I reach for at the end of all this._ **

**_Please tell Rose how much I love her, ok?  Somehow make her really understand it.  I love her so much I had to let her go._ **

****

**_Love you too Jacks, I really do._ **

**_The Doctor_ **

****

**Jackie picked up her teacup, climbed the stairs then  disappeared into her bedroom.   Rose found her there, her eyes red from crying.  When Rose asked her if she was ok, Jackie said only three words in response.  She looked her daughter in the eye and said….**

**_“Marry him”_**


	18. Captive Pursuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More "Penance" for ya. Chapter 18 entitled "Captive Pursuit"
> 
> This chapter is rated G....it's ok but after this it starts earning its E rating.

_**I am machine** _

_**I never sleep** _

_**Until I fix what's broken** _

_**I am machine** _

_**A part of me** _

**_Wishes I could just feel something_ **

**_"I Am Machine" ~ Three Days Grace_ **

**_ Chapter: Captive Pursuit _ **

**Rose presses the button and prays for something, anything from him.  Like last time the screen comes to life.**

**Day 59**

**_Rose, I have met some people here who are hiding me until I can get a good shot at taking down their systems.  Turns out there quite a few people who don’t believe in what the government is doing and have been trying to figure out how to overthrow the Sovereign.  Looks like I may be involved in more than just stopping their slave trading.  I am now here to take the whole damn thing down but at least I am not alone._ **

****

****

**_Day 72_ **

**_Rose, more blood on my hands.  They were starting to search homes looking for me and being their normal, vicious selves, they raped the women while their husbands watched.  I would like to say how can they do such things but then I remember where I am and what the government is like here.  I also remember my training._ **

****

**_Well I snapped.  The family had put me in the attic to keep me safe and now they were being abused by two mindless monsters?!!!_ **

****

**_Not on my watch._ **

****

**_I stood at the top of the stairs and began taunting them.  Then sat down and waited.  You had to see their faces Rose, I mean there I was the ‘Oncoming Storm’ blah blah blah and they thought they were the lucky ones to catch me and haul my ass in. When they came up the stairs I ended their lives to protect both myself and the good people who were hiding me._ **

**_Rose, am I a monster too?  Am I turning into the one thing I hate the most, a murderer?  I need you to tell me.  Have I gone too far?  I really need you to tell me.  You are the only one who can either damn me or free me.  But you are not here and that is for the best. They are getting closer and hurting more people just to find me, so I might have to surrender.  When that happens Rose, your name will be on my lips as they take me away._ **

**_Love you forever,_ **

**_Your Doctor_ **

****

**Rose is frozen in a panic, tears running down her face, the word ‘NO’ repeating over and over from the depths of her soul.**

****

****

_**And I will stay up through the night** _   
_**Let's be clear, I won't close my eyes** _   
_**And I know that I can survive** _   
_**I’ve walked through fire to save my life** _   
_**And I want it, I want my life so bad** _   
_**And I'm doing everything I can** _   
_**Then another one bites the dust** _   
_**It's hard to lose a chosen one** _

**_You did not break me (You did not break me, no, no)  
I'm still fighting for peace_ **

**_“Elastic Heart” ~ Sia_ **

**Day#?  I have no idea**

**“ _Rose wake up, wake up!  Guess what happened today?  The people who have been hiding me know people who are part of the resistance AND work at central control.  Like many who ‘work’ here on Pradus 3, they are button pushers and nothing more.  They wouldn’t know a bunch of wires from spaghetti.  But these two guys were nice enough and work exactly where I needed to be, so I was grateful for this assistance.  They got me inside and then stood back and watched as I ripped out all the terminals one by one with my bare hands (I had been waiting for this moment for too long to be gentle) and severed every single connection to their trade ships and to any other trade ships that may be under contract with them.  I sent out a message before ripping it to shreds to the ships carrying the children and to others that may already have one of them as a slave stating the Shadow Proclamation’s opinion on the matter since I am an honorary member and announced it in 2 or 3 sentences._**

**_“The following shall be in effect from this moment forward that, in accordance with the Shadow Proclamations article 207 of the slave trade act specifically trading children, it is seen as an offense where no legal representation is accepted, and the disciplinary action is death”_ **

**_I fudged on the article number I know, but I do remember it being in there. At least I sounded convincing.  Communications began coming in requesting assistance as to how to handle the children they already have.  I directed them to return each child to their respective homes and charges will not be filed but if even one child is left without being returned ALL are considered guilty so you’d better start talking to each other and get this taken care of asap.   Then I fried those lines as well.  Once I did that I sat down and waited for what I knew would be their security.  I mean, I literally destroyed their ability to trade in slaves or anything else for that matter.  If they wanted a slice of bread they’d better know how to bake!  Between all the disconnections and the rewiring I did it will take them centuries to fix it!  And they can’t ask for help either because the makers of the technology they were using (_ ** **called the Tuli) _turned away from technology a long time ago to live a simpler life.  So long ago in fact, that the people who made it have perished and their descendants are mostly simple farmers who are clueless about computers. The government here had better put together some serious cash to get a newer upscale model._**

**_It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist (_ ** **no pun intended _) to realize that someone had infiltrated one of their highest-level areas in Central Control and they would be able to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I told the people who got me there to leave while they could because the underground resistance will need every one of them if their movement is to survive.  They got out just in time because about 5 minutes later the cavalry showed up and oh boy were they pissed.  I ended up surrendering.  I had to, there was no other option.  If I had left with the people I had come in with they would be in more danger than they already were, having been seen escorting me here in the first place._**

**_Big smile for me Rose because I beat the bad guys!!_ **

**Rose went home and told Jackie and Jack what had happened.  Jackie left the table to get a bottle of champagne that she had in the back of the fridge plus some glasses and passed them around.  A loud ‘pop’ and the splatter of bubbly everywhere (Jackie didn’t care, she would clean It later) made everyone laugh.  They all raised their now filled wine glasses in a toast.  Jack broke in with ‘ _To the Doc who saved kids’ lives from torture’_ and then before they could all cheer about it Rose jumped in and said, ‘ _but couldn’t save himself from the very same thing_.’  Then she sat down without completing the toast as did everyone else and became very silent as the realization hit them all.**

**He was sacrificing himself for them.**


	19. The Big White Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a brutal chapter so approach with caution if the whole idea of torture triggers something in you. A definite "E" for this. A very dark chapter in a very white room. Using white in and of itself is a form of torture if a person see's nothing more than that color day and night for an extended period of time. When I happened to hear the song "Big White Room" one day, after I had already written the chapter I nearly swerved into traffic. The lyrics say it all.

_**Sitting In A Big White Room Alone** _   
**_Tilt My Head Back, Feel The Tears Fall Down_ **   
**_Close My Eyes To See In The Dark_ **   
**_I Feel Young, Broken, So So Scared_ **

**_I Don't Wanna Be Here Anymore_**  
 **_I Wanna Be Somewhere Else_**  
 **_Normal and Free, Like I Used To Be_**  
 **_But I Have To Stay In This Big White Room_**  
 **_With The Little Old Me_**  
 **_I'm Going Crazy_**  
 **_I'm Losing My Mind_**  
 _ **I'm Going Crazy**_  
**_In This Big White Room Of Mine_**

_**“Big White Room” ~ Jessica J.** _

 

**Another entry on another day…..**

****

**_They handcuffed me and lead me to another floor in the same building.  Their little worker bees stared at me as I passed but others bowed ever so slightly making me wonder how many dissidents there were.  The only reason I didn’t try to escape is that they had the building on lock-down with my handsome picture planted on every monitor with the instructions to kill first, ask questions later._ **

**_This other floor was more like a hospital ward than a communications wing.  I followed along like a lamb to the slaughter.  All in all, they had about 5 people surrounding me and even though it was do-able, I made the conscious decision to not be aggressive.  They told me to fix what I had broken, and I said no.  They threatened me by saying that they would make me do it and I said just go ahead and try.  They love to torture but are not brave enough to kill.  They get others to do their dirty work._ **

**(They dragged him to the back wall where there were handcuffs and ankle restraints.  They turned him around and he knew what was coming next when they picked up a long heavy pipe that had been leaning against the wall and smiled at him.**

**“ _Which do you want broken, arm or leg?”_   one of them says to him, giving him a horrible choice.  When he refuses to answer they decide for him by slamming it against his left knee cap.  He cries out in pain and hits the ground hard falling in a heap at their feet.  Their laughter is about the only thing he can hear above his own racing hearts as he grits his teeth and tries desperately not to cry out again.  They order him to fix the system and he says “ _no_ ” as calmly as he can through the haze of the pain.  One of them steps closer and viciously kicks the shattered knee.  His mind begins to slip away and he hears himself scream as if from a far distance.  He tries to separate himself from the torture and he succeeds to a certain extent until they grab him and haul him against the wall, lifting him until this wrists are chained to it, his legs hanging off the floor.  The pull on his leg is tremendous until a man dressed in a lab coat comes in with a large hypodermic and jabs it in his arm.  He whispers, “ _this will help with the pain…. now sleep_ ” and no sooner does he say it then the Doctor’s  head falls to the side and his eyes shut.  When he awakens his leg is in a cast, his arms straining under his own weight.  His leg is throbbing, but he knows it could feel worse because he can sense that the pain killer is still coursing through his veins.  He worries how it will feel when it wears off, but it is either the pain or this total brain numbness he despises.  He looks at the restraints to see if there is any weakness he can exploit; carefully grabs at the chains they hang from and pulls himself up just enough to see how secure they are in the wall.  The weight of the cast makes it even more difficult, but he still tries.  He can only hold it for a moment before he has to drop back down.  His wrists are turning purple making him wonder how long he had been hanging there unconscious.  He does not tell Rose these things knowing how much it would hurt her to hear them.  Besides, he has other things to tell.)**

****

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_They have put me in an all-white cell and that doesn’t sound too bad until you realize that is all I will see as long as I am there.  Which, by the way will probably be quite a while.  I hate white Rose, if I ever get home I will personally paint every white room in the flat Tardis blue, ok?   Or, a beautiful rose color if you'd like although it would have a hard time competing with the real thing._ **

****

**_Well here goes.  They have accessed my memories since they are about as strong as I am telepathy wise.  They have forced me to watch you die in so many ways.  Each one incredibly vivid and oh so gruesome.  Just know that I am OK and that I know that it was all just an illusion and that you are alright._ **

****

**_I love you. Don't forget that ever,_ **

**_Your Doctor_ **

                                        

 

 

 


	20. Comfortably Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose has some fun out with friends and then even gets to 'be' with the Doctor via telepathy. She has an encounter with the 8th Doctor as well.
> 
> And then something happens......

**_“Did you exchange,_**   
_**A walk on part in the war,** _   
_**For a lead role in a cage?”** _

_**“Wish You Were Here” ~ Pink Floyd** _

__

_**“There is no pain you are receding** _   
_**A distant ship smoke on the horizon** _   
_**You are only coming through in waves** _   
_**Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying** _   
_**I have become, comfortably numb”** _

_**“Comfortably Numb” ~ Pink Floyd** _

**_ Chapter: Comfortably Numb _ **

**For Rose the time was going by so slowly.  She was grateful to her little family that had been her support.  She keeps dreading the journals, when at the beginning she looked forward to them.  Now he was being hurt, being tortured and how do you listen to the one you love the most being in pain?  She keeps hoping they would release him.  But she has a feeling they won’t.  She even went so far as to call out for the 8th Doctor as he told her she could.  He was handsome and fun and very supportive and reassuring.  Just the balm she needed to soothe her wounds.  He told her that if she needed anything he would be there for her till he could get home.  He could only imagine what he was going through but he also knew how strong they were.  He found that he really liked his blonde companion and even enjoyed the company of some man named Jack that was helping to take care of her.  He promised her he would keep their lines of communication open so that getting in touch with him would not be difficult at all.**

**Rose decided to try to get her mind off everything by meeting up with her friends at a bar for a couple of beers.  Shareen was there with a few of the other gals.  The talk, as expected ended up directed at Rose and the Doctor.**

**“ _So, has that oh so handsome boyfriend of yours been_?” Shareen popped in with the first question.**

**“ _He has been working out of the country for a few months._ ” She answered, knowing Shareen’s next question would revolve around sex.  **

**“ _So, anyone on the side?  Using up any batteries lately_?”  All the girls got a great chuckle out of that.**

**Rose shut them up with “ _No, not really, it’s just not the same.  Can’t find one big enough_ ” Shareen winked at her and Rose winked back.**

**So, after a few hours of catching up, Rose decided to call it a night and take the short walk home.  She thought that she would try to call out to her Doctor and see if she could talk to him herself, an ability that is coming through slowly by surely.  She missed him so very much and does not want even one night to go by without hearing what he has to say, even if it is painful.**

**She knew she could do it.  If she tried really, really hard she just knew she would be able to see him and talk to him.  So she concentrated as much as she could, pictured him near a beach that they had gone to together.  Suddenly he was in her head, but it was a very distant type of echo.  She called to him again and then there he was, sitting on the sand his back to her.  She got to him as the water splashed over his feet, but he wouldn’t look at her.  She could see that his left arm and right ankle were twisted in an odd angle.  Rose kneeled in front of him and raised his face to look at her.  He turned to her and she gasped.  His face was a mass of deep cuts and bruises. _“Rose”_ he said to her in a sob.  **

**_“Is it really you? Please, I need it to be you.”_ ** **She gently took his head in her hands and cradled him against her.**

**“ _It is me love_ ” she let him cry it out because she knew that he would not cry in front of his captors or anyone else for that matter. **

**“ _I will always be here whenever you need me. I will come to you_ ” He was quiet for a moment or two but then raised his face to hers and looked into her eyes.  **

**She realized then that she had it wrong.**

**The tears were not about any pain he might be enduring.  They were all about the pain he was about to inflict on her.**

**“ _Remember how I was trying to kick you out of the Tardis at the beginning of my little holiday?”_**

**_“How could I forget?  And we are going to have a long discussion about that when you get home_ ** **.” Rose poked him in the chest to emphasize her point.**

**He was silent again but he finally sighed and without looking at her drove the nail into the coffin;**

**“ _Rose, you and I both know that the chances of me coming home are next to nil and…well…even if I do make it home I will probably be one hell of a broken old man.  But I don’t want you to be hanging on to a memory which is all I will become after a while if I am still stuck in this vile place.  I mean, what kind of a relationship can we have?”_**

**Rose tried very hard not to let him see how devastated she was inside by his words.**

**“ _Do you really think my love is that shallow?  Is yours?  You are doing it again, thinking for me, making decisions for me.  If you don’t want me can you please, please tell me the truth and not what you think is best for me_!” **

**As they were speaking she was on her way back to the flat and finally got there in record time.**

**Opening the door with the new key that her mum had made since finding out that Jimmy was on the prowl again in her neighborhood, she went in and threw herself on the couch kicking off her shoes.**

**" _Of course, I want you!  Don't ever even think that, not for one second do you hear me_?"  his tone was forceful and to the point.  She could hear the exasperation in his voice.  **

**He was quiet then and she could tell by how he would not look at her and how heavy the air suddenly became that he had something important he had to say.**

**“ _Rose,_ ” he started as he finally met her gaze.  Somehow all the marks were gone from his face, arms and hands causing her to stare closer at the places she was sure moments ago there were bruises.  He didn’t want what might be the last time she saw him to be filled with memories of a broken man.  **

**“ _Rose_ ,” he repeated more forcefully as he took her hands in his, _“they have placed a plate on the floor in the middle of the cell and on it they have put a knife.  Not just any knife either….”_ he hesitated knowing this was going to be one of the hardest things he had ever had to do.  **

**“ _It is a ceremonial dagger that was used on Gallifrey when…. when a Time Lord felt he might prove a danger to his loved ones or anyone for that matter.”_   Rose at once dropped his hands and stepped back from him as if she was burned by his touch.  **

**“ _You wouldn’t…. don’t you dare say you would hurt yourself please!”_**

****

**_“Hurting myself is not the main issue here.  Rose……_ ** **” he wanted her to, no NEEDED for her to understand.**

**“ _You would never hurt me or mum or anyone else, you are stronger than that!”_ Rose had gone from shock and sadness to anger, trying to challenge his deeply held belief that death for himself is better than what he might do if he continued living.**

**“ _Oh, I wouldn’t?!_ ” his own anger spilling over, “ _you have only caught a glimpse of what I have done to others.  You have been inside my head while I have killed.  Well take that and times it by millions.  I could never wash all that blood away Rose, NEVER.  And then you have only heard what I have shared in my journals about what it is like here.  The daily torture, the false memories about you with practically every guy I could think of, the telepathic thoughts of me being buried alive or you being drowned and on and on and on.  I REFUSE TO COME HOME TO YOU IF I CANNOT DO SO WITH MY MIND STILL INTACT.  I am holding on by my fingertips here Rose, and that’s all.  I would only use the dagger if I felt my mind slipping to such a dark place that I know I cannot return from it.  I would need to use it while I still have a spark of rational thinking left.”_**

****

**_“There is always therapy.  I would go with you in fact.”_ ** **Rose threw back at him, still horrified at what he was telling her.**

**The Doctor began laughing at the idea. _“And how would I start that conversation Rose?”_**

**_“Yes, I need your help because I have murdered millions and have been tortured for the past whatever amount of months.  Oh yes, I would go from one padded cell to another if I decided to share that little bit of knowledge.  I don’t even have the luxury of my own people to share my fears with.”_ **

**Suddenly Rose sat up and pointed to his face.**

**_“How did your face get so clear so fast Doctor?  You had told me once that it was hard for you skin to heal when it keeps taking a beating but if that was true than how could it suddenly be clear?_ ** **”**

**She had been pacing in front of him but then stopped, tears welling up in her eyes.**

**_“You are allowing yourself to die slowly, aren’t you_ ** **?”  Rose looked into his eyes again. _“You are purposely stopping your body from repairing itself like it normally would.  You have already made your decision and telling me is just an after-thought.”_**

****

**_“If you were waiting to tell me first then you might as well just use the knife and get it over with.”_ **

****

**_He quickly changed the subject…._ **

**_“I know I never mentioned it but we don’t have any windows here in the cells.  No windows so no view of the night sky.  What I wouldn’t give for just one peek at the stars.”_ **

****

**_“Rose, is it night time there now?  What does the sky look like?”_ **

**He heard her gasp and saw her break down at that request.  She went to her window and looked up into a clear star-studded blackness, closed her eyes and sent the powerful image to him that was so strong it knocked him to the floor in real time.**

**“ _Rose, now go to the mirror in your room please, for me_?”  She opened her eyes and did as he asked, looking at her own image.  He was there too, she could see him in the mirror as well.  He smiled and said simply…**

**“ _And I thought the night sky was beautiful.  No star, no moon, no sunrise could ever compare to the beauty in front of me now.”_ **

**Rose shrugged her shoulders,**

**_‘I am nothing special’_ ** **and at that moment he knew that he had to prove it to her.**

**“ _Close your eyes just one more time, ok?_ ”  and when she did he threw everything she was to him into her mind’s eye, a love that was deeper than any ocean and more endless than any universe.  More brilliant than a trillion suns all shining at once and more than the number of stars that he has seen in all his lifetimes and if he could he would package it all up and set it at her feet because she was his goddess and all he wanted to do was worship her for as long as he could.  It was endless and all encompassing.  **

**Then, in barely a whisper he told her that…**

**_“You hold more than just my hearts in your hands.  You make me believe in a soul and if I have one, which I hope I do then you have that as well.  I love you Rose Tyler, endlessly and forever.”_ **

**Suddenly Rose fell silent.  He could feel her apprehension as the image of her in his head wavered and then disappeared.  All her concentration had turned somewhere else.  Then she screamed....**


	21. Jimmy's Verse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy and 'friends' come to town. Even though you don't get to 'see' it, rape is implied so I would rate this one an M.

**_ Interlude ~ Jimmy’s Verse _ **

**Just when he thought she might have fallen asleep, his name was screamed in his mind followed by the single word ‘ _Help_!'  Their link was suddenly blown wide open again and he could make out the voices of at least 3 other males in her immediate vicinity.**

**" _Rose_?"  he stood up and yelled for her to answer him but all he heard was….**

**" _Jimmy no please, just take your friends and go ok?  Mum is sleeping, and I don't want to wake her.  We can meet up tomorrow, alright?"_**

**He could hear the panic in her voice, just under the surface.  Trying to be brave.**

**" _You wouldn't have left the door unlocked if you weren't expecting company, Rosie.  Where's that new bloke you have been seeing?  Guess he is out with some other whore.  Well that leaves me and my friends to take care you."_   **

**The Doctor could hear the sneer in his voice when he spoke.  He was beside himself, trapped in a milky white cage of hell while the woman he loved was being threatened by her ex-boyfriend and his mates.  His respiratory bypass was all but gone, his hearts were galloping along way past what was safe in his condition and his throat was hoarse from crying out her name.**

**Then the Doctor heard another scream.**

**“ _He got to them_ ” the Doctor cried out to his younger self who he hoped was listening somewhere “ _Help her!”_**

**The 8 th Doctor, who had been connected to their conversation through their close timelines had  heard the whole conversation but was stuck.  His Tardis was re-fueling on a spot only known to him located on Caracalla’s third moon and wouldn’t be able to move for another 4 Earth hours at the minimum.  He had the misfortune of bringing Jack along having met up with him on Caracalla itself as he pranced around a bar trying to pick up anything that was breathing.  Jack recognized him immediately somehow, so he tagged along back to his Tardis.  No matter how much he tinkered with his Vortex Manipulator it would not reach that great of a distance to get him back to Earth quicker than the 4 hours he had to wait.  Even with some planet hopping in between they would never get to her under the 4 hours.    The Doctor had to painfully transmit this to his 10th self and listen as the most horrible wail he had ever heard over him like a tidal wave.  **

**But then a small sliver of hope dawned on his younger self while they sat and waited, just a tiny little idea that ‘ _should_ ’ never work but that never stopped him before.  He grabbed the Vortex Manipulator from off the console where he had thrown it earlier and took his sonic to it with a new-found vengeance.  **

****

**_“What if….”_ ** **he began and then stopped, noticing that he had not heard from his 10 th self in a while.  **

**_“Doctor?_ ** **”  he called out, now truly concerned.  A small, very un-Doctor like sob came back, acknowledging that he was still barely with them.  He continued with his thought…**

**“ _What if I use Jack’s Manipulator combined with the little power I have put in the Tardis and mix them together with a few years of our lives…._ ”  His Tenth self-grabbed onto the idea quickly and finished the thought…” _we take that power and direct it to appear in that room.   We could use the bond with Rose like a fixed point that one of us would need to be present for!”_    The Doctor in the Tardis had become very animated, pacing around the console, head down thinking it through.  “ _It would not take you out of where you are now unfortunately, just split a few of our lives off to the side to be there to help Rose.”_   Jack had been listening to only one side of the conversation but picked up enough to ask “ _What good would an image do?”_   The Doctor in the Tardis turned to him and said “ _No, no, no…he would have physical presence but not for long.  Depends on how much of our lives, how many regenerations we give up getting the job done_.”  **

**“ _And how long is considered one regeneration for example in Earth time_?”  Jack knew that they were not talking years upon years.  **

**_“One regeneration?  That would give him about 10 minutes of your time_ ** **” and then before Jack could ask the next logical question the Doctor merely said,**

**“ _I am guessing about 4 – 5 lives moving forward.”_   Jack wished at that moment that he could do the job instead and spare his friend that kind of loss, but he knew it would be silly to even ask it.  The Doctor would want to make that sacrifice, no he would DEMAND to make it and Jack just could wish that someday he would find that kind of love that Rose and the Doctor had for each other.  **

**The Doctor in the Tardis redirects his thoughts back to his 10 th self.  “ _You should be the one to go but you know I will do it if you would rather save your energy for whatever lies ahead for you there.”_   **

**His older self-spoke with no hesitation….**

**“ _They could kill me here for all I care, as long as I get to save Rose and let her know I love her face to face it would be worth it.  But what about the lives we would be sacrificing?”_**

**_“For once I get to tell you to sit down, concentrate and shut up._ ** **” The 8 th Doctor said with a smile.  **

**“ _Yes sir, oh and…. just in case I don’t make it back, well you know…to both of you”_**

**_“Yeah, I know.”_ ** **his younger self answered with Jack adding….**

**“ _You WILL make it back.  If you don’t I am stealing Rose for myself!_ ”  **

**The Doctor looked back at him and gave him a glare that he only would risk getting once.  He threw his hands up and made sure he added that he was only kidding and then punctuated it with a salute which had both Doctors sighing but grinning at the Capt.**

**“ _Ok, attaching Jack’s Vortex Manipulator to the 24 th power manifold of my Tardis…you will probably bounce from here first and then to Rose so be prepared to feel a bit wibbly wobbly as a wise man said…or will say someday”_ his younger self grinned wide.  **

**“ _Give him hell for me too when you get there and tell Rose we will be there in about 1-2 hours after you leave just to make sure she is ok.”_    He barely got the last sentence out before the air suddenly crackled around his console and sparks began flying from under the grating where Jack’s device was attached.  He quickly threw what looked like headphones to Jack and he didn’t need to be told that this was going to be a bumpy ‘ride.’  As if on cue with that thought, a sonic wave appeared directly in front of Jack which seemed to form a tunnel leading into a totally white room.  **

**“ _Jack, don’t put your hand in the wave and don’t let the wave touch you!!”_ he had to yell at the top of his voice to be heard over the thunderous booms which seemed to be bouncing off of the walls, cracking the glass of the windows and shaking the rotor so badly that he was worried it wouldn’t be able to take the strain. **

**Then as if by magic the 10 th Doctor stepped through, looking like he had been to hell and back but more determined than either had ever seen him before.  He stood in front of them for a moment and then just shook his head to both men in thanks for all they had done before flipping the switch himself on the Tardis that opened another sound tunnel which lead to Rose’s room and the horror taking place there.  The 8th self-had heard him called the “ _Oncoming Storm_ ” and knew that it wasn’t because of this moment in time but still, he could think of no better phrase than that to describe the man standing before him with fire in his eyes.  In that single moment he had hope again for his older self’s release and his own personal future.  **

**The 10 th Doctor looked back only once at the man he used to be and then, with no more hesitation he stepped through the tunnel and back into the life of the woman that he loved. **

**As soon as he was in Rose’s bedroom the tunnel closed behind him with a loud snap.  What he saw pulled him up short.  One man was holding Jackie back as she begged them not to hurt Rose while the other two were busy finishing up tying her daughter to the bed.**

**He was full of rage.  Anger was too small a word to use to describe what he felt at that moment.  One of the men that had tied her down was holding a knife to her throat.  Even though he wanted so much to just rush in and kill them all he understood that might put Rose at risk.  He also understood a bit late that his ‘ _special_ ’ abilities such as slowing down time etc. were not at his disposal.   **

**Hearing the noise from the closing of the tunnel they all stopped and looked in his direction.   As calmly as he could without taking his eyes off the men he said “ _Rose, are you alright?_ ” when she didn’t react Jackie piped in….  **

**“ _Doctor, they've drugged her, and she won’t answer me either.  And they've already...._ ”  She began to sob, not able to finish the sentence that she knew would enrage him more.    **

**She didn't have to say anymore though.  He was more than able to fill in the blanks.**

**_“And Jackie, you ok other than the fact that you have someone with a death wish holding you back?”_ **

**_"_ ** **_That sounds like a threat, mate….”_ ** **The one holding Jackie chimed in.**

**** **_“Ya think?”_ ** **the Doctor shot back, calmly leaning against Roses’ pink dresser, arms crossed over his chest.**

**** **_“Which one of you moron’s is Jimmy?”_ **

**** **The Doctor needed to know so he could judge who to hurt the most _._**

**** **_“That would be me_ ** **,” the guy with the knife said, “ _and who the hell are you and how did you g_** **_et in here?”_ **

**The Doctor just smiled.**

**_"_ ** **_You could say I am your worst nightmare but that is so cliche even if it is true.  What I AM however is part of the family and NO ONE hurts my family. The woman you are attempting to rape with your poor excuse for a cock is my girlfriend”_ He smiled when he said this as he stared at what should have been an erect penis between the man’s legs.**

**_“So seriously, what DO you plan on doing with THAT?”_ he was pointing at it now, taunting him.**

**_"Is it normal for human males to be so…well…small?”_ **

**Jimmy almost lunged at him but then smiled and said simply,**

**_"Rose belongs to Jimmy and no one else, mate…..”_ **

**The Doctor decided to go down a different path seeing as how Jimmy wasn't going to take that bait.**

**_“And as to how I got in here it was through a sonic hole, well technically two of them which were created using a Vortex Manipulator plugged into a sonic capacitor about 4 hours into your future.  And believe it or not I am not really here…well, ok I am here but I am also ‘there.”_ ** **The Doctor thought for a moment and then added, _“well, I am mostly there even if I am here.”_**

******_“You’re a crazy dude.  Seriously ‘round the bend”_ ** **Jimmy commented, almost laughing.**

**** **_“Your right. It was magic.  Unicorns casting rainbows wherever they stepped would make more sense to you.  Actually, I remember this one planet I went to many years ago...”_ **

**The Doctor said, mocking Jimmy’s intelligence.**

**T** **ime to act, play time was over the Doctor thought to himself as he took two long strides to the man holding Jackie.  While everyone was still laughing at the Doctor’s answer he took advantage of the distraction he had caused and grabbed Jackie’s arm.  He spun her out of the man’s grip as if in a dance.  Immediately he put her behind him and quickly begged her to let him handle this.   As much as she wanted to get to Rose he admonished her to wait so she listened.**

**Now all eyes were taken off their prey and were put squarely on the intruder.**

******_(‘Wait for it, patience’_ ** **he repeated over and over in his own head _)_**

**The man who had held Jackie moved to get by him to grab her back, but the Doctor was ready for him.  He had only taken a few steps when the Doctor grabbed him by his long hair and pulled hard, exposing his neck.**

******_“Can I borrow that knife for a moment?”_ ** **he tormented the group.**

******_“No? Ok well, never mind then”_ ** **he pulled the man’s head back so taught that the muscles and veins popped up, as did his voice box.**

**_“Sorry but you won’t be doing much singing for a while”_ ** **he said to him right before his fist came down hard against the protrusion nearly breaking his windpipe in the process.  The man gasped and reached up to grab at his own throat, but the damage had already been done.  He wanted to cry out but of course that ability had been viciously taken away.  As this was going on the next man came at him leaving Jimmy holding the knife against Rose.**

******_“Oh sorry, here ya go”_ ** **the Time Lord tossed the injured man at the one heading his way and they collided so hard that both of them hit the ground in a heap.  Before he could get up the Doctor had his knee in his chest so tight that he could not breathe.  He tried to dislodge the Doctor but couldn’t move him mostly because he could not get a deep breath and was quickly panicking.**

******_“It’s easier to breathe if you are unconscious so let me help you out.”_ ** **The Doctor balled his fist and punched him square in jaw, knocking his head back against the hard floor, putting him out in one go _._**

**** **_“Doctor……”_ ** **he heard Rose calling for him and it took everything he had to not sob out an answer _._**

**** **_“Let her go”_ ** **the Doctor ordered, standing up to his full height, his body humming with energy.  He remembered all the stories Rose had told him of Jimmy’s abuse, both physical and emotional and he knew that after tonight Jimmy would never bother her again.  His internal reverie was broken when Jimmy took the knife and nicked Rose’s throat, a tiny bead of blood seeping to the surface.  Jimmy looked down and seeing it, licked it off of her.**

**** **_“Yum, she tastes so good, oh and I have tasted all of her”_ ** **there was no mistaking what he meant by his words.**

**And it was those words that got him moving. _“If you had any balls at all you would take the knife off of her and come at me with it but since I know you don’t I will have to come to you.”_**

**** **He walked over to the bed with purpose and took one look down at his naked wife to be (he hoped), concentrating on the bruises covering her body from being brutalized.  When Jimmy followed his gaze, the Doctor made his move by grabbing the wrist that held the knife and pulled it away from Rose, bending it at a painful angle.  Jimmy screamed in pain as the Doctor dragged him to the floor and then up to face him.  Backing him against the wall he railed into him…**

**_"_ ** **_You are nothing.  Do you hear me, you are no one…a zero…nothing to Rose or Jackie or society for that matter. You waste the air that you are lucky enough to breathe and the food you are privileged enough to eat. You came here tonight to terrorize the women I love and got a lot more than you bargained for namely me.”_ **

**** **He had Jimmy by the throat and lifted him up the wall until his feet left the ground.  The only sound in the room was the Doctor’s heavy breathing and the gasps from Jimmy.**

**** **_“I should kill you.”_ **

**He added a bit of pressure to Jimmy’s throat.**

**(‘ _So close, he could do it and make sure he never bothers her again_.’)  **

**But….**

**** **Jackie came behind him and put her hand on his shoulder, whispering _“Don’t”_ to him _._**

**** **_“This isn’t you Doctor.  Murder when you have no choice is one thing, but you have a choice here.  Let him rot in jail Doctor, please.  You know that is what Rose would say.”_ **

**** **He closed his eyes and just for another few seconds squeezed his throat even harder but then dropped him to the ground.**

**He got to his knees in front of him and looked him in the eye _._**

**** **_“You are one hell of a lucky guy, all of you are.  If it was my choice you would all be dead by now.  But you’d better listen and pay attention to what I am telling you because I will not say it twice: if I EVER see you or HEAR that you were even on the same street as Rose or Jackie or any of their friends I will finish what I started here tonight.”_ **

**** **Out of nowhere the Doctor appeared to double over in pain and his image wavered.  Jackie went to put her hand on his arm, but it went through like he was a ghost.  He knew what was happening though, THEY were in the cell to inflict their own brand of torture on him and it was pulling him back and away from Rose.  He grunted through the pain and looked back at Jimmy.**

**_“Do you understand me?”_ ** **Jimmy nodded his head vigorously in the affirmative and just in time because the Doctor could feel the sonic tunnel about to reopen.  He looked at Jackie and then over at a still mostly unconscious Rose.**

**** **_“Tell Rose I love her, and I will try to come home soon”_ ** **He stumbled over to the tunnel which was now vibrating and pulling at every fiber of his being.  Next thing he knew he was being held back by two of his jailors and being hit repeatedly.  Even during this, the only thing he could think about was Rose and praying to any Gods that might be listening that she was alright.**


	22. Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 8th pays a telepathic visit and tries to talk some sense into his older self. Mild trigger warning. Rape is mentioned.
> 
> Except the rumblings of an onion alert to my most passionate reader. Love you girl (and the rest of you while I am at it!) One MASSIVE HUG!!(((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

_**Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live** _  
_**Maybe one of these days you can let the light in** _  
_**Show me how big your brave is** _

**_“Brave” by Sara Barellies_ **

**Waves of sorrow so deep he felt like he was drowning in it, not able to prevent it from cascading down through him, enveloping his younger self.**

**The 8 th Doctor had just come from visiting Rose in the hospital and sat down to give his older self an update.**

**The 8 th found tears spilling onto his cheeks, struck by the magnitude of all the pain his 10the self was feeling.  He tells him how the three men were fairing and that they are all going to prison after one of them confessed to the assault.  **

**He needs to say more but is not sure if it will make his 10 th self-feel worse.  **

**He says it anyway.**

****

**_“So, what are you going to do”_ ** **he asks _, “have you just accepted your lot and going to give up or do you have a plan?”_**

**Surprisingly his older self-began to laugh in a very maniacal tone of voice, sounding every bit the madman at that moment.  It was so jarring that it scared his younger self quite a bit.**

****

**_"I don't have much opportunity to leave this cell.  I am here alone a good 20 hours of an earth day and that has been for about.... (_ ** **he hesitated and his 8th self was shocked to hear the 10th struggle to figure out how long he had been there, his time sense greatly diminished) _3 months and 18 days now."_ he paused then, trying to find the words to say what he felt to be the truth.**

****

**_"I think Rose is better off without me right now honestly"_ ** **he said with a tired sigh, _"I think I have turned a corner and really don't know what is real or not anymore."_**

**His 8 th self was thrown a curveball with that response and it took him a minute to think about his answer. **

****

**_“Those are the words of a coward, something I know we are not.  So, you are going to leave the one person you need most in this world alone to suffer without you?”_ **

**_“Do you think I like getting my arms or legs broken, do you think I want to have thoughts of her dying by my hand or just watching her die, helpless to do anything?!  She means everything to me, she is my life!”_ ** **the 10th said, getting up and pacing from one side to another.**

****

**_“Well then you'd better prove it!  She may not be getting her limbs broken or horrible thoughts, but she IS hurting, and you are the only thing that will make her better.  You need to save yourself, so you can save her!”_ ** **he stopped again, took a deep breath then said the one thing he told himself he wouldn’t….**

**_“Jimmy and his friends raped her before you got there just in case you were wondering about that.  They hurt her pretty bad.  Forced her to do other things which shall remain nameless.  I tried to soothe her and did so temporarily through a telepathic link but as you know it isn’t permanent so when it wears off she will start reliving it all over again.”_ **

**His older self was very quiet, but he could hear his breathing pick up and could feel his anger spread over him again like a pouring rain.  Both of those emotions took a back seat however to self-pity.**

**_“Are you accepting this as a punishment for the War?”_ ** **he blurted out….**

**His older self-stopped pacing.  His younger self should not know about the war, not yet.**

**_“I know what you are thinking and don’t worry about it too much.  It is not hard to figure out that there is going to be some kind of catastrophic destruction here on Gallifrey_ ** **,”  (he points to his own head) “ _Remember I am the one with the best ability to see the Time Lines over any of us and just know that war is coming.”_**

**His older self’s hands clenched into fists as if ready to battle some imaginary foe.**

**_“Then how dare you accuse me of using this as some sort of equalizer to the war!  You weren't there at the end so don't lecture me about accepting any form of torture as pay back.  You have no idea what I went through.  I am the one who destroyed everything. “_ **

****

**_“NO, YOU DIDN’T, that was our 9 th self!_ ** **"  his 8 th self-sighed, “ _the rumblings of the rest confirm my regeneration somewhere along the line of the war and fairly soon too.”_**

****

**_“Alright, but no…I am not accepting this at all.  I don’t want Rose to hurt, I love her”_ ** **he broke down in muted sobs**

**(Then quietly he said) _"They are trying to get me to regenerate.  Over and over until all of my regenerations are gone and then I will die like everyone else.”_**

**He continued _, “Can you sense what I can our 11 th self?  He will just walk away from Rose.  He doesn’t care about her.  He will just have a vague memory of a blonde-haired girl that was in his life for a time. That’s it.  No emotion behind it, no deep feelings for anyone that I cared about.  He wants to find his own way which is his prerogative.”_**

**Then he added _“But I refuse to leave her to a pair of empty eyes.  I will allow myself to die permanently first so that there will be no 11 th Doctor.”_**

**His sibling said quietly, _"If you do that then Rose will never get to meet you.  She will live a lonely and scared existence married to Jimmy who will hurt her all the time.  I can see her timeline.  And it is a short one.  I don't know how or why I just know it is the future she is damned to have.  The future that YOU create for her.  And what about the children you are saving?  What about the white wall where the Cybermen and the Daleks do battle.  You and Rose save the world together."_   The 8th Doctor does not know how he knows these things, but he does, while the 10th sits in the middle of his white room listening intently.**

**The 8 th says, _“Our next regeneration, our 11 th self just wants to be free and start his new life without the burden of commitment to anyone or anything.  But even though Rose will suffer from him not caring for her she will go on as the Rose that we love and will have grown from the experience.”_**

****

**_“So”_ ** **he pauses, contemplates whether to reveal more or not about Rose and her forever.  He decides to limit it to what makes sense to both and says, _“So this is how it plays out: if you let yourself die there, truly die then she will have a shortened life span and will only know pain and suffering at the hands of an abusive husband.  Her mom will turn to alcohol to soothe the pain of Rose’s refusal to get help.  The war will go on into eternity with more dying than you could ever imagine.  We SAVE lives by stopping the war. We stop the war….I don’t know how but I know that we do. Can you see it now?”_ His younger self is almost pleading for him to get it, to remember it the way he envisions it.  The 10 th looks up and has stopped crying, a new-found determination in his eyes.  He will not break, he will not fail, and most importantly he will not regenerate.**

**_“Somehow, someway I will come home to her.  I don’t know how long it will take but I will come home.”_ **


	23. In The Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor contemplates where to make the first incision. A handful of journal entries. The madness comes creeping.
> 
> Rated M for scenes of torture.

**_In the clearing stands a boxer_ **   
_And a fighter by his trade_   
_And he carries the reminders_   
_Of every glove that laid him down_   
_Or cut him till he cried out_   
_In his anger and his shame_   
_"I am leaving, I am leaving"_   
_But the fighter still remains_

**_“The Boxer” ~ Paul Simon_ **

**_<https://youtu.be/l3LFML_pxlY> _ **

**_(I have always loved this song and it so befits our hero.  Here is a YouTube link to just the audio)_ **

**__ **

**_ Chapter ~ In the Ring _ **

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_They came in and gave me a shot of a neural enhancer which is designed to heighten telepathy in species with low levels and not for those who rank high on the telepathy scale like a Time Lord.  I wanted to tear my skull open and just be rid of the thoughts that have invaded my mind.  I am trying Rose, really trying to believe my heart and not the things I see in my head, but I am afraid I am losing._ **

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_Oh, my love, are you alright?  I know you aren’t.  I am sorry.  You belong to ME, you are MINE.  I am sorry for being so possessive but that tends to happen when I think of even the possibility of you with anyone else.  So many have died that never deserved to that when I think of those poor excuses for men that forced themselves on you I want to go back and even out that number.  I want to take each one and throttle them until they turn blue and then I would grab Jimmy and torture the hell out of him until he would beg me to let him die._ **

**_It is the neural enhancer they gave me…. that is why I feel so angry.  I am sorry Rose, please don’t listen to an old man’s rantings.  It’s the shot.   I just can’t get the image of you and Jackie being attacked by these pieces of filth out of my head.  They are lucky they will be in prison by the time I get home.  They would need protection from me._ **

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_I swear I saw you today being brought into a cell opposite me.  One of the white walls came up so I could see you.  I cried out to you, did you hear me?  Then I saw them start to fill your cell with water.  It looked cold, you were shivering.  I could read your lips, you were saying ‘help me’ as I watched you drown.  Rose, tell me you are ok.  TELL ME!  It was so real.  The walls between what’s real and what isn’t are getting blurrier all the time.  They shut the white wall up again as they were taking your body out._ **

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_You never slept with Jack, right?  I mean he comes on so strong and I have seen him charm the pants off both women and men, so I wouldn’t blame you if you had.  I would say I would kill him but what would be the point?_ **

****

**_Rose,_ **

**_I can’t believe what Jack did to you.  What you LET him do to you!  I love you so much, but you obviously love him more.  Why didn’t you tell me?  Probably because you were afraid of what I would do to him.  You should be.  When I get back I am going to kill him over and over until he stays dead.  You can tell him that for me._ **

**__ **

**_Rose,_ **

**_I feel you inside my head.  Are you really there?  I guess this is what is called a moment of clarity.  They are pushing me so hard now, they don’t let up, don’t let me sleep or even rest.  A constant bombardment of bad thoughts.  They want to convince me that you are dead or that Jack is hurting you and much more.  But I still can see you in my head, very much alive and very much waiting for me to return to you._ **

**_What it comes down to is that if I agree to fix their ability to acquire more kids they will let up on me and possibly even free me.  They are liars and I know it._ **

****

**_Rose, both of us must face a little bit of reality.  I don’t know how to approach this, so I will just spit it out; my love I don’t think I am going to be coming home.   They are not going to let me go.  They will keep me here and keep up the torture until I breakdown.  They are nice enough to tell me when I can expect to have a limb broken or some other type of torture inflicted on me.  In about 24 hours this go around.  Well let them. I can take a lot of pain, so I say bring it on._ **

****

**_And I won’t, no matter how much they hurt me I will never agree.   Do you understand Rose, do you understand why?  I just CAN’T let them get their hands on the kids again.  So, my life is meaningless. To break down and agree to fix that system out of fear or pain is not me.  It is just not who I am.  I will go through the pain of regeneration, but I will not fix it._ **

****

**_Just in case they are ‘listening’, which I am sure they are:_ **

****

**_“I WILL NEVER FIX THE SYSTEM.  YOU CAN FRY EVERY DAMN SYNAPSE I HAVE IN MY BRAIN OR BREAK EVERY BONE, BUT I WILL NEVER FIX THE SYSTEM FOR YOU.”_ **

****

**_Just kill me already, come on.  I dare you.  I dare you to try._ **

****

**_Rose I love you, you know that right?  I wish I had gotten to hold you all night long, kiss you, make love to you until we couldn’t move anymore.  And then to do it all over again.  And you know what?  I would have even done the ‘domestic’ with you._ **

****

**_Rose…._ **

**_I am scared Rose.  No, terrified is more like it.  They filled the cell with a gas that knocked me out cold.  The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the sound of shovels and then dirt landing on top of me.  I tried to raise my arm to protect myself, but I didn’t need to.  It was landing on a box just long enough and wide enough for me.  It was a coffin Rose.  They had buried me.  I could feel the ground above me and on the sides of me pressing inward, threatening to break through the flimsy wood that surrounded me.  I am not too ashamed to say that I screamed.  I clawed at the wood above me but that just resulted in a face full of dirt.  I just kept thinking about you.  You were the only thing that kept me from taking my fingers and placing them against my own temples, giving myself a ‘die’ command.  Instead I placed myself in sort of a coma, shutting down my brain until I (hopefully) am freed from this box._ **

****

**_It has been about a week or so (pain throws off my time sense a bit) since my last communication.  I woke up back in the room, but the memory is fresh and raw.  When I close my eyes, I am back there again so I try not to sleep.  It is a torture that goes beyond anything I could ever imagine a sentient group of people inflicting on another.  I had contemplated regeneration but what good would that have done?  A new person stuck in the same box with the same terror._ **

****

**_They have kept up an onslaught of both mental and physical attacks.  They have bombarded me with images of drowning, killing you in multiple ways while in reality breaking my arm at the shoulder and elbow and I am not going to say that I didn’t cry out because I did.  But my spirit is the thing they want to break, and they have a long wait for that._ **

****

**_Then there is the knife which sits in front of me all the time.  I am doing my best not to touch it because if it truly is a Gallifreyan ceremonial dagger it…well, suffice it to say my hands touching that blade would probably mean the end of me.  Like I told you it is used for the specific purpose of ending one’s life if the native believes he is a threat to those around him.  It was considered the noble thing to do.  There is nothing that has instilled more fear into my heart than this object on the floor.  It would be so easy to just finish off what they have started.  Am I a threat to others?  Have I been pushed that far?  The blade holds the voices of all the people who have died at the hand of the one who holds it.   All the blood that has been spilled by whoever possess it.  I am terrified that if I touched it Rose…if my hand wrapped around it even for a second…._ **

****

**_The only thing that stops me is you.  Really, I would need to let you know what to expect in case I am returned to you in some way.   First, and please keep this in the forefront of your mind: the children are safe.  When you decide to mourn me remember that the kids are safe.  No more will be taken.  I wonder what our kids would have been like.  Probably would have looked just like you, beautiful hair …just gorgeous inside and out._ **

****

**_This is so important Rose, if my body is returned to you please burn it.  If anyone got hold of it and decided to study the process of regeneration it could be lethal to humans.  I know it will be tough, but you must do it._ **

****

**_My Rose, into eternity_ **


	24. Sand & Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With no more journals to go on the 8th reads an internal government document which states that the Doctor had been killed by scouts. But is there something more going on? Something that will make the 10th Doctor wish the document had been true? This chapter would be a PG but really ok. Oh and if you get a chance (or just make the time, damn it!) to click on the link and listen to the song. You'll be in tears by the end of it, really.

 

**_“I will see you in the light of a thousand suns_ **

**_I will hear you in the sound of the waves_ **

**_I will know you when I come, as we all will come,_ **

**_Through the doors, beyond the grave”_ **

****

**_"Sand and Water” by Beth Chapman_ **

**_(written about her late husband)_ **

****

**_[Please Listen, sooo beautiful](https://youtu.be/k-kvYYPYWFg) _ **

 

**_ Chapter: Sand and Water _ **

**The 8 th Doctor reaches across the table and wraps her hands in his.  He has tried and tried to bring up more communications but the monitor stays annoyingly empty.**

**" _Rose”_** **he whispers to her, _“there are no more journals.”_**

**_“No!”_ ** **She stands so quickly that the chair falls over and her tea cup is knocked off the table.**

 **_“Please Doctor there has to be something more from him.”_ ** **She cries out, as if as if the pleading for it will somehow make it true.**

**He sighs and looks deep into her eyes and she can see her Doctor there. _“Rose,”_ he says, _“There was only one thing and it is from an internal government news release which you have to understand might just be political propaganda.  It says that...._**

**_"TheEnemy of Pradus 3, the War Criminal Time Lord known only as ‘The Doctor' was brought to justice today by one stab wound to each of his hearts killing him instantly with no chance of the regeneration that his species is known for.  This occurred after the relentless pursuit by our great scouts through the woods north of the town of Mantese.  There will be a festival to honor our great army after two revolutions of our sun in the town itself where the body will also be on display.  Our most honored King and Queen along with the rest of the Royal Family will be on hand to give their blessings to the festival and our thanks to the scouts who have successfully destroyed the last of his vile kind."_ **

****

**_“I’m sorry Rose but that is all I can see.”_ ** **The 8th Doctor looked down at the ground and when he looked up Rose had tears in her eyes.**

**_“We all believed he could do it and he did.”_ **

**_“And you should be so very proud of him.”_ **

**_“I am proud of him.”_ ** **Rose said through her tears, that goes without saying _.  “We may never have completed the bond the way he described it, but I still see him as my bond mate and he always will be.”_  she paused, wondering how to ask the next question.  _"Doctor....wouldn't you have known if something did...I mean, if he had been...if he 'was gone'?"_**

**The 8 th Doctor thought for a moment and then tried to reach out his mind to check on the 10th time lines.  Some had darkened yet some were shining in a brilliant gold.**

**** **_“The first answer that comes to mind is that he put up his mental shields right before his life was taken, probably to spare you and me as well any psychic pain”_ **

**_"_ ** **_But you don’t believe that, do you?  I can feel it, you are not convinced of that, are you?”_ ** **Rose stood hopeful.  She reached out and he raised his eyes to meet hers.**

**“ _Actually, no.  It doesn’t make sense.”_ The Doctor began to pace around the room, so much like HER Doctor.   _“Shield or no shield, I should have felt a ripple…. a type of echo or at least an abrupt emptiness in my mind if he was suddenly gone."_ Suddenly he stopped his pacing, his face turning pale. **

**_"No, no he is there just...I am not sure how to put it.”_ **

**** **_“My best guess?”_ ** **he looked at Rose and she nodded her head.** _**“My best guess is that suddenly whatever he is experiencing is too much for even him to bear.  He has crossed a line and does not want anyone to see or feel what he has done.  It is beyond shame or embarrassment.  It is more like revulsion.”** _

**** **_“Why do I get the feeling that your ‘guesses’ Doc, are a bit more than just that?”_ ** **Jack was leaning on the back of the settee, eyeing him up and down.**

 **_"You’re right Jack,”_ ** **he said with his eyes closed and his head hung, _“whatever is going on is a make or break moment for him.  It ‘feels’ like there is another line in the sand and he has to cross it to be really free.  He is just worried he can’t.  He has taken a step in the wrong direction and now he almost feels like everything is hopeless.”_**

 **He looked up and watched Rose take it a** **ll in.  Suddenly she took a step back, and gasped.  Her eyes were wide and her mouth opened in a look of shock.**

**_“There is a girl there with him and…oh my God no!  Doctor NO!  She is NOT me!”_ **


	25. Doctor Heal Thy Self

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But it was older than Time Lords as the memory sprung up from his reading of the long-forgotten texts that had set his feet upon the path that lead him exactly where he was at that very moment. He wondered if he had known how his end would come would he have shut the book and not read on?"
> 
> Oh this becomes very dark. Contemplation of suicide and dipping one's toes into madness in the Interlude. You can read up to the Interlude safely but from here on out there really won't be another fluffy bunny chapters until near the end. I loved writing these chapters and I know how sick that sounds but after 4 months or so of repeated torture how long can any person go without losing it (or the writer without writing about it?) 
> 
> The train goes off the rails a bit until the thunder of the oncoming storm rights it again. Sigh....love it!

**_ Chapter ~ Doctor Heal Thy Self _ **

****

**_T_ he 8th Doctor reaches out his hand to her.  _“You can see it too?”_ he is shocked and a bit in awe of her as she sobbed and nodded her head.  Oh, that poor girl there with him now, she thought  The innocence lost.  Rose was beside herself with sorrow and paralyzed by grief.  The 8th Doctor didn’t know whether to feel anger or sympathy for his older ‘brother’. **

****

**_“I think I need to make a trip to Pradus 3, I have been putting it off long enough”_ ** **he said rather forcefully, suddenly becoming very animated as he headed for the door to his Tardis.**

****

**_“You mean ‘WE’ have to, you have to let me come”_ ** **her determined voice broke through his internal reverie.  Rose had her hand on his shoulder. _“Doctor, this time you cannot leave me behind.  Please one way or another I have to know.”_**

****

**_“Umm…that also means US, Doc”_ ** **both Jack and Jackie were raising their hands**

****

**_“My Tardis is NOT an airplane where you can just hop on whenever you’d like!”_ ** **The Doctor grumbled.  But then he saw the hopeful faces with only concern for his older self in their eyes so how could he deny them?**

**(He sighed) …. “ _alright, alright_ ” he said looking at each one in turn _“but no leaving the Tardis and you do as I say!”_**

**Their eyes lit up and they all nodded, with Jack adding a heartfelt salute.**

**_“I am absolutely insane.  Well, what are you all waiting for?”_ ** **he gestured to them as he opened the door to his Tardis and ushered them inside. _“Allons-y!”_**

**__ **

**_ Interlude: The First Cut Is The Deepest _ **

**__ **

**He sits on the white floor with the white walls in his white prisoner clothes, thinking dark thoughts.  He feels lost and if he were to admit it, frightened.  He was scaring himself.  In front of him is that  white handled knife lying on a white plate and he understood its purpose.   But what he was feeling the most was anger.  Yes, definitely anger.  He has seen things through Rose’s eye’s that have come close to pushing him over the edge into madness.**

**Except he doesn’t see himself that way.  In his mind this is not the first stage of crazy but the last stage of sanity.  He has seen Rose, HIS Rose sleeping around while he is there risking his life for children that aren’t even his, most that he will never know.**

**At least he _thinks_ she has.  He cannot be sure of anything anymore.  Except the plate on the floor with the dagger lying on it.  He bends to look at it from all angels finally taking it in his hand to feel its weight and it is solid and an excellent specimen but then he drops it back down to the floor when he realizes that it really is from Gallifrey.  So many artifacts spread across so many galaxies it is not unthinkable to find one here on this strip of hated real estate in the sky.  **

**He picks it up again and yes, there it is…the sound of the dying embedded in it along with the cries of those souls who would never know life at all because of the war.  Only someone else from Gallifrey  would be able to feel the vibrations it made and only a Time Lord would be able to hear the death knells of the millions calling out.  He could join them.  He could free them and in doing so would free himself from the prison surrounding his hearts.  These four walls were one thing, but they were like an open field compared to the chains binding his hearts to so many deaths.  It would be so easy to do.  And such a noble way of doing so.  He took the handle in his hands again and spoke quietly over it as if trying to soothe the blade itself.  It was an old prayer, if you could call it that from a world where the people didn’t believe in such things.  But they never went back far enough in their own history, stuck in their single-minded belief that they should be worshiped, and the prayers given up to them.  But it was older than Time Lords as the memory sprung up from his reading of the long-forgotten texts that had set his feet upon the path that lead him exactly where he was at that very moment.  He wondered if he had known how his end would come would he have shut the book and not read on?**

**He would have died there, that was good.**

**But then children would become slaves, Daleks and Time Lords would be Gods, and Rose would never get to find out how special she is.**

**Even as his thoughts danced over these facts weighing the good and the bad in his mind, the dagger itself called out to him to pick up the powerful weapon and grip the handle.  As if in a trance his left hand pulled open the standard prison wear white shirt one button at a time until his chest was exposed.  He stood outside himself and watched as he raised it, blade aimed between his hearts, head bowed and kneeling, breathing slowed and shallow, eyes closed.**

**Unafraid.**

**Strong.**

**Ready to have his sins washed away in the river of _Nevala_ and his voice added to the blade. He took one deep breath, exhaled as his left hand reached up to steady its twin, another deep breath in and….**


	26. A Case of Mistaken Infidelity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HUGE M WARNING!! This chapter deals with rape and if this is a trigger for you DO NOT READ! It was hard to write as I really felt for the characters; why they did what they did and how horrible they felt afterwards. I love it when chapters seem to write themselves and that is how this one came out, along with more down the line. Thank you again to those who have stuck with me!!

 

**_ Chapter ~ A Case of Mistaken Infidelity _ **

**Stopped.**

**He will not allow a dagger to dictate when the ending of his life would be.  It can wait for him.  He is the master of the blade and not the other way around.**

**So, with that in mind he could not believe his eyes when his cell door slid open and Rose was pushed inside.  He was so shocked that he didn’t even make a run for the door to try to get out.   All she was wearing was what he assumed to be the standard female cell garb which consisted of a white bra and white pants that tied around her waist.  They were very thin and therefore very see-through which left almost nothing to the imagination.   What he found ironic was the fact that white is supposed to signify purity in Earth culture and she was anything but pure.  And she was getting less and less pure as the days ran on by his calculations.**

**At first, she looked at him hopefully but then when he didn’t move, she cowered in the corner.  In his mind’s eye he could see her on her bed back in the Tardis, wearing only that black t-shirt, cowering in the corner like now.  He probably looked just as hungry as he did then as well.**

**Suddenly the wall slides upward revealing three guards, all in white as well.  They walked in and approached him warily because they know what he is capable of.  Obviously, his reputation precedes him.  They do not know that he has slipped out of the handcuffs by dislocating his own wrists.  He smiles at them and prepares to attack but the lack of any substantial food has made his reactions too slow.  He feels foolish, old and probably the worst... he feels weak. They wrestle with him until he is face down on to the floor but surprisingly they do not put the handcuffs back on.**

**In fact, they begin to laugh when they see that he did not have them on to begin with.    When they turn him back over he reaches up with his hand and presses it long enough to one of the guard’s temples to kill him on the spot.  It doesn’t work, probably because once again he is too weak to break through the wall the guard has in place.  He just smiles at the captive Time Lord, nods his head in the direction of the female telling him to ‘have fun’ and walks out with his fellow guards, closing the wall behind him.**

**So, there they were, the Time Lord and his Rose, no…wrong.  EVERYONE’S Rose in the same room but not together by a long shot.  Her affairs are banging around in his mind like a ping-pong ball, from one man to another with each successive image more disgusting than the last and angering him more and more as the pictures flip through his head forming a painful photo album that he can’t help but revisit.**

**_“How did you get here?”_ ** **he spits out, staring her down from the other side of the cell.**

**She is crying and does not answer.  So, he just hits her with his allegations.**

**_“And what about Jack? Or Jimmy?  Or Mickey?”  Did you bring them with you, so you wouldn’t get ‘lonely’?”_ **

**He says it like he sees her finally for who she is, a woman who can’t go without the physical side of a relationship for too long.**

**_“Then again, you were already sleeping with my 8 th self so maybe you wouldn’t need them around right now.  How is he, Rose?  Does he satisfy you the way I could?  Does he make you cry out in pleasure?”_ **

**Rose turns her face to the wall, afraid to face him and the allegations he is tossing in her face.**

**_“Answer me!”_ ** **But all she does is cower.**

**He stands and moves over to her until she can feel his breath against her ear.**

**_“Was he gentle?”_ ** **he runs his fingers lightly up her arm until he reaches her shoulder.  Then he wraps his other arm around her waist and pulls her roughly back until she is flush against him.  He presses her into the wall, his hand snaking around them until his fingers were slipping under the waist band of her pants.  He expected to feel how wet he had made her, but she wasn’t aroused at all.**

**_“So, everyone else except the one you claim to love for eternity can arouse you?”_ ** **he holds her tighter to him as she struggles.   Her movements excite him more; her wiggling has her rutting against him and it has been so long for him now, and he has wanted her so badly that he feels it…. even through his disgust he needs to be inside of her.  He takes 3 of his long fingers and press them into her roughly, causing her to cry out against his onslaught.  He removes them and brings his fingers momentarily to his mouth and tastes her, swirling his tongue over them and then quickly pushing them back inside of her.  The repeats the maneuver until he feels she is sufficiently wet enough.**

**In the heat of blind lust, he pulls her pants down while she is still struggling and pulls his own down as well.  Strokes his hardness once and then twice…. bends her over and roughly enters her as far as he can until they are skin to skin.  He growls in to her ear,**

**_“How does that feel?”_ ** **he thrusts fast and hard against her with his arm around her waist, holding her in place.  It doesn’t take him long before his pounding becomes erratic and his words become more and more cruel, calling her every name he can think of in more than one language, just not Gallifreyan because he does not want to taint his native tongue with such hateful phrases.  His movements stutter and then stop, flush against here, pushing as deeply as he can he feeds his essence deep into her body.**

**With the fingers of his left hand he finds her temple and moves inside her mind to take what he most craves; her deeper emotions, the images of himself and all her other lovers she has been with since his departure.**

**What he finds is nothing.  Nothing that belongs to him.  Nothing between them at all.**

**At that moment it is like his second sight opens and he spins her around to see her terrified, tear stained face and now understands the truth.  This is not Rose.  This is another woman from, what looks like the planet Arano located in the same star system as Pradus 3.  His mind runs through what he knows of her people.  They are all mute until they reach the _“age of understanding,”_ which happens in their late 20’s.  So THAT is why she never answered him.  Arano.  What gives her identity away, now that he has taken the time to look is the marks on the inside of both wrists and the bottom of the back of her neck that all peoples from her world are born with.  It showed that she is a virgin.  Or was.  The marks fade almost immediately after she has sex for the first time.  And sure enough, they appeared to be fading while he holds her hands in his.  Her eyes were sorrowful, probably thinking words that she cannot speak yet.**

**So, he does it for her.  He pours every negative emotion a person could possibly feel about themselves into his very soul at the speed of a bullet and thinks….**

**_Monster…._ **

**_Animal…._ **

**_Rapist…._ **

**He staggered away from her.  His eyes wide, his breath coming in short bursts.  What had he done?  He had stolen something precious from her that cannot be returned.  He cannot fix this no matter what he says or does.  The last of the Time Lords, who can do almost anything cannot fix this.**

**He is no better than Jimmy or his friends.  He is now a card carrying member of their club.  He can see from their point of view and he feels there is nothing worse than this.  More disgusting than this.  He wants to pick up the knife and let it end his pitiful, meaningless existence.**

**And then just as suddenly the big picture comes into rapid focus, all the parts of the puzzle lock and he can see what he had missed all along.**

**Rose has not cheated on him.  She is still his and all these horrible images of her infidelity had been planted in his mind.  He will make them pay for it all.  Oh, he will make them pay.**

**He watches her sob silently against the wall, sliding down it until she is wrapped in a ball, hugging her legs to herself on the floor.  She is rocking back and forth, inconsolable, least of all by him.  The man who stole her virginity.  Stole what every man on her world looks for in a mate, the marks to prove she is clean.   She will forever be considered used and less than an animal to anyone else on Arano.  And it is all because of him.   He has sealed her fate that she will never be able to live on her home planet ever again.  They would consider her dirty and nothing better than a common street whore.**

**_"I promise you I will find you a place where you can live happily." h_ ** **e all but whispers**

**_**The sadness in her eyes tell him it is not enough but it will have to do.** _ **

 


	27. Chapter ~ The Dance of Vengeance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He held him there for moment as they eyed each other, brute force against fire-forged strength. The Doctor saw the images of Rose and what happened to her while he was gone, heard the children brutalized and crying for just a little bit of affection, felt the anguish of people scattered in time and space that he was supposed to be there to help but couldn’t. How many have died? How many have suffered because of his incarceration by the man in front of him and others like him?"
> 
> One word. Revenge. Rated a strong R for mentions of violence. Thanks again faithful followers!

**_“The hall is rented, the orchestra engaged.  It’s now time to see if you can dance.” Q to Capt. Picard_ **

 

**Five months, 20 hours, 46 minutes and 20 seconds in hell.**

**Five months, 20 hours, 46 minutes and 20 seconds since he has seen the outside of this cell.**

**He needed to watch a sunset…. ANY sunset. Something that had been denied to him that whole time.  And the moon, and the stars…. oh, so much he needed to see again.  A Time Lord with no ability to look up at the sky is the most pitiful creature.**

**And what about the girl?  How long had she been stuck in this place?  Well now there is something he can do; he can get them both out of here and breathe some real air for once.  He vowed to protect her and to see her to safety.  He has already broken any number of vows where Rose was concerned, he would not break the ones he has made to this girl.  Rose would expect no less of him.**

**He can hear noises coming from the speakers in the cell.   His jailors are laughing, enjoying the show.**

**It is at that very moment that he makes the decision to escape and damn anyone who got in his way.**

**He turned to face the camera then and gave them his most formidable ‘oncoming storm’ look and said in all the seriousness,**

**_“When I get free, which I will by the way, I will find you and torture you until you beg for death”_ **

**There was a bit of grumbling over the speaker and he caught bits and pieces like 'have to restrain him more,' followed by 'bring in another guard or two with you.  I have a feeling' we are going to have us a brawl. (laughter from the rest) But I want at him first.  I owe him one.,' and then the statement that chilled him the most, 'grab the girl and bring her to the surgery room.  Let the doctor know she will be ready for the extraction.'**

**They planned on taking her into surgery?  What for?  What could they want?  A kernel of a thought began to rise up in his mind.**

**** **_"It would have to have something to do with me,"_ ** **he thought. _"What could they possibly want.... what could they.... oh no."_ **

**The most likely answer to that question fell into place.  He had heard they wanted to build a Warrior race.  What better way to do that then to take his DNA and fiddle with it in a lab until they can make new Time Lords.  And the best way to get that specific DNA?  To pull his very essence out of the girl and then find some other young girls, probably prisoners like himself to impregnate.**

**The girl comes up behind him and puts her hand on his shoulder.  He looks at her, immediately softening his expression and she just shakes her head no.  She gestures to the speakers and again, shakes her head no.   It is not that hard to understand that she does not want him to take out his wrath on them.  He looks at her with wonder then begging her to forgive him, explaining the best he can what was going on in his mind to drive him to do what he did.**

**Then he hears the same voices outside his cell and his determination is renewed to take out at least one.  He understood the consequences if he accomplished it.  If they pushed him too far and they would not let the girl go, then he would take a life and be happy to do it.  Punishment would mean a death sentence for him.  At least the prisoner gets the choice of how he wants to go.  Last he checked, on the menu it was death by hanging or firing squad or gutted through with a sabre or two.  Something to contemplate for sure.**

**The door slid open with a ' _whoosh'_ just enough to let 3 of them in and then closed tight behind them.  **

**Only three.**

**He has taken out more than that before, but he also knows that he is weak, and his reaction time would be slow.  He puts himself between them and the girl who is trembling against the wall behind him.**

**He notices the smirks on their faces.  They were so sure of themselves there was nothing he wanted more than to wipe those grins right off.  There was something about one of them however….** **something familiar.**

**"Hello again Doctor, haven't seen you in a while.  My arm healed up pretty nicely as you will find out in just a moment."**

**The Doctor was pulled up short, this was the man whose arm he broke on that vessel.**

**_"You!  Of all the scum on that ship it was YOU who survived the explosion huh? And I see you are still not brave enough to face me alone.  Brought your girlfriends with you as back up._ ** **(The Doctor stopped, looking from one jailor to the next.) _Still the coward.  Tell me how many people you left behind while you saved yourself back on the ship"_ **

**He watched as a vein pulsed tighter and tighter in the man’s neck the angrier he got.  The Doctor wanted him to be so angry that he lost his self-control.  Losing self-control means he will make mistakes and the more mistakes he makes the easier he will be to take down.  But in the war of words the enemy had a comeback;**

**_"About as many as you saved on Gallifrey"_ **

**The man laughed, knowing that he struck a nerve.**

**The Doctor almost took the bait.  His breathing and heart rate increased until he was almost panting as he saw his family and friends lying dead on the streets after the destruction of his home world.  Something he was responsible for.**

**_‘Stay in the here and now’_ ** **he admonished himself.  Then with a renewed sense of purpose he whispered in his own head once more,**

**_‘You can do this, there are only 3’_ **

**Turning back, he saw the young girl trembling, plastered against the far wall.  He felt a renewed sense of power and strength; he was always at his best when he was protecting someone other than himself.  He knew that this was it, either he would escape today or take that knife and bring his suffering to an end.  In death he can free Rose.  He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if it took forever she would wait for him and he would have none of that.**

**No, she deserved to move forward and have that special relationship with someone else.  If he can’t be there, then he would gladly give his blessings to any love she might find elsewhere.**

**He walked up to his enemies with the same fire that burned Galiffrey down still alive in his eyes.  Standing toe to toe with the leader of the bunch, he folded his arms across his chest and quietly said....**

**_"Consider this: I took down your vessel without blinking an eye and faced down the Daleks, not to mention Cybermen and my own corrupt people plus other assorted creatures bent on destruction and have done so for over 1000 years and am still here in front of you.  Now you and your pathetic pair of normal men have the blind stupidity to challenge me?"_ **

****

**He could feel the shift in the air go from confidence to uncertainty as the men looked at each other, unsure of their next move.**

**Not waiting for an answer, he continued,**

**_"Tell me, when you woke up this morning and got out of your nice soft beds to stuff your faces with breakfast and maybe have too quick of a shag with your chosen whore did you think that you were going to die today?"_ **

****

**_"So, I ask you now?’_ ** **The Doctor said, directing his question to the ring leader of the bunch _"Are you going to get your fan club there to try to hold me while you attempt to kick my ass or do you fight me man to man?  I'll even let you take the first shot."_**

****

**_"I am here to make you regenerate Doc, I want to see you in flames by the time I am done with you”_ **

****

**The Doctor only smirked and then with all the seriousness that had been building for what felt like forever he leaned forward until he could feel the disgusting breath of the man on his face and said,**

**_“At least that is an ability I possess, although I won’t need to.  You however cannot, and it will be my extreme pleasure to watch all the life drain from your body, second by agonizing second.”_ **

**There was a pause while the man took that in.**

**_“Now, give it your best shot.  Come on, hit me already”_ **

**Without stepping back from the Doctor or taking his eyes off him he commanded the other two….**

**_"Grab the girl and get her out of here”_ ** **then he smiled at the Doctor,**

**_"You're gonna be a daddy so I guess congratulations are in order"_ ** **he chuckled, obviously pleased with himself.**

**But the Doctor laughed loudly and told him a flat out lie.**

**_“Oh, your geneticists are going to have a field day with this one.  You see, I am infertile.  If you had done your homework you would have read that Time Lords are bred in what are called ‘Looms.’  We did away with the nasty business of procreation the old-fashioned way eons before the great War.”_ **

**  
_“This does not mean that we don’t have desires and urges like the next guy.  We are just shooting blanks as they say.  No sperm; nada, zilch, none.”_**

**The man’s face dropped at the prospect of failing at the task.  He knew if he did his boss would have him drawn and quartered.**

**  
_“So you see, you’ve lost before you even attempted to throw that first useless punch.  I don’t think the one who has you on a leash is gonna be very pleased with you, now will he?”_**

**The loss of the potential of creating a new race of strong and powerful Time Lords fighting for Pradus 3 and winning nearly every battle was the last straw.**

**He looked over at his two scouts, his face red with anger, his voice dripping hate.**

**  
_“Take the girl to the surgeon anyway.  I am sure there are parts of her we can harvest for future use….”_**

**  
The Doctor moved himself away from his adversary and stood in front of the girl.  He turned back to her and whispered, _“No matter how much you want to run, don’t.  This shouldn’t take long.  We leave together.”_**

**Then he added, _“I am sorry you have to see this, really I am”_**

**The Doctor stood there as a barrier between good and evil as always, wordlessly daring them to try to pass.**

**  
_"No”_ he said _, “you will not be taking her anywhere”_ **

**His main adversary turned to the Doctor and smiled.   Without warning and thinking the Time Lord was distracted enough he pulled back and swung at the him blindly.  He knew he could not miss, he was standing too close to miss.  But he didn't consider that the Doctor, being a Lord of Time could move faster than most beings he had ever met, and the natives there were no different.  So, when his fist was mere inches from the Doctors face he lifted his own hand, catching the fist in mid swing.  He held him there for moment as they eyed each other, brute force against fire-forged strength.  The Doctor saw the images of Rose and what happened to her while he was gone, heard the children brutalized and crying for just a little bit of affection, felt the anguish of people scattered in time and space that he was supposed to be there to help but couldn’t.  How many have died?  How many have suffered because of his incarceration by the man in front of him and others like him?**

**_He would not lose._ **

**_He would not fail._ **

**_He was going home to Rose no matter what._ **

****

**_It ends here_ ** **.**

 


	28. Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Academy training is remembered and welcomed. Another chapter that pretty much wrote itself, it is short but sinfully good! An M rating for violence.

**The Doctor took all of this and more and used it to gain the upper hand.  In his mind’s eye he had built an impenetrable wall that the fist of the other could not get through.  Then his own simmering rage built to a critical level and he began to push back.**

**Cursing, he tried to dislodge himself from the Doctor's grip but found he was totally immobilized.  He broke out in a sweat from the effort while the Doctor just grinned at him.  Then, with the same ease the man’s arm was moved up across his body until it was pressing against his own throat.   In a panic he tried to back away from the Doctor, getting as far as the wall where the exit was found until he could go no further.  Now the Doctor merely had to use the immovable object of the wall to help in sealing the man’s wind pipe closed.  He did not let up, even when his face began to turn a deep shade of red.**

**He spoke to his victim who was struggling to breathe,**

**" _I learned this little trick at the academy. Never thought I would have the opportunity to use it though_."**

**There was a sudden silence behind him, the sounds of the other two in the room dragging the girl towards the door stopped cold.  He knew that meant that they were trying to sneak up on him to free their boss.**

**Without looking back, he said…**

**_“Gentlemen, and I use that term very lightly, if I may direct your vision downward you will see that there is something you have missed.”_ **

**The men warily did as they were told and scanned the floor, all the while keeping one eye on the rapidly fading victim caught in the Doctors grip.**

**_“Take your time, your friend here isn’t going anywhere”_ **

**When the scouts looked like they were totally confused, the Doctor sighed impatiently.**

**_“Give up?  Maybe you can help them out a bit….”_ **

****

**He released the man who fell to the floor gasping and sputtering, just trying to breathe.  The Doctor walked to the girl who was again, hugging the wall and trying to be brave.  He watched the scene play out in front of him, having already calculated the outcome.**

**The gasping man could only point to the floor at their feet unable to convey the warning he most desperately needed to.   He knew what the Doctor meant and was almost appalled, even as he struggled to breathe that the 2 scouts couldn’t figure it out.  The other thing he knew was that in just a moment it would be only the hated Time Lord and himself left in the room.**

**The scouts looked to where he was gesturing and all they could see was a white plate on a white floor.**

**A very empty white plate.**

**The knife.  The knife was gone.**


	29. The Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Take this and try to kill me Karak. I dare you. No, wait I ORDER you to take this knife and come at me with it. See if you can beat me in hand to hand combat, let’s just see if your Pradus 3 training was better than mine. Come on take the damn knife!”
> 
> Just a friendly chat between enemies. This one is kind of long but so gratifying (for me anyway!) I hope you are still reading. A lot happens here and a lot is revealed. Thanks again to all and keep the kudo's coming if you feel they are warranted :-)

 

**_As the edge of midnight falls_ **

**_The warrior stands alone_ **

**_Visions of the fighting past_ **

**_A thousands tales are told_ **

**_Im_** ** _mortal…._ ** **** **_“_ **

 

**_Warriors” ~ Savatage_ **

**_ Chapter ~ The Interrogation _ **

**Their collective last thought was that he must have grabbed the knife before they ever came into the room.**

**The Doctor was as swift and precise as he could be to lessen the pain, slitting their throats before they could even cry out.**

**He looked back over at his nemesis and made his way towards him slowly, like he had all the time in the world, which of course he did.  He sat in front of the cowering man, cleaning the blood from the knife on his shirt.  Just two more voices added to the over-crowded blade.**

**_“Please…. don’t…. kill me” the_ ** **man managed to squeak out, still trying to recover from oxygen deprivation.**

**The Doctor eyed him.  Visions of his own training back at the Academy came barreling through unbidden.  And he thought it was all behind him but now he knew that it never would be.  And for the first time in a long time he was alright with that.  In fact, right now he was grateful for it.**

****

**_“Oh no, no, no basic rule, a Warrior never begs for his life, or don’t they teach you that here?”_ ** **he said in all seriousness.**

**_“What is your name soldier?”_ ** **the Doctor asked him, not expecting an answer to his earlier question.**

**_“Karak.  My name is Karak”_ ** **he replied, still trying to back away from the Doctor but there was no place to go.**

**_“Karak.  A strong name.  And Karak, do you have any children?  A wife?”_ ** **again the Doctor asked these questions in a very relaxed manner.**

**The man did not know why he was being interrogated, but he felt that he had no choice but to reply.**

**_“I had 3 sons and a wife”_ ** **he said**

**_“Had?”_ ** **The Doctor couldn’t help but ask _“what happened?”_   Karak sat up and, leaning towards the Doctor said _“one was murdered very recently.  In fact, that is him over there.”_   **

**He nodded towards one of the boys that the Doctor had just taken the life of.**

**Karak sat back and smiled at the Doctor who was a little dumbfounded by Karak’s reaction.**

**_“And this means nothing to you?”_ **

****

**The Doctor couldn’t help but be a little shocked. Alright more than just a little shocked.**

**Karak sat back against the wall just staring at the Time Lord,**

**_“If he could not protect himself correctly, to the point where he had a lapse in focus and therefore was not fit to assume his role as a guard in the palace, then he deserved to pay the price.”_ **

**The Doctor just couldn’t believe that this man was sitting there while his son was lying dead in front of him and he was smirking.  The Doctor said to him “ _are you seriously telling me that you feel nothing looking down at your dead son?  NOTHING??_ ”  Karak did not hesitate, “ _If anything I am ashamed and embarrassed that I raised a fool and not someone with the common sense to see that the knife was missing.”_   **

**Alright so this is the type of man he was, emotionless killing machine.Or rather emotionless _“I am going to tell others to kill for me because I don’t want to get my hands dirty”_ type _._ He knew his kind all too well.**

**_“Have you taught your boys to kill yet?  How to torture others?_ ** **The Doctor switched gears again.**

**_What does your wife think about your… umm… chosen profession?”_ **

****

**Karak could hear the venom in his voice even if he was acting very calm.  Just a friendly conversation between enemies.**

**“ _No._ ” he told him _“my children are destined to work in the palace as guards.  They receive different training than others their age.  And as for my wife she does not know what I do, and it is none of her business_ ” clearly that struck a nerve with the Doctor.**

**_“But Karak, you think it is alright for other children to learn how to murder or torture their victims so why not yours, hmm?  You never know when that sort of training might be needed by ‘palace guards.’  What makes yours so special?   I mean, they are the sons of a Warrior and others their age are being ‘recruited’_ ** **….  the Doctor felt a wave of disgust even saying it that way.**

**_“Are your children weak or deformed in some way and unable to fight?  Are they not strong enough?  Being the children of the great Karak must make for pretty high expectations, correct?  Do they get bullied at school and don’t fight back?  What makes them so special Karak, if they can’t fight what good are they?”_ **

****

**Karak did not answer, just sat mute.**

**_“So, then they would be, what…disowned?  Traded in for better one’s?  Slaughtered?”_ ** **The Doctor looked him straight in the eye, _“put in a cell until they go mad?”_ he waited for the answer but Karak just looked away.   **

**“ _Maybe they want to be healers or heads of state themselves or just plain ‘do-gooders’, what would happen to them then Karak?”_**

**His enemy turned back and stared at him as if he was a fool or worse.**

**_“There are no ‘do-gooders’ as you would call them in our family.  Our name stretches back as far as anyone can follow and all served the monarchy by protecting them and our way of life.  All were peace keepers.”_ ** **Karak said with what sounded like pride.**

**The Doctor couldn’t help but issue a loud and jarring laugh and then said….**

**_“Is that what you call what you do, ‘keeping the peace’?  Tell me how I was disrupting the peace Karak?”_ **

****

**_“You threatened our social order, our ability to defend our world against any who might decide to do us harm.”_ ** **The man stared back at him with the same intensity.**

****

**_“I WAS SAVING CHILDREN!  CHILDREN THAT WERE NOT EVEN FROM HERE!!  WERE THEY ASKED WHETHER OR NOT THEY WANTED TO BE RECRUITED INTO YOUR LITTLE ARMY TO DEFEND YOUR CORRUPT GOVERNMENT?!”_ **

****

**The Time Lord had snapped and was in his face now, screaming at him as if that would make him see how wrong and outrageous the whole thing was.  He took a few deep steadying breaths, sat back down and continued his grilling.**

**_“I had asked you a question Karak, what happens to the ‘weak’ children?”_ **

**He grabbed the man by the collar and made him face him.  Memories of not being able to breathe flooded back to Karak who now stuttered and whimpered under the Time Lords gaze.**

****

**_“Another basic rule NEVER break eye contact with your enemy.  Now answer. The weak children…. what happens to them?”_ **

****

**_“We…. we leave them in a forest to fend for themselves.”_ ** **He blurted out, “ _but there is plenty of food and water there …._ ” he rushed to add.**

**_“The Lost Forest”_ ** **the Doctor said calmly _, “I know all about it. Tucked away in the mountains where it gets below freezing at night and scorches the land during the day.  Rescuing them will be at the top of my list when I get back to my ship.  You would be surprised how many barren couples are out there who would welcome these children with open arms and give them the one thing they need the most.  Love.”_**

**Karak just shook his head as if the Time Lord’s proposed efforts were going to be a waste of time.**

****

**_“What is your rank soldier?”_ ** **the Time Lord asked, noticing the different patches and medals on the Pradus 3’s uniform.**

****

**_“I am the sub-division general of the 1 st army” _ ** **The pride in his voice unmistakable.**

 **_“And what was YOUR rank in the Time War, Doctor?_ ** **”  Karak, now fully recovered sat smugly with his arms folded across his chest.  The Doctor let him get as relaxed as he wanted.**

****

**_“Fair enough,”_ ** **the Doctor responded, _“Well, rank is not something we just give up correct?  You will always be addressed as general so saying ‘what WAS my rank in the Time War is insinuating that is not my designation now.  In any case, if you were able to dig up my records you would see ‘Warrior” stamped all over it.  That would be about 2 ranks above General on my world.  However,”_ he paused, wondering how much he should or shouldn’t reveal about himself. He continued, “ _if you were able to open up the sealed records which were time locked and guarded by men and women located on 5 different moons in 5 different universes at 5 different points in time who had no knowledge of each other’s identity you would find a very different stamp on those documents._ ”  **

**_“But what if one of them was captured and forced to hand over the document?”_ ** **The Doctor could practically see the wheels turning in Karak’s mind.  Oh, what a prize that would be if he could get that information.**

****

**_“Karak, I can see your confusion.  First of all, an individual would need ALL 5 documents to read the rank and the name on the documents is not Doctor.  Doctor is a promise, a title that only a Time Lord can choose.  It means ‘never cruel or cowardly.’  The name on the documents is my real name and no amount of torture would ever make that slip past these lips.  THAT is something that dies with me._ ** **”**

**The Doctor stopped there and turned to the girl to check on her.  She seemed nervous, but he nodded at her and she calmed down.  Her eyes shifted towards Karak as if trying to tell him something, but he said to her.**

****

**_“Oh, don’t worry, I know he is trying to see where I put the knife or catch me off guard.  But even he wouldn’t try anything that stupid ….”_ ** **He turned back to the solider, _“…. now would you Karak?”_**

**The general, who had indeed been trying to figure out a way to get out in one piece sat back again, leaning on the wall with a smile of innocence on his face.**

**_“Is that what this medal signifies?”_ ** **The Doctor asked as he touched one patch sewn on Karak’s uniform.  Karak nodded yes and then watched as the Time Lord grabbed it and ripped it off his chest.**

**“ _Judging by what I have seen so far, you have not earned the rank.”_ **

**Seeming to have lost his fear of the Doctor and the knife he held he said….**

****

**_“I earned that patch in the War between ourselves and the savages called Batanyee to our east.  They were encroaching on our land and stealing our food, so we invaded their camps one by one and took their meaningless lives to save our crops!”_ **

****

**_“Oh, I know all about your little petty disagreement with them.”_ ** **The Doctor felt compelled to comment, _“They were merely hungry, and they DID try to work with your people on trading livestock for the crops, which by the way you had an overabundance of that year, but you declined. So, you murdered hundreds of peaceful people who carried no weapons, over some vegetables and fruit.  How impressive you are.”_   **

**The Doctor said with a clenched jaw and tight fists, looking like he would enjoy nothing more than to rip this man to pieces.  The Doctor waited for the General to comment but nothing was said.  He went on…**

****

**_“You think your little skirmishes here and there on your world mean anything in the big scheme of things?   What you would call a war, I would call a childish squabble.  I was fighting on the front lines of the war to end all wars while you were still feeding off your mother’s breast.  You have absolutely no idea what the Time War was like, what battling a Dalek is like.  Watching the people all around you drop like flies while you stand alone on the battlefield, the final barrier between two evil regimes.”_ **

****

**_“Would you like to see one of my badges?”_ ** **The Doctor rolled up the bottom of his shirt to reveal what appeared to be a deep but healed burn mark.**

****

**_“Shot by a Dalek that cornered me.  I can still remember how close I came to dying and if it wasn’t for my training I wouldn’t be here having this nice chat with you. Even with my ability to heal twice as fast, this scar remains.  It went right through my abdomen clear to the other side.  I had to crawl over 3 miles in the mud with the bodies of the dead all around me to get to a place where there were provisions to treat my wound.  The healer there was dead, so I had to clean it off and wrap it up myself._ **

**_I was the only Time Lord that I know of that volunteered for the front line.  The rest were entrenched in their underground bunkers, plotting on how to win an unwinnable war._ **

****

**_So, I treated my injury the best I could and then do you want to know what I did Karak?  I returned to my post and took out a few more of the enemy.  I never retreated.  Not once._ **

****

**_And I guess you know how I earned one of my nicknames, the Oncoming Storm.  I am the one who pushed the button.  I killed them all, both the Daleks and my own people who ended up being just as corrupt as the enemy.   I was the one who destroyed Gallifrey and the Daleks along with them and I am the only survivor.”_ **

**A stunned Karak sat in front of the Doctor, his mouth agape.  He knew that the Doctor was the last of his people, but he thought that was because he ran away.  Being a Warrior and committing genocide?  These things he did not know and truly at that moment did not want to know.  He had understood the man could be dangerous, but he never realized how dangerous or how powerful until now.**

**Karak kept looking at the sealed door of the cell as if waiting for other soldiers to arrive to rescue him.  The Doctor noticed this and waved the communications device that he had taken from one of the scouts in his face.**

**“ _Oh and no one is coming to help you.  When you first brought me in here I happened to notice the tanks of the sleeping gas that you used to put me under and all it took was some tiny tweaking to have it dispersed in the halls only and not in the cells.  Handy little things these communications devices_. **

**The Doctor stood and began to pace, coiled tightly and prepared to strike.  He knew what was ahead of him even as he interrogated Karak and was calculating the different multiple outcomes and how to win at this particular game of chess.**

****

**_“Back to you Karak and what you said about your wife… it is none of her business, why?”_ **

**Karak sat up straight, trying to take on an air of male superiority.**

****

**_“Because women are weak and stupid and are only good for sex and producing offspring.  As long as I provide for the family she does not need to know how”_ ** **he says as if it is common knowledge.**

****

**_“Their place is simply to obey the man and to pleasure him however and whenever he wants.”_ **

****

**The Doctor suddenly stopped in his tracks.  He couldn’t look at the man sitting at his feet without feeling the over powering urge to end this lovely little conversation and this person’s life right now.**

**“ _You are the most pathetic excuse for a man I have ever met and when you have lived as long as I have and have met some extraordinarily pitiful ones, to say you are the worst is saying quite a lot.”_ **

**Then another sad realization dawned on him.  He knew the answer before he asked it but some part of him felt he couldn’t get any more disgusted than he already was.**

**He was wrong.**

****

**_“And what happens to the woman if she does not obey?”_ **

****

**Karak looked at the Doctor and calmly said _“well depending on her transgression and how much she protests, she is either beaten by the man and any other males in the house or forced to do what all the men want.  If we are at war for instance and the female does not shine our shoes or clean our shock sticks correctly she will be punished.  Her objections are of no consequence to the men and in fact might make the taking of the female even more gratifying”_**

**The Doctor stared down at Karak, not believing how backward thinking this civilization was.  He knew it was wrong but at that moment he really didn’t care as he balled up his fist and leaning over, punched Karak in the face.  Blood poured out of his nose and Karak wiped at it with his sleeve trying to retain some semblance of dignity.  That is until the Doctor grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him to his feet.  Karak, who had been acting very self-confident now began trembling as he wondered what the Time Lord would do next.  In a fit of rage, he tossed Karak across the room hitting the opposite wall so hard he actually bounced off of it, landing in a heap at the the Doctors feet.**

**_“Get up”_ ** **he ordered the General, who at that point thought it would be safer to just stay down.**

**When Karak didn’t move he dragged him to his feet again,**

**_“Understand this Karak, your life means nothing.  You have no redeeming qualities either as a soldier or a man otherwise I would give you a chance to plead for your continued existence.”_ **

****

**The Doctor reached behind himself and pulled out the knife from the top of his trousers.  Bringing it up to the throat of Karak, he watched as the man’s eyes lit up with fear and began trembling.**

**Then the Doctor did something totally unexpected; he flipped it so that he was holding the blade and offered the handle to the General.**

**“ _Take this and try to kill me Karak.  I dare you.  No, wait I ORDER you to take this knife and come at me with it.  See if you can beat me in hand to hand combat, let’s just see if your Pradus 3 training was better than mine.  Come on take the damn knife!”_**

**Shaking, Karak did as he was told while the Time Lord took a few steps back.**

**_“Feel better now?  You have the knife while I have no weapon at all so in theory you have the upper hand. This is me giving you a second chance.   And you call yourself a trained soldier.  You are laughable.  In fact, your whole army is known as one big joke all across the known universe.”_ **

****

**The soldier visibly bristled when the Doctor said that.  What can one Time Lord do to a trained man like himself, especially since he wielded a knife!**

**The girl stood up behind the Doctor but stayed plastered to the wall, watching both men.  She did not understand why the Gallifreyan would do what he did but she could sense a confidence emanating from him that in turn instilled trust in her.**

**With a shout of victory, Karak ran towards the Doctor with the blade pointed directly at his chest.  Thinking he could fool the Time Lord, at the last possible second, he changed tactics by raising the knife above his head, aiming for the Doctor’s shoulder instead.  But the Doctor anticipated the move and shifted to the left, the knife missing him by a wide margin.  The Doctor  dashed to the other side of the room, picking up the plate that the knife had originally been on as he did so and breaking it in two by slamming it on his knee.  By the time the General turned back to face the Doctor, he had the jagged edge of the plate pressed against his throat and the wrist of the hand holding the knife twisted to the point that Karak was forced to drop it.**

**“ _You have proven yourself to be an unworthy opponent_.” **

**He bent and picked up the knife and placed it behind him again.**

**_“Now you see Karak, I have two weapons while you have none.  The balance of power shifts so easily doesn’t it?”_ ** **he said, mocking him.**

****

**_“So that would be rule #3; anything can be used as a weapon…anything.  You have to open your eyes and survey the area before you can claim victory.”_ **

**The Time Lord pulled the plate to one side, across the throat of his victim causing tiny beads of blood to appear where the jagged edges broke the skin.**

**Then he backed away, and ordered him to sit back down which the General did without protest; all the fight having gone out of him.  He knew he was beaten and awaited his fate.   The Doctor dropped to his knees, looking into the face of one of the men who inflicted unspeakable torture and pain on him for 6 months.**

**_“You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now Karak….”_ **

****

**_“However,”_ ** **the Doctor continued….**

****

**_“My brave, strong and oh so smart wife-to-be; that is if she will still have me, would not be happy if I did.  She would be horrified at what you have told me and beyond angry at the treatment I have received while being held captive, but she would also realize that you are just a product of your own upbringing.  What I am saying is that it is a woman who has saved your poor excuse for a life.   Don’t you ever forget that.”_ **

****

**_“But you do need to learn a lesson.  I spent such a long, long time in this hell thinking about what I would do to those who left me here and I think I finally came up with a good enough punishment.”_ **

****

**He raised a hand toward the general, who immediately recoiled.  But he could only move back so far and before he could react further the Doctor had his fingers pressed against Karak’s temples.**

**_“I promise not to kill you.  Now, let me show you something”_ ** **he said, first sending a mental image of the word ‘Assassin’, the Doctor’s other official title directly into his mind and then said,**

****

**_“You are going to wish I had used that specific talent on you today.  Instead I will let you have, shall we say this ‘unique’ form of rest.”_ **

**He then gave the telepathic command for him to sleep.  Immediately the general slid to the floor unconscious.  The Doctor knelt and whispered in the man’s ear, fingers pressed against his temples once more….**

****

**_“This is for that poor girl you fooled me into abusing, for every one of my bones you broke, for every telepathic horror you made me endure and for all those months of isolation you forced upon me._ **

****

**_And let’s include your wife and kids while we are at it, they will be better off without you.”_ **

****

**Finally, as an afterthought….**

**_“I am sure I will see you in hell for all of this someday"_ **

****

**And with that he forced a scenario into the man’s subconscious, to repeat over and over until the end of Karak’s life.**

**Karak opened his eye’s in almost total darkness.  One flashlight had been placed in his hand and as he turned it on he began to scream.**

**He was in a wooden box just big enough for him to turn around in but nothing more.  There was no way to open it that he could see so he begins pushing on the lid only to be rewarded with a face full of dirt.  He had been buried alive and had never felt so terrified.  He could hear a noise that sounded like a wheeze coming from nearby, so he took the light and found that he had an oxygen tank with a clock attached next to his head.  The clock was ticking down showing about 20 minutes of oxygen left.  Twenty minutes before he would start gasping for air. The clock ticked loudly and would ‘ding’ at the minute mark so there was no way Karak could ignore it. As he was trying to think of a way out of that particular hell he was suddenly aware that he was not alone in the coffin.  He could hear small squeaks and could feel nibbling down on his thighs.  He hesitantly pointed the flashlight where the sensations were coming from and saw, much to his horror at least three rats running across his legs.  He tried to dislodge them but neither his feeble kicks nor his swatting at them with the flashlight deterred them from nibbling on the fabric of his pants.**

**.**

**Lost for the moment in the emotions of what he had just done, he was shaken back to reality by the cries of the girl.  Karak had started screaming which scared her, so he approached the girl and tentatively opened his arms really not expecting her to inviting her into them.  She took a step towards him and he took one towards her and they came together with both of them crying, he was saying how sorry he was while she just nodded against him.  When she had calmed down, he let her go and bent down to take the jacket off of Karak and explained to the girl to hold it over her nose and mouth until he told her it was safe. At the door he had her take her shoes off as he did, so no one could follow their bloody foot prints.  The oh so white room was now about 1/4 red.**

**They both rushed at the closed door which worked via the communicator.  Placing the instrument up to the panel he could easily get it open.  He saw his opportunity and yet he hesitated.  He had spent almost 6 earth months isolated in this box without a window, decent food or companionship.  They never turned the lights down, so he never knew whether it was night or day.  And everywhere the white, always white except when he would get hurt and bleed.**

**So, you would think that he would run out of that prison as fast as he could, yet he was terrified to cross the threshold to freedom.  That one step over that invisible line proved more daunting than any Dalek or Cyberman he ever had to face.  Even though he was leaving behind intolerable physical and emotional pain, those were things he could expect. _'Out there'_ was the great unknown and that scared him.  What would he see on the other side of that wall? **

**More children that needed rescuing?**

**Unbearable pain and suffering of whole civilizations that he had to save?**

**Possibly losing Rose by putting her in harm’s way or even just her old age and subsequent death would tear his hearts to pieces.**

**What if she found someone else and didn’t want him anymore?**

**Those things plus so much more absolutely terrified him.**

**And they were all over the threshold of a door.**

**So, he froze and wouldn't step over the line.**

**He stared down at that imaginary barrier, his hearts hammering and his breath hitching in sobs that threatened to break through.  Suddenly a hand came into his singularly narrow view breaking the spell of that jump from the light into the dark.  He looked up and saw the girl reaching her hand out to him..**

**_(“There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.”.)_ **

**He could hear the echo of his own words to Rose as they filtered down from tens of thousands of years in the past and in the future too, there to give him strength.**

**Only then did he realize that the line wasn't on that floor and his future wasn't past that wall.**

**It was all inside of him, in his head.**

**He was the monster he feared the most.**


	30. Blaze of Glory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no such thing as an easy escape. Sad but hopeful then just plain overwhelmed, he is doing his best to get them to safety. Rated PG for violence but not as bad as in other chapters. Thanks again to my loyal followers! You will all get home baked cookies when all is said and done. As long as you can pass the 'Penance' quiz, that is!

**_All my earthy dreams are shattered_**  
_I'm so tired I quit_  
 _Take me forever it doesn't matter_  
 _Deep inside of your ship_  
 _La la la la la la landing_  
 _Please oh won't you return_  
 _Feel see your blue lights are flashing_  
 _You and your alien arms_

**_“Distant Fingers” ~ Patti Smith **(considered to be the queen of punk, she wrote this about Doctor Who and dedicated it to David Tennant while on tour)_ **

**_ Chapter ~ Blaze of Glory _ **

**This realization hit him hard, right where his great Time Lord hearts were.  He did NOT deserve what had happened to him and was ashamed for even thinking just for a minute that being inside those four walls was preferable in any way.  He was going to get them out of there or die trying.  So, he took her hand and for a couple of steps she lead him but then his sense of direction coupled with his new-found knowledge took over and he stepped in front of her.   He directed her to a silo that he remembered seeing when he was escorted to his hell.  His world took on a single-minded laser focus where everything else disappeared and all that mattered was getting himself and the girl outside.   His higher mind shut down replaced by simple basic instinct and self-preservation.  He could not put a perception filter around them due to being in a psychically weakened state, but he could still access the rest of his training.  And he knew that the higher they climbed inside the silo the more resistance they would meet as word spread upwards of their escape.**

**They came up against what appeared to be a small army as they ascended through the silo but he had the element of surprise on his side and since they were not grouped in large numbers it made it easier to do away with them as quickly and as quietly as possible.  Now with only 2 floors to go he had to change tactics.  They had just passed the 3 rd floor only to find 2 scouts shooting arrows and firing crude pistols at them.   Just as he was about to exit through one of the doors he heard the girl cry out.  One of the bullets shot from above hit the other side of the silo and ricocheted across, hitting her in the shoulder.  **

**He watched helplessly as she yelled in pain and began to lose her grip on the ladder.  He reached down for her, but she couldn’t lift that arm.  He saw the fear on her face as she fell to her death.   He turned back and looked up at them, singling out the one who fired the gun, freezing him on the spot with a stare of such hatred that the man could barely breathe.   The Doctor almost gave in to it, almost kept going up the silo to reach the scout then take the gun from him and make him pay.  But he knew that the rest of the team positioned above him would kill him before he got even half way there.  So, he stuffed down the rage until he saw him again one flight up and on the far right of a 4-man blockade.    Behind him was the door to get up to the next floor but in front of him was revenge.**

**His final decision was his thoughts of missing Rose.  He had to get to her, had to get home and if he decided on pursuing revenge he might just get it, but the cost was way too high.**

**He turned back to the door and quietly went through.  He climbed up until he made it to the top and exited to the outside, into the sun-drenched landscape.  He was blinded by it, having been sequestered away for so long.  He blinked through the tears that formed just in time to see that there were 4 scouts standing there, each with their own shock sticks heading straight for him.  He stared them down with darkened eyes; he didn't make it that far to be deterred right at the top. The oncoming storm was there and pointed right at them, fierce enough for them to hesitate.  One scout was not going to be dissuaded from his mission and kept coming.  The Doctor grabbed at the stick from the surprised scout and turned it on him, shocking him enough to knock him to the ground.  The rest advanced but now he was armed with the stick besides the knife and also by his reputation as extremely dangerous.**

**Then one tiny glance by a scout over the Doctor’s shoulder caused them all, Time Lord and scouts alike to pause.  He became very quiet and simply listened.  By the sound of scrapping on the gravel surface he could tell that there were at the very least, three others advancing.**


	31. Thrill to a Kill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He looked at the scouts in front of him and took a deep breath, deciding there and then that he would not go gentle into that good night. If he was going to die it would not be a coward’s death. He was no coward; he was the last of the Time Lords and had a reputation to uphold. And his pink and yellow human to go home to."
> 
> "Death had one hell of a fight on its hands."
> 
> Rated M for violence because it makes me feel safer. For those who have followed I promise there is a bit more of the story to tell before it is wrapped up with a smutastic ending, LOL. Stay with me peeps, please!

**_ Chapter: Thrill to a Kill _ **

**He wasn't quite sure what to do and that is what scared him the most.  He was exhausted and alone, the feeling of surrender welling up in his throat in the form of tears.**

**Out of the blue he felt an emotion that was so totally alien to him it nearly stopped his hearts right there and then.**

**His own death was within his reach….and he wasn’t going to try to stop it.**

**All he needed to do was give up, surrender, let whatever happens happen without fighting it.  Time seemed to slow down around him.  He had endured so much both mentally and physically that death was an option if he wanted it.  Easy enough…he could close his eyes and let the blade do what it was intended for or drop both the knife and the stick and surrender.   But doing that might put him back in that room again.  No, the only way to be certain that wouldn’t happen would be to act recklessly and let one of those scouts take him down.  He would run straight towards his own demise in the form of electrocution.  He wondered if it would hurt and how long it would take if he repressed a regeneration.  He had used the sticks on others and it seemed to be a quick death.  Almost a peaceful one.  Yes, that is the only way out of this situation and out of this pain.**

**But….**

**Rose.**

**He was almost there.  He could feel her so close, like a warm blanket on a cold night.  What would she say if she knew that he, for lack of a better term committed suicide?  She wouldn’t believe it, his Rose.  But if the story got back to her of how he was reckless and ran towards the scouts without trying to protect himself, what then?  She would cry and shake her head no, he wouldn’t do that.  Not her Time Lord.  Not her brave and strong Doctor.  She would hold on to the man she knew not the man he had become.  He saved all those children, but he couldn’t save himself…. worse, he didn’t even try?  No.  Just simply NO.**

**__ **

**He looked at the scouts in front of him and took a deep breath, deciding there and then that he would not go gentle into that good night.  If he was going to die it would not be a coward’s death.  He was no coward; he was the last of the Time Lords and had a reputation to uphold.  And his pink and yellow human to go home to.**

**Death had one hell of a fight on its hands.**

**He made the decision to not give up that body that quickly.  He had fought for it, had come to like being in it and Rose seemed to agree so that settled that.  No sooner had he decided to fight when he heard his name spoken from behind and then the term ‘rebels’.   He spun on his heels and saw three men running past him to fight the other four scouts.  They were there to rescue him!  He took his stick and his knife and joined the battle, much to the dismay of the ones there already.  He would never let others fight for him if he was able to fight for himself.   Now he knew they would win and he would be free.  He almost enjoyed being part of this and that gave him pause.  He never enjoyed killing before. Never.  Had he become a monster, no better than them?   Here he was, in the heat of battle surrounded by other Warriors taking down the ones that held him captive for over 4 months of an Earth year.  The ones who planted unspeakable visions in his mind all the while enjoying the suffering he went through.**

**They broke his bones and broke his will but NEVER broke his spirit.**

**He had come so close to regenerating so many times but would not allow it.  They wanted him to, he knew that much.  They wanted to see him burn.  Yet even during the pain that was bad enough to knock him to his knees and cry out he would keep telling himself that he wanted to get back to Rose the same way he left her.  The physical pain he could take, even the psychological beatings he had to endure would have been more than enough to cause him to become a new man if it hadn’t been for the love he had for Rose.**

**So no, there wasn’t any room for mercy this time.  He lashed out at the enemy with the rest, saving the life of one of the rebel scouts who had been knocked down and was just a few seconds away from being impaled.  He did away with the adversary right before he could strike the helpless young man on the ground.**

**The other rebels had finished off the rest leaving the Doctor to reach down and help the grateful soldier to his feet.**


	32. D'Shen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor makes a new friend and everything 'looks' like it will finally turn out OK for our Time Lord. Looks can be deceiving however as we will find out soon enough. In the meantime, he gets to teach his new allie a thing or two about war and peace (and we ain't talking Tolstoy here.) Rated PG only because of the mention of violence and the remembering of the rape.  
> As always thanks for keeping up with me and my little novelette (hell, War and Peace, yes now the Tolstoy version has nothing on "Penance" lol)

 

**_ Chapter ~ D’Shen _ **

****

**_"Our greatest glory is not in never falling,_ **

**_but in rising every time we fall.”  Confucius_ **

**_“All the blood…. I have to know, what have I done.”_ he was coming out of a haze of red.  All he remembered was being taken to a ‘safe house’ while he and the rebels put together a plan that would be consistent with being killed by the military.  This would in turn call for a formal celebration, bringing all the ‘royalty’ out into the open. The government would then be overthrown, and the people put in charge.  **

**After that while still being hidden he let himself fall into a healing coma which is consistent with what his body does instead of regeneration.  When the damage is too much for the mind and body to take, a Time Lord can ‘power down’ and enter the coma for however long it takes to repair the damage as best it can.  He told everyone there what was going to happen so that they would not be concerned, then took to a bed and allowed himself to rest.**

**When he regained consciousness, he appeared to be in the royal palace.**

****

**_“Announce to the people that he is awake!”_ one of the plain clothes members of the gathering ordered.  Immediately another left the room to do his bidding and the Doctor could hear a roar go up somewhere outside of the structure.  Judging by its volume he guessed that there were at least 300 or so people waiting outside.  **

**The room he was in appeared to be a guest suite going by the ornate fixtures and the hired help.  He sat up and looked himself over.  First thing he noticed was that he was still wearing the white shirt and pants that was issued to him when he was put in his cell.  Except now he had blood stains here and there over most of it.  He tasted it and at once noticed to his relief that it was not his.  He did feel his fair share of bumps and bruises and his arm had recently been reset by, he surmised his new best ‘friends.’  He reached for the IV line that was attached to his arm and pulled it out, untethering himself.  Almost immediately he began to feel intense pain in his broken arm, realizing that the reset must have been a complicated one.**

**“What pain killer were you feeding me via the IV?” he asked, hoping that someone there had some training in Time Lord physiology.**

****

**_“Oh, that would have been Temisel”_ one of the men dressed as a physician answered.**

****

**_“Alright, back to the blood, namely where did it come from and…oh I see!  That is another reason why my memory is a bit hazy around the edges, the Temisel was blocking memories as well as pain”_ he thought for a moment _, “ok well if you would be so kind as to fill me in?”_**

****

**_“Yes, the blood”_ one young man dressed in army fatigues who looked to be of higher rank came forward. **

****

**_“Seems that you went on a bit of a rampage in your cell the other night.  Or at least that is where it started”_ **

**The Doctor eyed the man warily, still not knowing if he could trust him or not.**

****

**_“Sorry, but I see you are carrying a gun and I have this aversion to them, call it an allergy”_ he turned to face the older member of the militia, swinging his legs off the side of the bed to face him directly. **

**_“And your name is?”_ the Doctor asked, feeling a sense of Deja Vue. **

****

**_“D’shen, sir and very much at your service”_ he answered, bowing deeply.  _“And if I may add sir although I do understand your deep dislike for guns, you did enough damage with that knife to make any gun owner second guess his weapon of choice.”_ **

**He smiled at the Doctor and immediately the Doctor relaxed, deciding he liked this gun-toting dissident after all.  But even above that, there was still something familiar about the young man.**

****

**_“Do I know you D’shen?”_ he asked, feeling like he already knew the answer.  **

****

**_“You saved my life, Doctor.”_ he smiled shyly at him. _“I was one of the children that you rescued off the Pradus 3 vessel.  You took me to your ship and brought me back from death’s door.”_   **

**But there was more as the young man continued to speak,**

****

**_“….and then you saved me again while we were fighting the guards.  I would most surely be dead if you hadn’t intervened by killing the one who was about to strike me as I lay on the ground during the rescue.”_ **

**He bowed deeply again to The Doctor in gratitude.**

**The pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place as the drug started to leave his system.**

****

**_“It was my honor and my pleasure D’shen”_ he smiled at the boy noting how Rose would say _‘what goes around, comes around_.’**

**Answering what he knew would be his next question, _“they came back for many of the saved ones on their next trip and stole me from my home then.  I managed to escape when I got here and have been head of this faction of the dissident party since."_**

**He looked around the room and took in the sights.  Three dressed like militia and four in civilian clothing.**

****

**_“D’shen, back to the blood?  What really happened?”_   he asked**

****

**_“Well from what I have heard, it appears you took the knife that they left you and did away with the guards in your path on the way up.  They had put you in one of the most secured areas of the building and yet you made your way up 9 flights to ground level before you could get out.  Needless to say, you were met with much resistance.”_  The Doctor crossed his arms and put his head down, trying to remember. **

**_He was handed the knife and immediately ‘heard’ the cries of the victims on Pradus 3, now one with the blade._ **

**“ _D’shen, this is a knife of death.  That is all it is meant for.  Normally though it is a suicide blade, meant to take my own life if I think I might be a danger to others.  It is so I die with honor.”_ He placed it on the exam table and tried to ignore the whispers emanating from it.**

**D’shen nodded his head and then continued _, “One of the guards must have sounded the alarm before you got to him.  Which was good and bad because the dissidents had gotten word of the alarm and then heard that it was indeed you that had escaped so we tried to intercept you at the perimeter gate.”_ D’shen was going to continue but before he could the Doctor added what he remembered.   **

****

**_“And bad because every guard in the building left their posts to block my way”_ he began to remember the climb up the silo.**

****

**_“And there was a tunnel dug near the back of the fence….”_ **

****

**_“Yes”_ D’shen explained, _“we had built that, so we could attempt to get people out and we were just hoping that you would find it and use it as well.  We wanted to get you to a safe house until we could coordinate with the rest of the rebellion.  But those scouts found you before you could get there.”_**

****

**_“How many?”_ the Doctor asked**

**D’shen looked confused but then the hero lifted his eyes to his and words were not needed.  D’shen understood the question all too clearly.**

****

**_“Some are being treated in the medical ward of the building.  Most did not make it.  Our best guess is 18 because there appeared to be 2 per level and….”_   The Doctor put up his hand to stop him for a moment.  No one should just pass by a statement like that without trying to make sense out of it.  He jumped off the table so suddenly that D’shen had to steady him when a wave of dizziness and pain rolled over his body like thunder.  He centered himself and then after a moment began to pace slowly around the room.**

****

**_“All in a day’s work for you, I take it?”_ he smiled at the Doctor _“you will have to teach me the ways of your people. Knowing how to kill the way you do would be a great knowledge to have.”_**

**The Doctor stopped and looked at him, mouth agape and then saw himself; young and foolish in so many ways.  He just shook his head and looked D’shen in the eye when he spoke, hoping that his next words would get through to the young soldier.**


	33. The Student Is Ready (The Teacher Appears)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor bears his soul and his burden to D'shen and in so doing, it is lessened. He teachers the young soldier some valuable lessons and learns that he is not the only one with knowledge to impart. A mild M for mature only because of the retelling of the violence and rape.

**_“Let me tell you something D’shen, and this is the truth from my hearts it is better to NOT know the things that I do.  Learn how to bring peace in peaceful ways not by shedding the blood of your comrades because this is what ends up happening…. you start taking the lives of your own and you never want to have that knowledge, believe me.”_ **

**He looked back at D’shen and added,**

****

**_“If what is being asked of you to do is wrong, if your head is saying do what you are being told to do but your heart is saying ‘wait a minute, this does not sound right’ follow your heart first.  It won’t lead you astray.  If you only rely on what your being told you will have another corrupt government on your hands….and blood on them too.  OK?”_ **

**He listened attentively as the Doctor continued, feeling more than just a little lucky to be gaining wisdom from the last of the great Time Lords.**

****

**_“One day three of the guards came in to the cell.”_ ** **He stood still, images flooding over him. _“Two of them held me back while the third took one of those lovely shock sticks you all seem to value so highly, and he jabbed it into my right thigh.  It felt like every electrical impulse in my leg shorted out and I would have fallen if my new best friends hadn’t been holding me up.  The guy with the stick told me to fix the system so they could get their little kidnapping escapades up and running again. When I said no he jabbed me again but this time he held it there.  I gritted my teeth against the pain even as the leg gave out entirely.  He told me one more time to fix it and I told him one more time, no.  The reason I remember this is because he was just about to jab me for a third time when the guy holding me up on my right side whispered in my ear that he was sorry.  Yeah, I got jabbed and it was a replay of the first two except I thought to myself that this one guy understood that it was wrong, or at least pointless.”_**

****

**_“I remember his face, barely out of childhood, taught to hurt people and I saw myself.  Difference was I never just blindly followed orders.  If I disagreed with an order I just wouldn’t do it.  Got in loads of trouble but kept my dignity.  I have learned through all this that I am a rotten soldier. Horrible.  BUT I am a good man and I would rather be that anytime.”_ **

**D’shen waited, seeing that the Doctor had more to say.**

****

**_“I remember his face too as I killed him.  I had no choice.  I was lashing out at anyone in a uniform as I tried to make my way up.  This was self-preservation. I didn’t have time to do an interview with each man pointing a gun or stick or sword at me to see if he had any morals or not.  I knew I would either kill every soldier that threatened to stand in my way or I would have killed myself.  I would never do what they wanted me to do so if they put me back in that cell I would have gone mad.  Even now with everything that happened to me I honestly don’t know how much I will relive…. how much of it will influence me down the road.  If I had been put back there, well that would have been that.  I came here to do a job and I got it done.  I won’t lie to you, when I came here I did not expect to ever leave.  Just the fact that I am in this room with you right now is a miracle really.  But to be put back in that room?  No.  I would never have tried to escape again.  I am a dangerous person anyway so if I ever got out I would just be another dangerous and unstable man let loose on the public.  My Tardis probably would never have let me in the door!”_ **

**He continued….**

****

**_“That is why before I knew that you and the other two scouts were dissidents I had ‘almost’ convinced myself to just let myself be killed rather than being caught.  My own death would have protected others.”_ **

**Then suddenly he stopped, a look of absolute horror crossing his face.**

****

**_“Oh, to all the Gods in all the Heavens I forgot about her…the girl who was leaving with me.  The girl I…. I…”_ **

**The Doctor couldn’t stop the tear that rolled down his battered and bruised cheek.  D’shen saw the shock on the Time Lords face as he started to remember what happened in that cell before he escaped.**

****

**_“We found the body of an Arano girl on the bottom of the silo.”_ ** **he gently told the Doctor, knowing that there was really no way to lessen the blow.**

**The Doctor sat back down on the table and hung his head.**

****

**_“What was her name?”_ ** **the Doctor managed to ask, his voice deep and shaking with so many different emotions he didn’t know how to process it all.**

**D’shen opened up a stack of paper he was carrying and flipped through it until he found her.**

****

**_“It was Aylia”_ ** **he told him to which the Doctor quickly added,**

****

**_“That translates to ‘sacrifice’ on her world”_ **

**How much more could he take?  That poor girl who….**

**Now the memory of the silo climb came rushing forward in his mind and he could see it all as it played out.**

**D’shen waited patiently for him to continue because he knew that there was more to the story than what he had said so far.**

****

**_“I was just about to open the next to last door of our climb when one of the scouts fired a weapon from above……”_ **

**The Doctor saw the scouts face and how young he was.**

****

**_“…. the bullet hit the other side of the silo and bounced off, hitting her in the shoulder and rendering that arm useless.  She couldn’t reach up with it and it wouldn’t hold her weight, so she wasn’t able to use the other hand either to try to grasp mine.  It all happened so fast…. and yet it was almost in slow motion…. her face went from pain to fear to resignation of her fate I suppose.  She hadn’t spoken up until that point because the people of her world do not speak until around their mid-twenties or so.  D’shen do you want to know what her first word and what turned out to be her last was?”_ **

**D’shen nodded,**

**“ _It was the word ‘RUN’_ ” **

****

**_“Not HELP, not NO, not SAVE ME.  She was telling me to keep going, to RUN as fast as I could to escape.  She…she purposely let go of the ladder.  I took a few steps back down towards her to help her when she just let herself drop.”_ **

**The Doctor put his head in his hands.**

****

**_“They brought her to me D’shen and convinced me that she was my mate back home by the name of Rose.  The things that had been planted in my mind about how Rose had not been faithful while I was locked up had been eating at me and then there she was.  I RAPED HER D’SHEN.  I FORCED MYSELF ON HER IN A FIT OF ANGER AND JEALOUSY!!”_ **

**The Doctor’s voice broke and he began to softly cry, not caring how strange it must look to watch this great Time Lord openly weeping.**

****

**_“Only afterwards did I enter into her mind and discovered that she was not Rose at all.  And then I watched as the marks on her wrists and the back of her neck faded.  They were there to prove that she was a virgin, that she wasn’t a piece of trash or some whore.  And I stole that from her.  Why didn’t I see those marks before hand?  I would have instantly known what they were….”_ **

**The Doctor, red eyed with tears on his cheeks looked at D’shen for an answer, anything to take this enormous weight off his already over-burdened shoulders.**

**D’shen realized that he was being given a gift.  He was being allowed to see the great Time Lord at his most vulnerable and somehow, in his eyes it did not diminish him.  He was a man who felt deeply about things and not just a ‘Great Warrior’ to be worshipped or be in awe of.  So, he gave him a gift back.  The only thing he could, a good reason.**

****

**_“Doctor you told me that Warriors run in to the heat of battle without thinking first.  Without wondering what might happen or even why they were being told to do so….”_ ** **he paused, seeing that the Time Lord was listening to him intently, _“….well I think it was the same thing when your mind was ‘told’ that it was your mate and that you were ‘told’ that she had been unfaithful to you.”_   **

****

**_“To me it seems like you were following orders without thinking it through first. All the time you were locked up you were being told these things over and over.  So, when they convinced you that this girl was her you acted first and thought about it afterwards. Just like a Warrior would.  BUT you can’t blame yourself for any of this.  It wasn’t your fault that you were being given those injections that made your imagination literally run away with you or being stuck in that hole for 2 turns of our seasons and fed the same information over and over that convinced you that she had indeed been with others while you were here.”_ **

**He saw the Doctor nod his head and visibly straighten, like D’shen had literally helped build him back up.**

****

**_“AND Doctor, you have to remember and really believe that no matter how much you want to blame yourself for it YOU DID NOT FIRE THE GUN.  It was just some kid blindly following orders just like you said.”_ **

**D’shen took the large stack of papers he had been holding and handed it over to the Doctor who took it and rifled through the pages, looking at all the names and ages of the people, mostly kids.**

****

**_“These are the names of the people who were locked up in cells like you were.  Some had been there longer and some not as long….”_ **

**He paused as the Doctor began to read the names to himself, he could see his lips moving and his head shaking in absolute horror.  The stack was at least 100 pages thick if not more.  He looked up at D’shen….**

****

**_“Every one of them were released because of your escape.  Some, we could not save because their abuse was too great, but most were returned to their parents or caregivers after we looked over each one and considered them well enough to go. We estimated that there were quite a few that would not have lasted much longer at all if we hadn’t gotten to them when we did.”_ **

**D’shen let that sink in before he went on…**

****

**_“So, Doctor you see that you did more than just take down the system that controlled the acquisition of those kids like me and more than just bring down a corrupt government.  You saved about 100 or so more by being there in the first place and then getting out.”_ **

**The Doctor sat there quietly for a moment or two, looking over all those names and processing what D’shen had said until finally he raised his head and stared into the eyes of his new friend.  He handed him back the papers, crossed his arms over his chest and said…**

****

**_“Just how old are you?”_ ** **with a small grin on his face.**

****

**_“I am 24 Doctor, why?”_ ** **he couldn’t help but grin back**

****

**_“Are you absolutely sure because I am almost 1000 and that was one of the most insightful and frankly brilliant things that I have been told in a very, very long time.”_ **

**D’shen couldn’t help but puff out his chest a bit with pride which made both men laugh. The Doctor had to admit that he had something else to be grateful to D’shen for; the first laugh he had in almost 9 months.**


	34. Memento Mori (‘Remember, you too must die’)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was tough to write. Just when I thought he was free, really free a wrench is thrown in his way. I did love writing writing it because when you get that invested in the characters and their lives it kind of writes itself. A strong M for violence. We're almost there folks, for better or worse 'this song is ending.' Thank you to everyone who has kept up with this story. Your devotion has meant the world to me. Just a couple of chapters to go, I promise.

**"** _Home is behind the world ahead_  
And there are many paths to tread  
Through shadow to the edge of night  
Until the stars are all alight.  
Mist and shadow  
Cloud and shade  
All shall fade  
All shall fade"

**_ Chapter ~ Memento Mori (‘Remember, you too must die’) _ **

**D’shen continued to bring him up to speed with what was happening right now.**

**_“There is a huge crowd outside who have been waiting for you to wake up so that they could thank you and honor you for all you have done and for the sacrifices you have made to save them.  They have put together a feast as well.”_ **

**The Doctor thought for a moment but then shook his head,**

**_“D’shen if I did not have a place that I had to go to and arms that I needed to embrace I would stay for the feast because I am famished!” the Doctor smiled, “But honor me?  Not too sure about that one.  I am more of the ‘got to keep moving’ kind of guy”_ **

**However since he did not want to disappoint that many people especially if they were there for him he told D’shen that he would put on the clothes and do the ‘smile and wave’ bit but then he would have to leave.  He was itching to know if his Tardis had returned from being with Rose.  He could just feel her in the back of his mind, waiting for him.  He had to get home to Rose or face whatever had happened to her as quickly as possible.**

**So later that day, after wolfing down the first substantial meal he had in almost 6 months and the first hot shower he got to have in the same amount of time he felt purged of the evil of Pradus 3 once and for all.   Cleaning off the blood from his body somehow saddened him as he watched it drain away.  All the names and faces will forever be hidden from him now and will only exist in a vague memory and his ever-present nightmares.  And in the blade of the dagger as well.  His arm was still throbbing from where the bones had been set but the pain was bearable and the arm usable again.**

**The roar went up across the hundreds of natives in attendance when the Doctor made it across the stage, waving and smiling.  The newly crowned king and queen chosen by the people, made speeches about having the Doctor welcomed on the NEW Pradus 3 any time he wishes and that he will always have a place in any of the homes and accepted as one of them.  Their first law was that the acquisition of children from anywhere and any world would be against their highest law and slavery in general was not to occur on Pradus 3.  They thanked the Doctor and offered him jewels and gifts that can only found on their world.  He accepted with gratitude and was happy to find out that D’shen would now be the head of the military there.**

**He hoped that he would take to heart what the Doctor had said about keeping the peace.  He told the people that he will mourn the deaths of those lives he took as they should as well, and the people seemed to agree with him knowing that most of them were taken at a young age from other places.  He then told them about his one great love and how he had to go to find her again.  So, he begged their leave and left the stage by walking through the throng who parted for him bowing their heads in respect.  He made off through the woods on the back of one of their traveling beasts, relying on just his senses to bring him home.  D’shen rode with him to assure his way through the area’s that have not heard about the new government and to make sure that they were not met with violence but were accepted with an explanation of the new peace.**

****

**They came to a curve in the road and as they rounded it his sense of home screamed out to him.  In front of him was a smattering of blue in a forest of green and brown.  The Tardis itself was sending off confusing vibrations to his time sense but there was something else undefinable surrounding it.  Never taking his eyes off it, he dismounted and snapped his fingers in front of himself, but the door did not open.  Then, suddenly he understood…. this Tardis was not his present one but was from many many years ago.  D’shen dismounted and walked up to him.**

**” _I kind of remember this blue box, Doctor.  This is where you brought me to heal me after the rescue!”_**

****

**_“Yep, correct….”_ ** **He said as he moved forward in front of D’Shen to knock on the door and then stepped back and to the right of his friend.**

**He had stopped mid-sentence and tilted his head to the side.  Holding his finger up to D’shen to keep quiet he turned his head slowly and noticed out of the corner of his eye a blur of movement.  Senses heightened now, the echo of a twig breaking reached him but a moment too late.  He spun on his heels, hearing the unmistakable sound of arrows cutting through the air.  He processed their trajectory as best he could and took the steps he needed to take before he ever even saw them.**

**oOoOoOoOo**

**_ Interlude: An Academy story _ **

**  
Lesson 212 – What to do when you hear a siren indicating the direct threat of an attack by air?**

**His professor stood in front of the class and posed this question,**

**“ _Now, let’s say you suddenly hear sirens going off, and then bombs seem to strike everywhere_ ” **

**Having foreseen the coming of the great war and knowing this scenario all too well he continued….**

**“ _What is the first thing you do_?”**

**Hands immediately went up.**

**“ _The young Doctor from the house of Muchan, what would you do?”_**

**His friend said,**

**_“I would find cover and wait it out_ ** **”**

**“ _Thank you_ ” the professor said.  “ _And what about you young Master, what would you do?”_**

**The Master, the only one in the class said,**

**“ _I would find a weapon and strike back any way I could_ ”**

**The Doctor raised his hand.**

**“ _Yes, what would our youngest Doctor do?”_**

**“ _I would make sure no one else was hurt or needed help_.”  **

**Then he paused and said,**

**“ _I would protect them with my own life_ ”**

**The professor smiled.**

 

**0OoOoOoOo**  
  


**The Doctor pushed D’shen down and out of the way and in doing so, stepped back into the path of both arrows.**

**He felt the first one strike, buried to the hilt in his chest and then the second one followed suite.**

**The force of the strikes knocked him back against the Tardis door.  He looked down and watched as his life flowed out of his body in an ocean of red and somehow in his shock he felt it was fitting considering all the blood he had taken from others.  Then, the pain hit.**

**With his last conscious thought, he screamed for the other Doctor through their link.**


	35. The Clock Strikes Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where our hero is literally one step away from from home when fate intervenes in the form of two poisoned arrows. He only has one chance but first he must die to live. The ever faithful Eighth Doctor must go along for the ride, as must Rose. Rated M (mature) for character death.

 

**__ **

**_A month of nights, a year of days_ **

**_Octobers drifting into Mays_ **

**_I set my sail when the tide comes in_ **

**_I just cast my fate to the wind_ **

**_I shift my course along the breeze_ **

**_Won't sail upwind on memories_ **

**_The empty sky is my best friend_ **

**_I just cast my fate to the wind_ **

 

**D’shen lifted his head not knowing at first what had happened but then saw the Doctor collapsed against the door.  As he felt for a pulse a sense of anger bubbled up inside of his chest.  He quickly turned his attention to the two scouts who appeared from behind the trees and were shouting with obvious pride that they had taken down “ _the enemy Time Lord of Pradus 3_.”  **

**D’shen announced his name which stopped the young men in their tracks.**

**“ _Do you have any idea what you’ve done?_ ” he yelled at them knowing full well that they didn’t.  Vowing that he would deal with them later, he ordered them to stand down and lower their weapons. Then he banged on the door.  **

**The 8 th Doctor had just shut the Time Rotor down after a very bumpy landing when the other Doctor’s painful scream filled his mind with a cry for help.  At the same time someone was frantically beating down the door.  Feeling the urgency surrounding the moment he ran to it and yanked it open, watching in horror as his 10thself fell into his Tardis.  **

**He was being protected by the body of a younger man who looked up at him _“help him please, he has been hit by 2 arrows.”_   The 8th picked up his older self’s body and took off to the infirmary, D’Shen following close on his heels.  The voices of both Tardis’s were in synch and were screaming out to him to do something and do it quickly.  They were pushing his 10th self’s timeline into his psyche and it was turning grey, devoid of light.  Putting that aside for the moment and laying him down he immediately read his vital signs.   His right heart was beating but very weakly and his left heart had been ripped in two.  The points themselves had done extensive internal damage.  He was breathing very shallow and very fast, with every breath coming with a struggle.  He was drowning in his own blood.**

**“ _Dammit_!” he yelled as he grabbed a pair of plier type instruments in his shaky hands and yanked the points of the arrows out.  If that initial reading wasn’t bad enough the table was also showing that the tips carried a poison which if he hadn’t been so wounded and so beaten down in the first place his body MIGHT HAVE been able to fight off but not now. The chemical was already thinning his blood to a dangerous level so that it couldn’t clot.  **

**Putting him on life support was just delaying the inevitable but he did it anyway.  He could sonic the physical damage but even that may not be good enough to restart and stabilize his hearts and keep their beats going.  And even if they could keep going the poison is slowly devouring his platelets which, amongst other things is causing his blood to thin and bleed out internally.**

**_“DAMN IT!”_ ** **he yelled again, standing and pacing around the still body in front of him, _“YOU MADE IT ALL THE WAY HERE AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ON THE TABLE OF MY TARDIS!”_   **

**He kicked a cart that held the now useless instruments across the infirmary.  Then he sat on the seat next to his dying patient and did something he hadn’t done in hundreds of years.  Something his human mother had taught him to do right before dropping off to sleep at night.  He closed his eyes and said a prayer to whoever might be listening.**

**Rose was sleeping in her bed on the Tardis, tossing and turning as she faced down death.  She was dreaming that the grim reaper was standing in front of her and they were arguing over whether the Doctor should go home with her or with him.  She told him that she would take his place, but death wanted him, the last of the Time Lords but would take her as well if she was offering.  He had been upset that he had miscounted and left one Time Lord alive when the war occurred so to take him now would more than please him.  Just as he reached for her a mist came up in front of her body obscuring his view.  Rose could hardly see anything either, but she could feel, and her fingers were suddenly entwined with some very familiar ones.  Her Doctor was staring at her.**

**_“He wants me”_ ** **he told her, _“not you.”_ He pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head.  _“You stay right here”_ **

**_“But why? I want to go with you.”_ ** **Tears were running down her cheeks as she begged, _“Please don’t leave me, I don’t want to live without you”_**

**_“Now you see, that is why I didn’t tell you about this.  I knew you would want to come but I knew you shouldn’t.  I have to go with him Rose, no regeneration.  I get to rest now.”_ **

**Then Rose said the one word that she never thought she would say to him, the one thing she never thought she would call him….**

**_“Coward”_ **

**He had already taken a few steps toward the entity when that one word stopped him in his tracks.  He turned back and stood directly in front of her.**

**_“Why did you call me that?”_ ** **fire in his eyes as he challenged her, knowing she would have no reason to say that to him.**

**_“I called you that because that is what you are, right here and right now.”_ ** **She stared back at him.  She continued….**

**_“I have seen you be the bravest man in the universe, taking command of a situation and making it right.  The Doctor I know would always fight.  Resting is not part of who you are at all…._ **

**_Who will keep me out of harm’s way if I stray too far?  Who will help me defend the universe or should I do it by myself from now on?_ **

**" _You know, your younger self, he will be the one who will have to be brave beyond measure and step into an unwinnable war and, besides fighting he will do the right thing as much as it tears him to pieces.  The way you are acting now I don’t know if this ‘you’ would have been as brave.”_   **

**She turned her back on him then and began to walk away.  She could feel his rage like the burning of a sun against her back as he spun her around to face him again.**

**_“Rose, that isn’t fair. You know I would have done what was necessary….”_ **

**She laughed in his face.**

**_"Fair?  Did you just say I wasn’t being FAIR??  Well FAIR is not part of your vocabulary remember?”_ ** **She turned away from him again.**

**His hand came to rest on her shoulder, even as he could feel death breathing down his neck.  He gathered her in his arms and pulled her against him.**

**_“Rose, I love you and maybe you are right.  Maybe I do need to stay in the game just a little bit longer.”_ ** **he said with a wink and a smile. Then he asked in a quiet, gentle tone…**

**_“Will you stand with me still?  Be with me?  Stay with me?”_ **

**She smiled at him then. _“Just try to get rid of me”_ she kissed his cheek.  He reached up and touched the spot then smiled that million-watt smile, brighter than the all the suns lighting every world.**

**He looked behind him and with one glance death receded into the fog.  This made her giggle and he joined in with her.**

**_'Only he could put death in its place’_ ** **she thought with pride.**

**He held her to him for a moment, kissing her forehead gently as he said _“It’s gonna be a close one this time. Go remind my younger self about his extra regenerations.  I can’t say more than that.”_ He began to walk away but then stopped and turned one last time, locking his eyes with hers.  **

**_“This may not work, you know.  And if it doesn’t I need to tell you again how much I love you.  Just in case….”_ ** **She laid her finger across his lips.**

**_“Hush now. None of that. If you love me, you will return to me somehow.  You always do”_ ** **Rose said with tears streaming down her face while inside she was begging, _“please, please come back to me…”_**

**He smiled again and simply said,**

**_“See you on the other side, Rose Tyler”_ **

**_“Only if I see you first”_ ** **she called after him as he faded into the mist with death on his heels.**

**In the infirmary the 8 th doctor had managed to sonic all the damage he could, but there was so much still that he couldn’t reach.  Some of it was deep inside him and every time he tried to get to it his older self’s blood pressure would take a dive.  He noticed for the first time all the scars and bruises on his body and the broken bones that had barely healed.  All the scans he took showed the deep, possibly permanent damage that was done to almost every part of his now frail body.  Even if he lived what kind of emotional damage would he have.  He knew that some of the worst injuries you sometimes could not see.  Time Lords were a very resilient people but everyone, no matter what species had a breaking point.  That point inside themselves where death would be preferable.  If his older self-thought even for one moment that he was a danger to Rose or any other innocent creature he would not allow himself to live.  This much he knew.  **

**All of this just made him sadder and angrier.  He turned on D’shen….**

**_“What kind of animals are you?”_ ** **he spit out _, “to take him, torture him and then hunt him down and murder him a step away from his home?!”_**

**D’shen had not stopped crying the moment the arrows hit.  The man in front of him was right, what kind of people are they to do something like this to such a good person as the Doctor.  All he felt was shame and a deep anguish that he didn’t think he would ever be freed of _._**

**_'T_ ** **_his was the third time he saved my life’_ ** **he thought to himself,**

**Speaking out loud he said, _“there has to be something you could do?”_  but the man in front of him shook his head sadly, all the fight gone from him.**

**“ _No, your people are very thorough when you decide to kill someone”_**

**Suddenly there was a sound, a whisper coming from the mortally wounded Doctor.**

**_“Rose”_ ** **he repeated over and over.**

**His younger self ran over to him and gently grabbed his hand.**

**_“I’m here Doctor, you have been wounded and are in the infirmary on my Tardis”_ **

**The older Doctor looked around and then shook his head yes, that he understood.  He looked down at his body, noting the many wires and tubes,**

**_“Life support?”_ ** **he asked, _“Dying?”_ to both questions the younger Doctor bowed his head and nodded yes.  He would know if he was lying.  **

**Suddenly the wounded Doctor doubled over and cried out in pain, clutching at his chest.  The younger one took his hand and gently pulled it away.**

**_“The arrows are gone, already removed.”_ ** **Then added _“They both had barbed tips so I soniced what I could reach.  Your blood pressure is too unstable to try to get to the rest.  And….”_ He hesitated, _“the tips were laced with poison… Imdure.”_ **

**The wounded Doctor understood.**

**"** **_Rose?”_ ** **he repeated.**

**_“I will get her”_ ** **the 8 th said patting his shoulder. **

**_'My Rose is still alive!’_ ** **he whispered to himself, not knowing up until that moment whether his nightmare that he had in the cell about Rose being murdered was true or not.**

**_“D’shen?”_ ** **he called for his friend.  D’shen walked up to him, his pain mirroring the Doctor’s.  In a whisper he said,**

**_“Don’t blame yourself, just do what I told you to do and be the kind of leader that shows mercy…. Do it for for me, ok?”_ **

**D’shen shook his head solemnly, tears that he had held back finally breaking through as he remembered how vulnerable the Time Lord had been, so he allowed himself to be also.**

**_“But what about the scouts that shot you?”_ **

**_“What do you think you should do?”_ ** **he asked him, agony dripping from every word.**

**_“I think they need to be informed as to what is happening now.  I can’t blame them too much for following orders if they didn’t know any better.  And they do feel remorse.  I have already spoken to them.  Did I do the right thing?”_ **

**The Doctor smiled up at him and nodded his head, _“you did just what I would do.”_**

**He gathered his strength, needing to make sure he understood the lesson to be learned here, today.**

**Taking D’shens hand in his he looked directly at him and said…**

**_“As I have told you before always remember that anyone who follow’s orders blindly and doesn’t question them is a fool or worse.  If you believe in your heart that it is the right thing to do, then do it but if you even for a moment think that you shouldn’t then go with your heart.  No exceptions, ok?”_ **

**Suddenly the Doctor felt like he couldn’t breathe and lay there gasping, blood running out of his nose and mouth as he tried to cough.  The hand that was holding D’shen’s grabbed at the sheets next to him in both fear and pain.**

**D’shen could sense the life of his friend ebbing away as he closed his eyes and dropped his hand to his side.  The Doctor knew he was weakening quickly and didn’t know how much time he had left.**

**_“Rose”_ ** **The younger Doctor called to her from the doorway _, “Your Doctor is here but he is in very bad shape.  He is calling for you…”_**

**Rose dropped the teacup she was holding into the sink, shattering it into pieces as she turned on her heel and dashed out of the room to the infirmary.**

**_“Doctor…Doctor, I’m here”_ ** **Rose took his hand in hers and noticed that he did not hold hers back.**

**_“What happened to him?”_ ** **she demanded.**

**_“He was hit by two poisonous arrows, Rose_ ** **”**

**_“And what can we do to help?”_ ** **He walked over to her and took her hand.**

**_“Rose, there is nothing we can do”_ **

**She looked from him back to her Doctor and began calling for him.  The Doctor, pale from all the blood loss and barely able to concentrate on what was going on around him opened his eyes wide to try to focus on the voice of the woman that he loved.**

**_“There was too much damage and even though I fixed a little bit of it there is more that I can’t reach inside.  And the arrows had poison tips.”_ **

**Then suddenly he had an idea that would help him even if not cure him.**

**_“Doctor, Rose is here but I wanted to talk to you about a blood transfusion.  Since we are the same man it would be fine, and it will make things more comfortable for you.”_ **

**He nodded yes and then finally took in the sight of her standing there like a vision of solace, a rock he could hold on to to keep from drowning in the sea of pain that surrounded him.**

**_“Rose”_ ** **he whispered and smiled through his agony, _“Hello”_**

**Rose brought his hand to her mouth and kissed his closed fist while he ran the fingers of his other hand through her hair.**

**_“I missed… you.  Wanted…. To… come home…. To… you.  Almost…. made…. It.”_ ** **he doubled over and gripped her hand tighter.**

**She couldn’t watch him die, she had to say something**

**_“Please don’t leave me, please”_ ** **she begged, _“I love you”_**

**_“Ssshhh, my…. Love…. sshhh”_ ** **he whispered to her, breathless _“I’m…. sorry.”_**

**The other Doctor had set up for the transfusion and attached the line leading from his body to the 10 th’s IV.  ** **_“You should feel a little better in a moment or so”_ ** **he tells him.**

**Rose looked up at him, her dream still fresh in her mind and said** **to him…** **_“What about regeneration?”_ ** **mad at herself for missing the obvious.**

**_“Rose,”_ ** **the younger Doctor said _, “the damage done should have started a regeneration, but the poison is fooling his body into thinking he is alright.  It is very slow acting and dampens down the need for one.  It is like the injuries are candles, but the poison is like a wet wick.  It won’t light.”_**

**Rose tried to remember what he said in the dream. _“Doctor,”_ she said to the 10 th _, “You told me in a dream to remind the other Doctor about how many regenerations he has.”_   The two Doctors both looked at each other not quite understanding where she was going with this.**

**The older Doctor said _“Rose, the... Poison…. can’t….”_**

**Before he could finish the younger one snapped his fingers when all the pieces fell in to place and said,**

**_"BUT I CAN!!!”_ **

**He repeated it, thinking it through.  “ _What if I start regenerating and then give it over to you to fix you and make you better?”_ he stood up and Rose could tell that just like ‘her’ Doctor he wanted to start pacing but couldn’t because of the IV, _“your body can’t start a regeneration due to the poison, but I can!  We could be sharing a regeneration.  It just might work!”_** **_“But what would happen to you?”_ ** **Rose was trying to follow their thinking.**

**_“Well in theory if I am injured it should repair my injury and his without either of us changing because it is shared.  Each one would just get enough of the regeneration energy to fix the damage but not enough to alter us.  Never been done, it ‘should’ work, but there is a catch that I don’t like.”_ ** **He paused to make sure they understood the gravity of what he was saying,**

**_“You would need to be more than just injured.  Because it is coming from me up the regenerations to you, basically you would need to never have existed in order to get this to work.”_ **

**_“So I would have…have to…to die, correct?”_ **

**_“NO!”_ ** **Rose looked from one Doctor to another as if they went mad, _“You…you can’t just DIE hoping this will work”_**

**_“Rose”_ ** **the 8 th said _, “if he was trying to pass it back to me then I could just have injuries but to send it up to him would require him to expire first.”_**

**Her Doctor looked at her with a sad smile, _“Rose ….one way …. or another… I…. I am going…. to die.  Why…. not_ (he drew in a shallow lungful of air) _do so with… with some hope?”_**

**_“But”_ ** **her Doctor said, his grip on Rose increasing.  It became almost painful to talk, _“If it didn’t…. work…. would change… our timelines…”_  he continued _“I would be …dead but you would …. regenerate.”_**

**_“So, we piss off some Timelords, they’ll make due”_ ** **he smiled at both of them and then winked at Rose. _“The key is that no matter what, ‘we’ would live again.”_**

**" _But… Rose?”_** **he understood what he was asking before he finished the thought.   If this didn’t work and the 10 th does not experience a ‘rebirth’, would the 9th ever meet her when it all comes around again?  **

**If doing this meant that he would never meet her, did he want to live at all?**

**Would all of this even have occurred?**

**She was here now.  He had to make sure she understood his feelings for her.**

**" _Rose”_** **her Doctor said to her, he had turned even paler than he was a minute ago,**

**_"I…. would have… marri…ed you, you… know.”_ ** **His brown eyes moist, unshed tears held back for so many months ready to crash through the dam he had built.**

**Rose just nodded her head, her own tears falling on his bare, bloodied chest.**

**"** **_And I would have said yes.  Besides you still will.”_ **

**She understood what was at stake.  Either a ‘shop-girl’ forever or all of space and time.  But that was meaningless, really.  If he had been a customer at the store or a Time Lord, it wouldn't have mattered.  What matters is that it would have been _'HIM._ '  She loves him, the man he is.  And it was all up to him now.**

**"** **_Honeymo…on, on…. Barcel…ona?”_ ** **he smiled, and she smiled back through a new wave of tears before he was gripped with another bout of excruciating pain.  Through gritted teeth he paused, trying not to break her hand with the amount of pressure he was gripping it with.  He always knew he would face actual death someday, he just thought he would have more time.  Now he realized that being a ‘Time Lord’ even with the ‘trick’ of regeneration did not necessarily equate to more years, hours and even minutes to spare.**

**Rose was right when she called him a coward; a coward when it came to express to her just how he felt.  So much time wasted.  If he could go back he would let her know just how much she means to him, just how much he loves her instead of running away.  Last chance to say it face to face now.**

**_“Rose,”_ ** **His breathing slowing to gasps of air.**

**_“I love…. you. “_ **

**_T_ ** **he depth of feeling in his fathomless brown eyes spoke volumes to her heart.  And his tears, which she kissed away tasted like forever.  She nodded, placing her finger over his lips.  He never understood that yes, it needed to be said but his love for her was always there and she felt it all the time.**

**"** **_I’m afraid…”_ ** **he said in barely a whisper, admitting his fear of so much loss it was incomprehensible. He fought so hard, tried so very hard to make it back but now?  Now he meets the specter he has been running from all his lives.**

**"** **_I am here with you my love.  Just hold on to me_ ** **”**

**"** **_Damn… this…. hur…ts”_ ** **he began to say before the monitor above him showed his right heart beating erratically.**

**Placing her forehead on his she said _, “It’s ok my Doctor, you can let go.  I’ll be here for you when you get back.”_**

**His fingers were wrapped tightly in hers.  He stared deep into her eyes as he exhaled once then took one more shallow breath, let it out and then did not take another.  His hand that had been gripping hers so tightly trembled once and then went limp.  His eyes, always so bright and full of joy stared ahead unblinking and as dark as a starless sky.**

**Her Doctor was dead.**


	36. A Dead End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cutting it close, too close…” obviously worried about how long his older self was lying there clinically dead, Rose watched as the younger one inserted a syringe into a vein in his wrist and pressed the plunger down. The syringe was half way empty when he began to convulse and dropped it to the floor."
> 
> The 10th Doctor is dead but his younger self, the Tardis and Rose refuse to accept it. They have only one chance and even though it might take his life the Doctor's younger self rolls the cosmic dice on an all or nothing attempt to bring him back to secure his own future.

**Today I don't need a replacement**  
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant  
My heart going boom, boom, boom  
"Hey", I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home"

 

**_“Solsbury Hill ~ Peter Gabriel_ **

**Rose let out a wail of such immense grief that it took everything she had to stand upright.  She wanted to wrap her arms around her knees and give in to gravity, just lay on the grating and never get up again.  She wanted to die too.  But the other Doctor needed her help if she was ever going to see her Doctor again.**

**Grief can wait.**

**The younger Doctor leaned over the table and examined him.**

****

**_“Ok now I can get to work!”_ ** **the 8 th said, disconnecting the IV and running over to the infirmary cabinets, pulling everything he had out of them, obviously looking for one thing in particular.  **

**He began to give Rose directions, telling her to make sure she stands back when she sees the burning of the regeneration energy but at the same time to make sure his hands are on the other Doctor.**

****

**_“Come on, come on, come on…where is it…”_ ** **he shouted as different colored bottles, pills and assorted other substances flew everywhere in his quest.  Then a triumphant _“got it!”_ as the Doctor took a bottle filled with a white fluid and put it in a syringe.**

**The Tardis seemed to power down to a low hum as if her own heart was about to stop too.  Holding her breath as her thief prepared to risk it all for the sake of his own future.**

****

**_“Cutting it close, too close…”_ ** **obviously worried about how long his older self was lying there clinically dead, Rose watched as the 8th Doctor inserted a syringe into a vein in his wrist and pressed the plunger down.  The syringe was half way empty when he began to convulse and dropped it to the floor.**

**He lunged for the table where his elder self was lying and pressed his palm between both stilled hearts on his chest, holding on as his body began to burn.  She could see the bottle on the floor and its contents had contained a liquid form of aspirin.**

**She remembered that it can kill a Time Lord.**

**Rose watched as the younger doctor’s face distorted and convulsed in unimaginable pain, but he still held on to his older self by force of will.  Rose could see the regeneration energy as it started its inevitable surge through the 8 th Doctor’s body, creeping from his hands then circling his frame, working its way inward.  In a flash it moved up the arms of the 10th, engulfing him too in the brilliant healing light.  **

**A thought went through her mind as she watched; if her Doctor cannot be brought back would the younger Doctor take the full brunt of the regeneration and be forced to change?**

**Rose could hear a voice in her head repeating one word over and over _,_**

****

**_‘Join’_ **

**_‘Join’_ **

**_‘JOIN’_ **

**It was the Tardis.  The ship didn’t want to lose them either.**

**As if beyond her control her hand reached forward, until she could feel the fire licking against her fingers like a living thing.  The eyes of the younger Doctor were fixed on her and she could make out the word _‘NO_ ’ coming from his mouth, trying to make her back away.  But she kept moving forward, placing her palm over his and adding the energy from the Tardis into the mix.  She had become both a catalyst and a buffer.**


	37. The In Between Place (Castles in the Air)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose finds the Doctor making a sandcastle replica of Arcadia while death waits patiently in the fog. As his tears fall on the structure like bombs and missiles destroying what he had made, Rose finally realizes what this whole experience is all about, part of what his motivation has been. Rated G
> 
> "2.47 billion children died that day because of me”  
> Rose, who had been rubbing his back as he let the tears flow suddenly stops.  
> "That is what this is all about, isn’t it?” she made him look at her, the depth of his sorrow as grey as the fog around them.
> 
> “Penance”

_If you're lost, you can look and you will find me_   
_Time after time_   
_If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting_   
_Time after time_

**_“Time After Time” ~ Cyndi Lauper_ **

**This couldn’t be death, he thought.  First of all, because he could think about things and secondly, well because he was building a sand castle.  How many dead people build sand castles, he thought but then realized what a stupid question that was because how would he know?  He could hear the ocean, no…wait he could FEEL the ocean inside himself and it was joyous.  In fact, he hadn’t felt that good in a long time.  He looked up into the cloudless sky and saw two sun’s, the twin sun’s of Gallifrey.  He was home.  Finally home.  He didn’t destroy it after all, a fact made even clearer by the sound of the children playing close by.  He couldn’t see them (morning fog, he thought to himself) but he could hear their laughter and he wanted to laugh right along with them.**

**She closed her eyes against the blinding light and suddenly she was back on the beach.  The Doctor was kneeling, shrouded in the fog that stretched along the sand, ending just at the water line.  Death was in the fog she knew.  Waiting, always waiting because death is nothing if not patient.**

**She could see him clearly, with the halo of regenerative energy outlining his tall frame.   Past the shoreline the ocean beckoned with gentle waves that shimmered when they crested.  She could see that he had been busy.**

**“ _ROSE!_ ” he said with a smile, “ _How did you get here?_ ”  His face suddenly turned serious and he ran to her, “ _You aren’t….you didn’t_?” he took a few unnecessary breaths and finally said “ _You’re not dead too, are you?_ ” **

**“ _No Doctor, I am here to get you.  The Tardis sent me to bring you home_.”**

**He shook his head, “ _but I am home Rose_.”**

**She stepped back from him, in shock that he would even consider this tiny strip of beach home.**

**“ _Doctor,_ ” she approached him slowly as he continued to work on his sand castle, “ _your home is in the Tardis, it is with me remember_?”**

**He didn’t seem to be paying any attention to her now that he knew she was probably just a figment of his imagination.  Rose was still alive so she couldn’t be there.  “ _What are you doing_ ” she looked down at his hands, covered in sand.**

**_“Something I haven’t done in a long time Rose”_ ** **he smiled up at her, his long fingers patting the sand down and then filling in the gaps in other spots.**

 **_“There, it’s done”_ ** **he said looking up at her with pride in his voice and resignation written on his face.**

 **_“Looks like you missed a spot or two”_ ** **she said, to make sure he kept at it.  Her fear is that if he really thought it was done he wouldn’t have any reason to stay.**

 **_“Hmm, maybe a little”_ ** **he started to build up the walls around it.**

 **_“Can you see it?”_ ** **he asked her, looking out over the ocean and nodding in the direction towards the East.**

**He momentarily stands and takes her hand, sandy fingers still fitting so well entwined in hers.  He points to where he wants her to look….**

**_(“So, where’re we going first?”_ ** **She asked the New New Doctor after defeating the Sycorax on Christmas day not so long ago. _“Er, that way. No, hold on. That way”_ he answered, pointing up.)**

**Rose lifts her hand and shields her eyes from the brightness around her, then gasps.  Out in the distance she could see a city with high spires on a planet with twin sun’s.  A song blows on the breeze that reaches where she stands.  It wafts over and through her and is so beautiful it makes her weep.  She looks down and see’s that the sand castle her Doctor had been building is a replica of the city.**

**Before she can ask, he speaks in Gallifreyan and somehow, she can understand every word…**

**_"It’s Arcadia”_ ** **he sighs, kneeling again to put on the finishing touches.**

**_“It is where all our used-up bodies go when we regenerate.  It is where we can finally rest”_ **

**_“So, it is your description of heaven is that right?”_ ** **Rose asks him, her voice stronger, firmer.**

**When he doesn’t answer her question she probes further, _“How do you know that is where you will end up?”_**

**The Doctor stops and looks at her _“Because I dream of it when I sleep…how it used to be…. standing tall and proud, everyone and everything back the way it should be.”_**

**_“So, in other words it is just a wish on your part.  A hope that what happened so long ago didn’t really occur_ ** **.”**

**Rose was beginning to understand, a thought beginning to blossom in her mind about the Doctor and his beliefs and, more importantly ‘why’ he believed them.**

**Again, no response, just more furious work on his sand sculpture.**

**_“That is where you fought on the front lines, correct?”_ ** **she asked him gently and he pauses, his hand stopping midair.**

**The sand begins to run between his fingers until he must scoop up some more to replace it.  Tears are running down his face now and everywhere they land on his beautiful city it collapses inward as if struck by bombs and missiles.**

**_“Let me help”_ ** **Rose pleads, trying to keep up with the damage alongside him but he has given up.**

**He takes his arm and sweeps through his masterpiece until it is only sand again, only another patch of brown to match all the rest.  Nothing special.  The song is gone too, as is the view of the city itself that called to him in the distance.**

**_“This is what I did Rose.  I destroyed it all.  I can’t even remember the songs anymore.  Can’t feel the music blowing through the trees anymore.”_ ** **He grips the sand until his knuckles turn white then rises and kicks at what is left of his beautiful creation.**

**_A_ ** **_nd yes, that is where I fought.  It is where I should have died a very long time ago.”_ **

**He sighed, not looking at her face, ashamed.**

**_“Part of me did die there.  Friends, relatives, close family.  I murdered them all.”_ **

**** **He sits back on his haunches, his head in his hands, now weeping.**

**"** **_2.47 billion children died that day because of me”_ **

**** **Rose, who had been rubbing his back as he let the tears flow suddenly stops.**

**"** ** _That is what this is all about, isn’t it?”_ ** **she made him look at her, the depth of his sorrow as grey as the fog around them.**

**_“Penance”_ **


	38. Hating Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "His form seemed to be breaking down, disintegrating little by little as if he too was made of the sand under their feet, until he began taking on a slight transparency. He was slowly turning into the mist and fog that surrounded the beach."
> 
> Rose knew at that moment that it would take a miracle to keep him in her arms and away from the death's embrace. Luckily, she believed in miracles. Rated PG just because.

**_ Chapter ~ “Hating Himself” _ **

**_ _ **

**He looked at her confused, not quite grasping what she was trying to say.  When he does the reaction is immediate.  He stands quickly, backing away from her as if she has struck him.**

**_“Rose if you are insinuating that I decided to save those kids out of some sort of duty to do so….”_ **

**_“Ssshhh…”_ ** **she said _, “hear me out.”_**

**_“Yes, you did this because it was the right thing to do and because you were truly angry and upset about the stealing of the children, as you should have been.  You became emotionally invested in what was happening and I am oh so proud of the man that you are.  A man who does more than just says how bad something is, he tries to make it better._ **

**_But consider that maybe, just maybe part of it is in honor of all those kids that were lost due to the war.  In the back of your mind that thought had to have come through and that is ok.  One way or another you saved them Doctor and who cares the reason.  You did it and I am so incredibly proud of you._ **

**_And I know that you will or would have been a really, really great dad to our children if you decide to live….”_ ** **She paused, her own tears welling up at the thought of losing him and all that their lives could have been.**

**He reaches down and wipes her tears away while wearing one of his most dazzling smiles.**

**_“You think I would?”_ ** **he was seeing his child in his mind, emitting wave after wave of so much love that Rose thought her knees would give out.**

**Then, as if on some evil cue drawn up by death itself the song of Gallifrey begins to play once more on the gentle breeze, the spires of Arcadia standing tall in the distance with the twin suns rising above them, beckoning…. calling to him in a language that only he was left to understand now, her ability to translate it gone.  He closed his eyes and began to hum, hearing the melody of his home where millions of people hummed along with him.  Millions of people still alive and well and thriving instead of being reduced to bone and dust by his hand.**

**And she knew at that moment that, barring some divine intervention she had lost him.**

**_"I am so tired Rose”_ ** **he pulled her close with one arm around her waist.  His form seemed to be breaking down, disintegrating little by little as if he too was made of the sand under their feet, until he began taking on a slight transparency.  He was slowly turning into the mist and fog that surrounded the beach.   She noticed that he was almost absent-mindedly rubbing his chest with his free hand, at the spot where the arrows did the most damage and where his younger self and her hands joined between his now still hearts. Was he trying to push them away so that he could finally die?**

**Suddenly she felt another soul in the mist and she knew instinctively who it was.**

**His 8 th self-took her hand and kissed it while looking at what was left of her Doctor and said….**

**_"_ ** **_Come on Rose, I will protect you from here on in because it doesn’t look like he will or even wants to anymore.  I am not ‘too tired’ to take care of you and love you like he should have.  I do love you, you know and If he won’t be there for you then you can be sure that I will.  I know I have to go to war but with you by my side I can fight any battle to keep you safe.”_ **

**Her Doctor had been quiet but out of nowhere Rose heard what she could only describe as a growl emanating from him.**

**_“Take your hands off her!”_ ** **the storm clouds appeared overhead and where Arcadia had been now there was only lightning and the distant roll of thunder.**

**_“Oh please, you don’t frighten me.”_ ** **The 8 th said, _“Remember I AM you and understand your scare tactics and your bravado better than anyone.”_ Then said in a patronizing way _, “All I am saying is that if you need to rest then you can feel safe in the knowledge that I will be there for her, that’s all.  Didn’t you say that if you didn’t make it back from Pradus 3 that you would want her to be with someone who will love her the way she should be loved?  Well what better person than yourself.”_**

**His younger incarnation wrapped his arm around Rose’s waist, pulling her closer.**

**He knew he shouldn’t feel jealous of himself, but he did.  He wanted nothing more than for her to be happy so if he couldn’t be there in this body than wouldn’t it be the right thing to let her go so that she can be happy with someone else?  But this was different, and totally out of line.  He was selfish and wanted Rose all to himself, THIS self.**

**_"You know you could let Rose decide.  Isn’t that a novel idea?”_ **

**But Rose had already started walking away while they argued. She HAD decided but what she wanted didn’t matter.  All she wanted was her Doctor back, the 10 th version but he is the one who seemed the most distant.  **

**Unexpectedly she stopped walking because she was struck with a thought that now made perfect sense. Turning on her heel she marched back over to him.   She had one last thing to say and dammit, she was going to say it.**


	39. Divine Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when the man you love ends up fighting with himself over you? Rose confronts 10 on his skewed visions of Arcadia and brings to light a very interesting argument to rival his mourning over all the children he feels he murdered in the Time War. Rated G, really ok.

 

 **_“Doctor…”_ ** **she said while looking straight at him, _“you were so sure that when you left your body you would go to Gallifrey to rest.  WELL WHERE IS IT NOW??”_ **

**Rose wanted to shake him and wake him up as she pointed across a now turbulent sea.**

 **** **_“Don’t you understand that it is just a wish, just a dream.  Just something that you want so badly to be true that you made it appear in all its glory across the expanse of your imagination.  It was no more real than these storm clouds you are creating from your anger.  Well I am not afraid of the ‘Oncoming Storm’ because I know you would never hurt anyone that loved you as much as we do_ ** **…. “**

**She nodded and smiled at the 8 th **

**_“We are standing here and outside of this little fantasy you have created for yourself desperately trying to bring you back to life and to your senses while we are at it. Hell, even your other self is risking his own life to save you!!  So, don’t you dare push the people who love you away.”_ **

**_“You think there is honor in this death of yours?  There isn’t.  You think you are playing the brave Time Lord by, what you call ‘resting’ but you aren’t being brave.  Again, you are being a coward….”_ **

**** **The 10 th bristled and got right in her face,**

**_“Don’t you dare call me a coward.  After all we have been through, after all I just went through….”_ **

**His 8 th self began applauding.  **

**** **_“Oh, very good, bravo.  You want to know what brave is?  It is all those kids that held on to life in the hopes that someone would save them. (he began to advance on the 10 th   who held his ground,) _ **

**_It is that girl from Arano that gave you her life in exchange for your promise to keep going, it’s the friends you have made here who risked their lives to help you escape and especially that one boy who is in tears out there because he feels responsible for your death.  If he only knew that this is something that you are CHOOSING, what would he think of his hero then?”_ ** **he couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice.**

**Suddenly he found himself with his back on the sand and his 10 th self-hovering over him.  **

**_“Shut up”_ ** **his older self said in a threatening voice.**

**_“Or what? You’ll hit me again?  Please, just give it a rest ok, no pun intended.  Maybe you are not just a coward, you sound lazy as well.  The universe deserves someone who can stay awake long enough to protect it.  Too tired to watch over Rose as well I gather?  What happens when she gets in to trouble and you are sleeping on the job….”_ **

**_“I. Said. Shut. UP!”_ ** **he dragged his younger self to his feet and pressed him back against a tree, nose to nose, eyes shooting daggers.**

**_“All I am saying is that if you let it end here, if you give up and rest as you put it you will be throwing all their sacrifices INCLUDING mine and Rose’s back in their faces.  Can’t you see how your vision of Arcadia is false.  It is gone because of our decision to make it so, a decision on all our parts and you had better come to terms with that because I am about to enter that war and I will do exactly what needs to be done and you know what?  I will somehow have to believe that I will be doing the right thing.”_ **

**“ _You claim to love Rose?  Prove it.”_**

 **_“I DO love her….it is just, just that…”_ ** **the 10 th shot back, struggling to find the reason for his lack of conviction.**

**The 8 th, thoroughly disgusted and tired of the banter fired back, **

**** **_“So, what will it be….is she yours or is she mine?”_ **

**The Doctor who had lessened his grip on his 8 th self suddenly grabbed him again and threw him hard back into the tree.**

**“ _You can’t have her!  She belongs to me!  She’s…she’s…MINE_ ”**

**Rose, who had been watching all of this finally had her patience pushed to the limit.  She stood between them, in front of the man she loved knowing that this would be her last chance to reach him.**

**_“First of all, you can both stop treating me like an object that you can claim to be the owner of.  I don’t BELONG to anyone!  Secondly, let me ask you one final question, alright?”_ ** **Rose said, speaking to 10,**

**_"Your new friend D’shen, do you think you helped him today to see that fighting sometimes is the wrong way to solve a people’s problems?”_ **

**** **He nodded his head yes, he really did think he got that message across to him, Arcadia and its song and all the arguing forgotten about for the moment.**

**_“And do you think that he will carry that message forward to others, teaching that violence is not always the correct action to take?”_ **

**** **Again, the Doctor nodded in the affirmative.**

**_“Can you imagine, Doctor, the amount of people that will be saved because you showed just one soldier the right way of doing things.  He is outside the Tardis right now sharing the story with the two scouts who did this to you.  How many people do you think they will tell?”_ **

**Rose looked deeply into his eyes, her glowing gold ones sparking knowledge into the fathomless depths of his brown.**

**_“I know you feel very guilty about the 2.47 billion children that died during the war but I think, my dear Doctor that over 2.47 billion people might want say thank you someday. You might want to keep count of them instead.”_ **

**** **_“But that means of course that you need to be around to hear them.”_ **

**** **Smiling at him, cupping his face in her hands she leans forward and kisses him gently while he curls his fingers around her wrists.  The skies above them clear and the raging storm disappears like magic.**

**_“You think your ‘heaven’ is Arcadia.  Well, my heaven is with you Doctor, you and I…. and maybe even our children someday, together in the Tardis helping others.  The stuff of legend.”_ **

**_“No matter what and no matter where you are just remember I love you and I never will stop loving you.  There will never be another for me.  Just as you said, if I can’t have you then my heart will close up and I will throw away the key.  HOWEVER, that being said your younger self poses a very good argument.  He is you after all, and if you decide that I am not worth the time or effort it would take to wake the hell up, tell me you love me and commit to spending the rest of your life with me then I may just stand by his side instead.  After all, I did fall in love with you initially in your 9 th body, why not your 8th?”_ **

**Rose turned away from him, letting the tears flow knowing she may never see him again.  The 8 th Doctor stared down the 10th and just shook his head.  Shoving him out of the way, he ran to catch up with Rose and as soon as he did he took her hand in his.  One last vision for his older self to see.  They know that his time between life and death was coming to an end and he must fight to regain ownership of the empty shell he has become if he wants to go on living.  No second chances.  **

**She started to walk away into the mist and then she turned and looked at him, their eyes locking one final time.   And with that he vanished from sight.**

****


	40. The Kiss of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The power of time itself seemed to break open through their joined hands causing a violent and sudden explosion, shattering the Tardis windows. The old girl shook so badly that the lights dimmed while circuits and fuses popped like champagne corks under the grating at their feet. Oxygen felt as if it was being pulled from their lungs to feed the momentum that was building faster and faster like a train threatening to jump the tracks."
> 
> Rated G ~ No worries here.

****  


**_“And you and I we're flying on an airplane tonight,_** **** __  
We're going somewhere where the sun is shining bright,  
Just close your eyes,  
And let's pretend we're dancing in the street,  
In Barcelona.”

**_“Barcelona” ~ Ed Sheehan_ **

**When she opened her eyes again she had come back to herself, shaking from the regeneration energy that flowed from the 8 th Doctor through their entwined hands.  Was that a dream?  They made eye contact and even as his face seemed to slide and morph into something else he managed to smile.  She heard him in her head saying, _“I meant every word.”_   **

**“ _As did I_ ” she answered simply.**

**She looked down at the empty shell of the man she had loved, the man who could never stop moving and never stop talking now silent and still.**

**She cursed and screamed and cried at him in her mind to just stop this and wake up because the regeneration energy was almost spent, and she didn’t know how much more his younger self could take.**

**Then suddenly….**

**The power of time itself seemed to break open through their joined hands causing a violent and sudden explosion, shattering the Tardis windows.  The old girl shook so badly that the lights dimmed while circuits and fuses popped like champagne corks under the grating at their feet.  Oxygen felt as if it was being pulled from their lungs to feed the momentum that was building faster and faster like a train threatening to jump the tracks.**

**“ _Come on, you can do it.  Come back to me, come home…._ ” Rose knew he was there, just out of reach and trying so very hard to retake possession of the man he used to be.   **

**It was then that she felt it, the first galloping beats of one heart and then two under her palm.  Her Doctor’s eyes flew open, he blinked once then twice as his stilled lungs tried to pull in their first gasp of the turbulent air surrounding them.  Rose inhaled as much as she could and kissed him, giving him her breath to ease his way back into life.  He looked at her and she looked at him as he sighed out the golden light, the energy that was surging through all of them dancing in a circular motion until finally it began to burn out, ending at their joined hands pressed against his chest.   It was the most beautiful thing Rose had ever seen.**

**Then time locked back into place around them, sealing the Time Lord’s fate once again and bonding them one to the other as they were thrown clear from the now very alive man on the table.**

**Rose pulled herself along the grating, her legs slowly regaining feeling as she crawled over to where the 8 th Doctor landed.  He looked up at her and smiled, the same smile on the same face of the man he was before.**

**“ _Rose…_ ”  she heard her Doctor calling to her, weak but sounding the same.**

**She turned towards his voice, pulled herself upright and then forced herself to take those few steps to the table he was lying on.  She couldn’t see his face at that angle and hadn’t seen it since the power of time threw her to the ground.  Could that last bit of regenerative energy change him, morphed his body into a new one that quickly?  So much ran through her mind; was he indeed still the same man and if not did he still love her like before?  When he whispered her name was she hearing the last gasps of him dying again, too damaged to have been fixed completely or was it the first word of her Doctor reborn?  She stretched out her left arm and reached for the bed for support as she closed her eyes, too frightened of the possibilities that may or may not be laying right before her.  One more half step and she was finally standing next to him.**

**“ _Rose…it’s ok, look at me_ ”**

**So much like her Doctor’s voice but she had been fooled before.  Tears were running 0ver her cheeks and spilling onto his bare chest, pooling at the darkened area where their collective palms had marked the skin of his torso.   At first she recoiled when she felt his fingers gently, tentatively touch her face, tracing her moist flesh from her forehead, over her eyes, down her nose, over her lips and down her chin.  Drying her tears with the pads of his thumbs.  Learning her.  She remembered all those years of first’s when she was younger; giving and getting touched by different boys as they fumbled their way to completion, many faked sounds of ecstasy rising out of her throat.  All the time wondering what the big fuss was about.  Then Mickey was there, and he would stroke her face in almost the same way while they both uttered hushed vows of love into each other’s mouths.  At the time she thought it was pleasant enough, but nothing more than that.  Now she knew what was missing.  He was.  All that time wasted, but on second thought maybe not.  She had to know what the emptiness felt like to understand the fullness of him, of what he was offering.  She used to be afraid of the dark until the Doctor taught her that you can’t see the stars and their incredible beauty unless they are painted against the canvas of the night sky.  And now, in the simple physical interchange between the Doctor and her skin she discovered an emotion stripped so bare and raw it nearly broke her from the sheer power of it.  Such power in something so fleeting as a touch to her face.  Rose knew it was the most intimate touch she had ever received.  Blindly she stretched out her own hand which he was quick to grab, making her flinch and she almost pulled away.  But he simply lowered it to his own face saying “ _see me Rose_.” She mimicked his caress running the pads of her fingers over the face she would have known anywhere.  A sob tore from somewhere deep inside of her.  It was a cry of joy from her very soul which echoed forward and back through time eternal.   **

**“ _You came back to me, you didn’t leave me_ ” she whispered as her eyes flew open and there he was, smiling and looking up at her with those big soulful brown eyes of his.**

**He gathered her trembling form in his arms and pulled her down next to him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, her face buried in in the coolness of his neck.  Both of his hearts beating strong and true; her favorite lullaby.**

**_“Never leave you, always together, love you my Rose”_ ** **he spoke back to her while stroking her hair, tucking some behind her ear so he could see her better.  He had been worried too.  He did not know what if any effects she would have from being so close to him in death even if the Tardis was trying to protect her. _“Death is the great equalizer”_ he thought to himself and it was true.  He would not waste another moment, not another second on his misplaced fear of loving Rose because he was doomed to lose her someday.  She almost lost him, and he was supposed to be able to cheat death by regeneration!  The irony was that he had spent all those months determined NOT to regenerate and in the end he was denied that very thing.  If it wasn’t for his 8th self he wouldn’t be holding Rose right now.Wait…. WAIT…his other self!!  He didn’t know if he was alright or not!  **


End file.
